Posts Tagged ‘Smoking’

The great man enjoying a drag on his breadcrumbed fish fag!

No wonder all his faces were a bit wonky.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

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Hi Kids,

Smoking Tobacco Is Bad For YOU!

cupboard crackhead copy


This applies to Cigarettes, Cigars, Cigarillos and Pipes (but not crack pipes). I would also counsel against smoking petrol, carpets and/or soap.

Do not confuse this with smoking fish. That is an ancient custom which provides a marvellous erm..erm….smokey taste to fish. Do not confuse this with fish that smoke – they have no hands, access to matches/lighters and being water based creatures……..you get my drift.

Just remember you’ve only got one set of lungs, but hundreds and hundreds of veins!


Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Our local pub has a disco on Friday nights. For years the music was provided by a bloke who went under the name Moby Discs until he was imprisoned for benefit fraud.

Now the Friday night disco is DJ’d by “Disco Dave – Ready to Rave!” – he is rabies free by the way.

“Disco Dave – Ready to Rave!” is down with the kids (but not in a Jimmy Saville kinda way) and shares some of his favourite dance floor fillers for you cats to use when you put on a bash.

Disco Dave – takes up the story……

“Recent shoplifting expeditions to charity shops in order to obtain new platters for my mobile discotheque, Disco Dave’s Dancing Delights, have unearthed some gems that will have the Merry Fellow rockin’ and a rollin’ all night long. Here are a couple of songs I will be playing……

Jive Bunny – “Whole lotta shit going on” – never used to have time for Jive Bunny until I found out he actually is a real performing rabbit so although this mish mash of old rock n’ roll hits is crap, you’ve got to take your hat off to him because he really is a rabbit. Rabbit rock is here to stay!

Simon & Garfunkel – “Bridge Over Troubled Water” – bit maudlin – but put in on 78rpm and hey presto! its sounds a bit like Lonnie Donegan and seeing as I’ve been unable to nick any Lonnie Donegan it’ll have to do.

John Miles – “Music” – goes on way too long, disappears up its own arse at the end and he couldn’t hold a tune to save his life but gives me a chance to neck a few beers and nip out the back for a ciggie.

Dave will share some more of his favourite dance floor fillers with you as soon as he steals them. Keep rockin’ in the free world

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I was visiting my Nan yesterday to check on her taps. Apparently they were dripping.

She’s great my Nan. 128 smokes 40 a day, drinks her share and swears like a Scaffolder with piles.

Through the fug of cigarette smoke I found her sitting in her chair (the special one that tips up and vibrates -“me only pleasure now that Norman has gorn” as she puts it) watching a spot of daytime telly. I think it was “Bodies For Cash In The Attic” or something.

Shirley’s 5 bean chilli worked its magic and before I could display my DIY acumen, I needed the facilities. I took The Sun up with me and had a go at the Crossword. The coffee break one. 6 hours later I still had only got three answers (Egg, Tea and Roy Keane if you want to know).

Nan wasn’t too happy when I couldn’t fix her taps.

“Useless twat,” she called me, coughed a chesty smoker’s cough and brought up a gobful of phlegm which landed on me Reeboks.

Bit harsh I thought.



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Happy New Year!

I hope you had a good one – I got over excited in the Strained Parrot on New Year’s Eve. £10 a ticket, finger pork pie buffet and carafe of Bulgarian Cabinet per person. Great Value.

Still suffering now though. The rash is back with a vengeance and I reckon the Bulgarian Cabinet has accelerated my annual bout of the Norovirus. Shirl’s had to break out the emergency air freshener as a result of my stomach’s disposition.

Whilst on the pot I read that most people set unrealistic New Year’s resolutions that mean they are bound to fail. Inevitably.

Things like being able to run a marathon, pack up the fags, drink less or do all those jobs round the house that have been in the pipeline for years.

So for this year I have set my limits a little lower to avoid disappointment. Inevitably. I will aim to;

  • See my penis for the first time in five years whilst standing without the aid of a mirror.
  • Reduce my rash by at least a third
  • Fix the wardrobe doors (one squeaks and the hinge on the other is a bit wonky as me and Shirl sought passion in 1997 to overcome an argument about the squeaky one – put me back out as well).

Oh yeah and to be happier.



You can read more of Bob’s musings whilst on the pot here and here. Your lives will be infinitely richer for doing so.

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