IKEA’s Stacking System For Elderly – Ian Duncan Smith Hails New Approach

NANSTACK in Basildon

Ian Drunken-Spliff – Secretary of State for Knobheadedness has employed IKEA to develop a revolutionary stacking system to warehouse Pensioners.

The system, known as “NANSTACK” is believed by Drunken-Spliff to offer a radical new way of reducing adult care costs.

Ian Drunken-Spliff

Drinken-Spliff said, “Like the cripples and dossers who are ruining this country, old fuckers clog everything up from hospitals to buses. It needs sorting. NANSTACK is a highly efficient way of housing these old farts. They will be tightly packed to keep warm – important as there will be no lighting or heating thus demonstrating our Green Credentials! It also cures loneliness! Furthermore think of all the houses freed up for Buy t0 Let Landlords like me to snap up! Am I a fuckin genius or what!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a shot of morphine.

As the pictures below show, Pensioners can be loaded onto lorries for transit to the stacking centres prior to the allocation of their cosy shelf!

War War 2 hero Derek Sponge receives the gratitude of a nation

Derek being lodged @ NANSTACK Worthing

Per Abba-Arrival from IKEA told Gfb’s Lucy Gammon, “The trials have gone well. The only sticking point is the amount of mince per meatball in the daily feeding.”

Anita Dayglow OBE, Chief Executive of Elderly UK told Gfb, “Do you want to buy a raffle ticket? First prize is a blanket!”

 

We Are All In It Together

 

 

 

 

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Wonga To Manage Foodbanks – Ian Duncan Smith Hails New Approach

Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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Government Ask Keith Harris and Orville To Sort Out Child Poverty

PM Cameron is Delighted

Breaking News!

Following on from the Government’s recent announcement of changing the way child poverty is measured in the UK, Gfb can reveal that legendary ventriloquist double act “Keith Harris and Orville” have been appointed to implement the changes.

Which One Is Which Do You Think?

Ian Duncan-Spliff, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “Yeah Maaaan, wan’ some GANJA?  Dey can make dis policeeeyy fly, fly right up to de sky, yes they can.” (No they can’t).

Duncan-Spliff – In control

The child poverty changes come about after Conservative MP Alex In-Bred had tabled a motion that child poverty was nothing to do with income, and was actually caused by all  welfare benefit claimants being addicted to drugs, alcohol, glue and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

“It just isn’t right that child poverty is measured by income in the 21^st Century,” stated In-Bred. “It’s obvious that child poverty is caused by a range of underlying social issues, such as fried food, street dancing and the breasts of Katie Price.”

Katie Price – That’s Who I Want To Be When I Grow Up!

A leaked memo seen by Gfb goes even further, listing what the Government believe are the root causes of child poverty.

As well as drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and glamour models with enhanced breasts, they include:

–         Heat magazine

–         Hubba Bubba chewing gum

–         Glockenspiel addiction

–         Tesco value beef burgers

–         Not having a Butler

–         Pot noodles

–         Gay Marriage

–         Sideburns

–         Being a Northerner

–         Nervousness around chickens

But Harris & Orville face an uphill task implementing the policy, as anti-poverty campaigners look set to join forces to oppose it.

The Government are banking on the pairs popularity to make the policy change a success. They were recently seen having dinner with Chancellor, George Osborne in a Mayfair brothel,  and said in a statement, “Working as children’s entertainers has given us a unique insight into the issues surrounding child poverty. We are well placed to find the best ways to measure it. That and the £250,000 we are being paid”.

He Really Is A Clown

So that’s all right then.

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