Posts Tagged ‘Hair Care’

the puppet master

 British PM  David Cameron has played a dastardly final card in his bid to cling to power.


As he trails pointless oaf Ed Miliband in the polls, the posh boy “Who cares deeply” has decided to make Gingers a key plank of his 2015 election campaign.

In his speech today to the Idiocracy that is the Conservative Party, Cameron will say, “Look here Chaps, we’ve fucked over the poor, propped up the Bankers, divided old from young, gay from straight, black from white and STILL people don’t like us! Even giving pooftahs the right to marry hasn’t helped.  I can only reach one conclusion. Gingers are to blame!”

To gasps from his dribbling, incontinent audience he blurted, “Banning Gingers from public life and stopping them using the internet to spread their gingery thingymajigs is all that is left to me. Polish my brogues please Fotheringham. Where is my fag?”


Last year, Gfb’s correspondent Gail Force-Winds revealed Tory plans to impose Burkhas on Gingers were shelved due to the fact that it was stupid. However, with the lads firing up in Iraq again and a need to appear to have some semblance of control domestically and internationally, the Ginger Question has been brought back.

Cameron’s comments put him at odds with President Barack Obama who, in a speech in Grimsby this month said, ‘We. Are not.  Going. To tell. People what colour. Their hair. Should. Be.’

He Is A Red!

Ed Miliband’s reply was, “I have forgotten what I was going to say. Blah blah blah.”




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Still Giving Lurve

Pump Up The Volume

Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.

I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?

Worried Les

Oily Replies;

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.



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Ailing French President, “Tricky” Nicky Sarkozy has played a dastardly final card in his increasingly desperate bid to cling to power in France.


As he trails bitter rival Francois Hollande in les polls, the titchy titular head of the 5th Republic has expanded his recent decision to force Gingers into Burkhas by completely banning them from French life.

A World Without Gingers….

In a rally outside a Boules Court in Brittany, Sarkozy, standing on a box said, “Frere Jacques, Sur la Pont D’Avignon, le Tour d’Eiffel, creme fraiche, hoh he hon. C’est les merdes Gingers whoez isez toez blamez pour mon predicamon!”

To gasps from his ball chucking audience he then blurted, “Sacere bleu! Non ces soir Josephine, Maginot Line! Avez vous une cuppa? Onions.”

Why Give This Man A Platform?


Last year, Gfb’s France correspondent Gael Force-Winds revealed the imposition of Burkhas on Gingers by Sarko.

Sarkozy’s comments put him at odds with President Barack Obama who, in a speech in Grimsby this month, said that the U.S. prized freedom of hair colour: ‘We. Are not.  Going to tell people what colour. Their hair. Should be.’

He Is A Red!

A Typical Frenchman 

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Oily George Looking For Change For The Bus

Leading Adult Film Producer, Oily George is here to help with any questions you have on Fashion, Beauty or DIY issues. Recently nominated for a Golden Scrotum award for his bold camera work on “Big Luvvin Carrot Crunchin’ Cul de Sac Love Machine”, Oily George really is a legend.

We hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Caseload # 4 – Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man has upped and left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Robbie Williams – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various.

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:

“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been

Doncha know wor I mean

Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen

But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”

So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Caseload  #5 – Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

I am rather hirsute and find myself having to shave up to three times a day. Recently when out on a family meal, the restaurant manager informed us that dogs were not allowed in the restaurant and banned me from the premises! You can imagine my embarrassment.

Shaving, depilation and waxing just don’t stem these hairy growth spurts – any ideas? I enclose a photo of myself – do you think I look like a Golden Retriever?

Rover, Brighton

Oily Responds;

Hey Rover, you do indeed look rather like Lassie. And what a fine four legged friend that pup was to many a man. If I were you I would get the hell out of Brighton if you’ve got restaurants that don’t allow you to eat with your pets.

Now I don’t really have a solution as to how you stem your hairiness. Here in LA in my role as a producer of ‘adult art’ we are exploring more niche markets. Let’s just say Fido needs some good lovin’ too! So we have a role for you if you want to head west, Especially if that photo is really you. If it is then woof woof, get on board boy! You’d have to pay for your flight and accommodation of course but we’d reimburse you the bus fare from LAX to the studio ( The Budget Motel, East LA).

You don’t happen to have 11 toes on one foot, 13 on the other? A longshot I know, just another niche movie we have in the pipeline but I’ll be damned if I can find the right person for the role.

Regards Oily

Case  #6  – Denture Venture

Try as I might I just cannot seem to get my teeth whitened in the fashion of the stars. I have tried paint, nail varnish and Bono’s sweat all sadly to no avail. How do you keep your gnashers all gleamin’ like?

Ishmail, Kazakhstan

Oily Responds;

Ishmail, what you need to do is go out for a few pints of Guinness with your mates. After a few you will find yourselves pointlessly gurning at eachother ( think Dick Van Dyke on speed). You will end up being pointed at and prodded with a stick by the local urchins. But ignore them for they know not what they do. Enter into the spirit of the gurn. The benefits are two fold. Firstly it will exercise the mouth and teeth area thus keeping your teeth nice and slim. it is a little known – some would say made up – fact that teeth can get fat too!

Secondly the ‘alleged’ chemicals within the head of the Guinness will strip away all gunge, residue and debris that will have collected on your teeth these past few years. Give it a go, you won’t be disappointed!

If you are then it was obviously bad Guinness and you’d need to see the pub landlord about reimbursement. How many toes have you got on your feet?

Kind Regards, Oily

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