Posts Tagged ‘Beauty Tips’

Still Giving Lurve

Pump Up The Volume

Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on.

I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and mr pubic Afro pops into view?

Worried Les

Oily Replies;

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

Shave the offending pubes into the shape of something meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is a romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.



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Still Giving Lurve One Year On

Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours



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Hello Oily,

I recently discovered that my skin care regime is a bit on the harsh side.  I have exfoliated so hard that my legs now end at my knees. This makes wearing my new Puma trainers tricky. Also my love life is suffering.

Any tips?

Larry Blister, Alabama

Oily Replies;

Sorry to hear of your difficulties Larry.

But being in Alabama I’d say that makes you quite the catch. Betcha got a purty liddle cousin ain’t ya? Just pluck that banjo and go see her. If she ain’t down for some lovin’ she should have some extra toes you can nick.

Well it’s a start.


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Hello Reader!

After a summer break in Calipornia, Gfb’s Beauty Therapist and Advisor, Oily George is back to provide you with advice on issues of personal hygiene, appearance, making dirty films and romance. His Oil Highness is here to help.

Summer Bonkbuster!

Dear Oily,

I have long admired your erotic masterpieces and  am considering making a big budget version of your 80’s classic “Tug My Love Muscle II” – That funny looking lad who plays vampires a lot and that skinny girl from Harry Potter’s Thingymajig are both up for the lead roles. She is in the gym undergoing a wrist strengthening programme.

I just wanted to know what Best Boy you used in the film and what was your Key Grip?

Marty says hi too!

Steven Spielberg, Hull

Oily Replies;

Stevey Baby!

Did the ointment work?

Key Grip is easy – always use the overarm under shuffle five knuckle twister. But never, I repeat never, use the ballsack as a prop.

Remember when Bobby did that in Mean Streets?  I haven’t laughed so much since Marlon got his nuts caught in the mangle. OUCH!

Best Boy? Being an equal opportunities employer,  I always employ two girls to be my Best Boy. Twins. Swedish. Blonde. 18. I’ll pass on their number. It works for me.


It’s an age thing.

Much love to Marty.

Tell him I have the photos under lock and key, nothing for him to worry about.


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Regular readers of Gingerfightback will recall that our beauty therapist and lifestyle guru, Oily George is currently in the USA filming a number of erotic films. You may be interested to learn that George has had a very productive meeting with Disney over a remake (with erotic undertones) of a classic children’s  TV series.

He is hopeful that Scooby Blue will be released next summer.

George has taken a break from filming (and to have his annual prostrate check up) and  faxed me this letter, which he was keen to share with you all!

Hi my lithesome sweat stained, slightly drooling readers. Sorry for my tardy responses to you all of late. I have been busy in Southern California spreading….well ever aware that you may be having your dinner, let us just say I have been spreading the good word of the Oily One.

I just checked my sack recently and boy oh boy was I surprised and rather proud of the bulge! Full to the brim with letters from you all.

Touched I was. I was young, he was the parish priest. But I digress.

Whilst in California I have had some interesting problems to answer. One young man on Huntington beach on 4th July accosted me thus:

‘Yo oily dude. Awesome man, hey I’m stoked. My queen haystack bitch stole my heart, smoked my bong and made off with my roomie. This was not cool man. I need advice. Guidance. I saw you working out on muscle beach down Venice way and like how do I get a 16 pack like u. I’m stuck with a mere 6er. So come on dude whassup?”

Well people, I was totally bamboozled by what he said. I speak the Queen’s English. But after watching the official Southern Californian Tourist Guide DVD ( aka ‘The Big Lebowski’) I was able to translate.

It would appear that his good lady had left him bereft, alone save for his by now, rather raw red right hand. He wanted a physique like mine believing therein lay the answer.

I explained that the ladies enjoy ‘riding the Oily ripple’. Either that or they enjoy the cash I pay them.

However I feel his attire was his main problem. Baseball Cap, T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops to win a fair maiden’s heart?

Wrong, so very very wrong.

I explained that if he wants the chance to ride the skinboat to tuna town he needs to smarten up. Well he has taken my advice to heart and can now be seen on the beaches and boardwalks between LA and San Diego dressed in a rather louche ensemble of crumpled linen suit accessorised with cravat and cummerbund.

I do not mean Sherlock Holmes is wrapped around his waist. That is Benedict Cumberbatch. An oft made mistake especially with the reputation Benedict has here in Tinseltown. Or at least would have if I were to make up some gossip.

Ever shiny ever sleek.



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Dear Oily,

I live in the Brandywell area of Free Derry. I worry constantly about the threat of earthquakes in California, your neck of the woods. So I do, like.

I keep waiting for the Big One. If or when it happens and assuming it clashes with my Baked Plumage session at the local Slap and Tans Beauty Salon, do I keep my appointment or should I just put tin foil on my head, a pencil up my nostril and hide under the bed all the while whistling Dixie?

Sinead MacTiocfaidh, Derry Hey

Oily Replies;

Hello Thingymajig

Irrelevantly enough, at my peak here in Nonsense City, I used to be known as the Big One. When I was with a fair maiden and the night reached a climax, the earth fairly moved for her!  So much so that the local loons often mistook it for an earthquake.

This doesn’t help your situation but gives me a chance to boast about my prowess back in the day.

Indeed, it was this prowess that led me to enter the-are-you-sure-that-is-legal market? for which I am loved by bandaged S&M afficianados the world over.

