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Posts Tagged ‘Indonesia’

Hi Kids,

It is your duty to take drugs!

cupboard crackhead copy

 

As the Government now includes proceeds from drugs and prostitution in official statistics I am proud that my Crack habit has helped pull the country out of recession. I’m not sure how statisticians arrived at these figures (exhaustive research must have been undertaken).

Prostitution should no longer be seen as drug addled women being pimped by scum to pay for their heroin addiction but as a bold, nay noble effort to get the country back on its feet, up against a wall or in a car or in a bus shelter…..

Makes ya proud to be British!

Beats me why would Scotland wish to become independent!

Uncle Crackhead

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Still Giving Lurve

Pump Up The Volume

Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.

I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?

Worried Les

Oily Replies;

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.

Oily

 

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Hello,

Gingerfightback’s film critic Mark Commode, has discovered that the central character in the Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Caesar  – was originally going to be Ginger as the film’s producers believed it would make the whole thing more realistic.

 

caeser2

Ginger and ever so angry

The next instalment, provisionally titled, “Early Morning On The Planet Of The Apes – Kippers for Breakfast” will feature a spectacular bicycle  chase  modelled on the attached outtake from, “Late Afternoon On The Planet Of The Apes – Not So Warm When The Sun Goes In Is It?”

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Hello Folks

My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a Potter.

I have been potterising for nearly two decades now. I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop down here in Lower Swell.

Here are some reviews of some of my favourite bits from the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

The Mona Lisa – Da Vinci’s masterpiece – I too knew a girl called Lisa who moaned a lot.

The Original Version!

The Original Version!

He Painted It – But Without A Yorkshire Pudding On His Head

2. Movies

Transformers – erm…..erm…..sorry……nope not a clue – why does it go on a bit?

3. Music

Beethoven’s 7th – it begins with; dum de dum dum dum de dum – goes on a bit thereafter.

4. Dance

The Nutcracker – Heavy hammed lads in tights and cod pieces go – PRANCE – PRANCE – LEAP! – Then thin birds in miniskirts go tippy toe -tippy toe – stand still – TWIRL!  – none of this has anything to do with nuts – which always confuses me.

PS What is a Potter’s favourite song?  Kiln Me Softly!

Village News

Whoever stole the Village notice board please return it.

Until next time……keep those wheels a spinning!

TCTP

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sooty

 

Ginger Sooty filed this from Copacabananananana Beach last night.

Hello,

big phil sausage copy

The Sausage of Destiny with Big Phil

 

As you will know Brazil are out!

Their coach “Big” Phil  blames the magical sausage he put so much faith in pre-tournament.

Nothing to do with the fact that the team spent their time wailing and gnashing their teeth like a cult of poorly coiffured neurotic evangelical Christians who thought the direct route to God could be achieved by kicking the shite out of their opponents.

David Luiz, their louche centre back even prayed to Big Phil’s banger of destiny – to no avail .

david luiz copy

Such is the shock in Brazil that yesterday temperatures rose by 2 degrees Celsius in central Rio de Janeiro as the city’s populace becalmed their buttocks in shock at the thrashing handed out by the Raiders from the Rhine. Sashaying will resume Sunday by Government decree.

big phil 3

The football has become increasingly sterile and apart from the collapse of Brazil against the Teutonic Titans nothing of any merit has occurred.

Even that cheating, diving bashtard Arjen Robben of the Netherlandsh couldn’t enliven the bore fesht that was der shemi final with Argnteenar. There were hopesh he would replicate der now infamoush “I tripped ova der Mexican’sh shaushage to earn der penlti,” incident.

Sadly not and the Argentinians went through.

robben copy

Pope Argie celebrated by blessing his fence.pope fence_edited-1

Other Things You May Have Missed

The Costa Rica team have been offered free Trans Gender surgery as a gift from a grateful nation for reaching the quarter finals. As yet none of the players have taken up this offer.

Chile forward Sancho Pancho Poncho Panpipe Parper was awarded a special medal by FIFA for over coming a dry scalp during the match against Brazil.

Pogues legend Shane  McGowan announced his retirement from international football.

Gollum has announced his retirement from international football.

Benedict Cumberbatch announced he would be available for selection for England once again after patching up things with England manager Roy “Watson” Hodgson. Benedict told Gfb, “I need to play off the main striker and not wide left. That way the lads’ll get the best out of me.”

benedict copy

Enjoy the World Cup – nearly finished

 

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Hello,

Grandpa Fightback swore that a good Shanty a day kept the hemorrhoids at bay. He lived to 105 and was never afflicted by the Chalfont Saint Giles.

GFB’s Folk and ancient lore expert Hermione Moist, rummaged in her backyard and found an old album by Toke Townley and The Tuggers, “Hand Shantys By The Shore With Sweet Deliza”.  The titles alone heave us windward into the salty spray as the Whaler hoves out of Nantucket;

There’s a Narwhal up me grapper.
I’ve been bent over a Barrel or two.
Have you dandled on Nelson’s Column?
They lowered her on me and Mary Rose.
There’s a cabin boy in me quarters.
Captain Sparrow’s marrow.
There’s never a gay pirate when you need a boost.

Here is a classic Shanty – Featured in Jaws so it has to be good!

 

 

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Aunty Bill,

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off today.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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