Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise’


Several years ago I followed your fabulous diet book, “Masturbate Yourself Thin”, lost three stone and could crack walnuts with my right hand. Sadly I tugged with such ferocity that my foreskin is now over three feet long and when I am in the shower my love missile looks kinda…..weird. Do you have any tips for reeling it in. Or is surgery the only way?

Bellend Tom, Belenses

Hi Bellend,

My we have quite a few wankers contacting me this week! Fine by me!

Could you contact my secretary Salacious Sadie? We have just the part for you. It’s an updated/skewered/perverted version of the Elephant Man and tells the story of the many scraps and bedroom farces old Merrick might have got into with various buxom wenches if he had been a bit less depressive, more outgoing and could run fast like Benny Hill.


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As our regular readers will know we spent a lot of time this year applying sausages to heads of the famous.

Below are a few examples of our handiwork; Can you name the individuals concerned?

bruce copy

spock copy

bono1 copy


chuck norris copy

crowe sausage

hulk copy


Harry Potter Sausage_edited-2




Dan and Rach Together!


We will continue our work in 2014 – Is there anyone you would like to see accompanied by a sausage in 2014? Let us know!

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Famous actress from Australia with a well know love of Black Pudding and all things vegetarian.

She is currently mud wrestling with Meryl Streep to see who gets the part of Arthritis,  Queen of The Joints in the Stoner remake of Troy (only this time the Greeks are gonna hide in a huge wooden bong).

Some things you may not know about Nicole;

  • She has super strength knuckles.
  • She is a passionate Bongo player and has recorded an album of Bongo cover songs called “Simply Bongos”.
  • Ever since her divorce from Tom Cruise he has worn a sausage in his head.

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L Ron Hubbard


Genius screenwriter, Sci-Fi titan, decorated war hero, invented a religion, had his own fleet, made a few bob in the process. What’s all the fuss about?

Saw the dangers lurking in Monopoly and thus banned followers of Dianetics from playing the game, at least with the Top Hat. They were never to collect the £200 for Passing Go without wishing Thetans good luck.

Understood the inherent contradiction of trying to peel a stone.

Some things you may not know about L Ron;

  • His Dear Old Mother live in a cupboard!
  • He  was partial to pickled eggs
  • His Sea Shanty album “Tickle Me Tackle Nancy” never troubled the charts. But with songs like “Tug Me Rope”, “When I Rub Me Barnacles I’m Thinking Of Me Molly” and “Blow Me Back To Blighty Gerty On A Good Stiff ‘Un!” I’m amazed it didn’t sell.

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Suits him!

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