Wonga To Manage Foodbanks – Ian Duncan Smith Hails New Approach

Gfb has learned that Payday loan company Wonga are to set up Foodbanks in England.

Ian Drunken Spliff

The move has received the backing of the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff who said, “People can borrow a few quid off Wonga whilst picking up their beans and stale Frosties.  Wonga will seize the food in lieu of payment. If you don’t pay – you don’t eat! This will sort out obesity as well! Skinny and destitute – sounds like a plan to me!”

Drunken-Spliff then went for a lie down. And a shot of morphine.

Plans for Wonga to administer the Benefits system are well advanced. Benefits will become loans – With an interest rate of 4,678% per year the National Debt will be cleared in next to no time!

 

Gimp Morrising

 

 

 

 

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British Politics – Nonsense For A Purpose – An Occasional Series

There was contrived amazement in the Papers about the Racist (UKIP) Party’s  minor success in fooling morons to vote for them on the basis of ignorance, fear and lies, laced with false bonhomie, a pint of ale and a cigarette. The Party’s leader and chief chap, Nigel “I’m Not Sitting Next To You Darkie” Farage has returned to his cowpat to figure out what to say on tiptoe about the election results for the European Parliament.

Nigel used to work in the City of London as a trader.  He is a chap. He doesn’t like foreigners. Or the poor. Or the educated. Or the tolerant.

 

“The Bigger The Lie”

As previously reported by Gfb, the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister are a pair of bollocks, whilst the Leader of the Opposition is a dick.

 

They’re In It Together!

These shots were passed to Gfb by Emrie Self-Assembly, who happened across Rupert Murdoch taking off his underpants after a hard day’s undermining the democratic process. Murdoch was heard to say, “How ya doing down there boys? Still wanna fuck with me? Nothing like a shaved scrotum for comfort is there!”

If anyone thinks the Press is giving so much attention to UKIP because of plans to curb a Newspaper’s ability to hack the phone of  murdered children they are naive fools.

Hi! My Name Is Ed Minibellend

It really is a load of bollocks!

Gawd ‘elp us! Nonsense For a Purpose Indeed

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War On Welfare – Ian Drunken-Spliff To Crackdown On His Crackdown!

Gfb has received a letter outlining the Government’s crackdown on the crackdown on the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on the crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits. If the Jocks vote for independence they can have our dossers and we will let them keep the pound.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff, “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. And they won’t vote cos the fuckers can’t read or write. Gove has played a blinder on that one!”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“By victimising the poorest we are onto something! The blame the Muslims campaign is gathering momentum nicely too……. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Drunken-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in public with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Britain’s Got Talent and The Cube. “The public will love it,” Drunken-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV!”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!”

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on HS2.  “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves.”

 

“I simply say…….”

 

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Government Reacts To Miliband’s Shock Decision To Serve The People

                                                                                    Duncan-Spliff ‘avin it laaarge…..

Gfb has received a copy of a letter outlining how the Coalition will counter the surprise decision this week of Labour Leader Ed Miliband to address issues that affect people’s lives.

The Governments Plan? Screw the poor a bit more!

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Duncan-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.

It reveals plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff,  “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are still a drain on our resources. That arsehole Osborne has nicked me bong.”

 

The letter continues;

“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’ are all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest we will still be onto something! Rupe Murdoch  is back on board as he wants to completely fuck Miliband over now that this Commie thinks that Government is meant to work for the people and not against them. What a nerve!”

The letter also outlines the success of the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” campaign in terms of cornering the elderly bigot vote in the Home Counties to see off the challenge of the elderly bigots in UKIP.

Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Unemployed Jobseekers will dig the tunnels on HS2 to bring down project costs. If they refuse they will be set on fire. By Simon Cowell. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” Duncan-Spliff wrote.

•Disabled people’s physical and medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.

“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions and hopefully the old bastards will freeze to death beforehand – win win!” he states.

                                                                               “I simply say…….”

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