Posts Tagged ‘Charity Shops’

Our local pub has a disco on Friday nights. For years the music was provided by a bloke who went under the name Moby Discs until he was imprisoned for benefit fraud.

Now the Friday night disco is DJ’d by “Disco Dave – Ready to Rave!” – he is rabies free by the way.

“Disco Dave – Ready to Rave!” is down with the kids (but not in a Jimmy Saville kinda way) and shares some of his favourite dance floor fillers for you cats to use when you put on a bash.

Disco Dave – takes up the story……

“Recent shoplifting expeditions to charity shops in order to obtain new platters for my mobile discotheque, Disco Dave’s Dancing Delights, have unearthed some gems that will have the Merry Fellow rockin’ and a rollin’ all night long. Here are a couple of songs I will be playing……

Jive Bunny – “Whole lotta shit going on” – never used to have time for Jive Bunny until I found out he actually is a real performing rabbit so although this mish mash of old rock n’ roll hits is crap, you’ve got to take your hat off to him because he really is a rabbit. Rabbit rock is here to stay!

Simon & Garfunkel – “Bridge Over Troubled Water” – bit maudlin – but put in on 78rpm and hey presto! its sounds a bit like Lonnie Donegan and seeing as I’ve been unable to nick any Lonnie Donegan it’ll have to do.

John Miles – “Music” – goes on way too long, disappears up its own arse at the end and he couldn’t hold a tune to save his life but gives me a chance to neck a few beers and nip out the back for a ciggie.

Dave will share some more of his favourite dance floor fillers with you as soon as he steals them. Keep rockin’ in the free world

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Dear Aunty Bill,

Recently, shoplifting in my local Oxfam, I came across the debut LP by those seminal rockers The Edgar Winter Group. I hurried home in a state of high dudgeon looking forward to blasting out “Frankenstein” and “Free Ride” and enjoying a few glasses of Sanatogen Tonic wine.

You can imagine my disappointment when on returning home and slipping the LP from its cover out comes a copy of Bernie Winters flop 1972 album “Here’s Bernie!”

Where do I stand in relation to the Sale of Goods Act( 1979) and the Misselling of Goods Act (1979).

Tooth Stained Rocker, Waltham Abbey

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tooth Stained Rocker,

I understand your disappointment (and overlooking your reprehensible actions) it’s not all bad.

Whilst his brother Mike and his dog, Schnorbitz ventured to LA and made a fortune from blancmange (their potato and Bonio surprise was light years ahead of its time), Bernie remained in the UK to endlessly repeat his catch phrases of “I’ll Smash Yer Face In” and ”Choochy Face” .

It was during this period he recorded “Here’s Bernie!” a moribund collection of songs celebrating mediocrity. Here is the theme tune for you to listen to if you dare!

Not easy listening but on closer inspection a metaphor for life. You may enjoy “One size fits all” a melancholic tale of forgetting to turn the gas off before going on holiday.

Who could fail to be moved by the Dylanesque undercurrent of “She was only the Admiral’s daughter but her naval base was always full of sea men”, a tale of unrequited love amongst the press ganged lovers of double entendres.

This could be the best shoplifting mistake you ever made.

Ahoy There Me Hearties!

Aunty Bill

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