Yours bound and gagged


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As you know Oily George, Gfb’s Beauty advisor has helped many to improve their body image and styling through his appreciation of style, sex, erotica, smut and the ability to sexually innuendise anything he sees.

Hello Oily,

I was wondering if you could let me know what you have for breakfast. I’m sure it is the secret to you maintaining your fantastic figure and youthful looks.

Wendy, Bolsover

Oily Replies;


I start the day with a bowl of Hornflakes.  And some fruit. Bananas mostly. Must dash, have a plane to catch!



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Oils well the ends well

Dear Oily,

I have had 48 facelifts in the last 4 years. However, the last time I flew long distance the skin on my face melted into my Martini. I was rather shaken by it whilst my husband was a little stirred.

How do I stop this happening the next time?

Martha, Vineyard

Oily Replies


Did you fly Aer Fungus by chance? This happened to me recently.

It is an allergic reaction to the eye wateringly malodorous scents their Trolley Dollies wear. Luckily for me my actual skin didn’t melt off,  just the layers of oil that I produce, which fortunately acted as a protective buffer.

A sort of condom for the face, if you will.

At first the airline were extremely annoyed at the gloopy residue I left behind and were going to sue me.

That was before they realised that my natural unguents could fuel cars. And make a nifty salad dressing.

Now we are in partnership making money hand over fist. I fly first class with them for free (but don’t touch their salads). Everyone is happy!

Well except you sadly. But as the Loaf himself once warbled “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad!”



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Oily George, Gfb’s Beauty Advisor and lifestyle Guru has had a busy few weeks. He has completed the edit of his new motion picture Big Knobs And Broomsticks  and is working on the world’s first porno pop up collection of Christmas Cards.

He has however found the time to answer some more of your questions. We hope you find them useful.

On Borrowed Time

Hello Oily,

I read with interest that you are in the Pawn industry. How much do you think I will get for this watch? I am running low on cider.

Delores, Devon

Oily Replies,

Sorry Delores I hate this, when a reader wanders down the wrong darkly lit corridor. This is Oily’s Beauty Tips not Madge’s Moneymarket.

But whilst you are here, and quite the saucy little vixen I’ll wager, let me tell you – many sweet tastes have passed my salivating lips but never cider. It’s kinda common. You drink cider you’ll look end up looking like a bedraggled version of sexpot Sarah Ferguson.

Talking of common, Maybe you should drop by and see my good friend Aunty Bill. Despite her/his cheap pound shop perfume and Matalan nylon slacks, non matching wig and flaking nose hair, there are some who say she/he is full of wisdom ( or Strong Drink) and may be able to answer your questions on what cheap nasty drink to buy to get you through your chavtastic existence.

I know for a fact that Aunty Bill enjoys a glass or two of Blue Nun. I enjoy a Blue Nun in a slightly more physical manner.

Yours judgmentally,


Washer Dryer

Hello Oily

Recently I swallowed a washing machine (A Zanussi – none of your cheap rubbish). As you can imagine the spin cycle causes some trouble in my innards although my whites came out whiter than ever. The trouble is I have become addicted to Fabric Conditioner (Up to 6 bottles a day) and I am starting to develop feelings for my tumble dryer.

The Surgeon (A very nice man if a little shaky) has said an operation is out of the question and has suggested I make the most of predicament by setting myself up as a mobile launderette. Do you think I should offer an ironing service?

Des, Tumbleton

Oily Replies

Hey Des,

At last a question that is right up my alley. And how I love something up my alley. But then don’t we all? No? Ok.

In the curdle-the-cream market for which the Vice Squad know me best, we have many uses for kitchen whites. In these times of economic depression, to save on budget we use said machines as a kind of ‘ female fluffer’.

I used to get the girls ready for their scenes myself using just the tools that The Dark Prince gave me. But I’m not a spring chicken anymore. More a turkey’s giblet.

I haven’t really got the energy I used to have. Plus I have a rheumatic tongue.

And thats where the tumble dryer comes in. Yes girls you know what I’m talking about….as Loony Tune Brian Beach Boy meant to sing before he lost his marbles …’good good good good vibrations, sat atop my Zanussi 1400 with built in dryer function set to spin…..’

Ever Oily Dear Readers……

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Hello Folks,

Oily George has proved very popular! His no nonsense advice and knowledge of erotica make him the ideal adviser on all things aesthetic, prosthetic or pneumatic.

He is between tanning sessions at the moment and so has the time to answer some more of your pressing beauty questions.

If You Want To Get Ahead Get A Hat


I have recently bought a nice new bobble hat. The bobble is a thing of rare beauty. But can you help me?

Do I wear the bobble atop me head or do I wear the bobble on the rear of my bonce. This bobble wobble is causing me angst.

Wilton, Braintree

Oily Replies;

Hi there Wilty,

I can’t believe there are those who actually wear bobble hats in public. In private it is understandable. On my fun nights in I often wear a nun’s outfit  (watch out for my upcoming docu/drama Wimper in a Wimple to find out more)  However I would never wear it in public. The shame in being seen in black here in the Plastic State would be too much to bear. Plus it ain’t conducive to topping up on the old tan. So really Wilton I’d leave the bobble at home. Go for the fedora. Classy. Smoooth.


Blood Simple

Dear Oily

Recently I went on holiday. Whilst on the Road to Nowhere I was queuing up at the security checkpoint when I noticed that the lady in front of me was suffering from a bad dose of extenuating circumstances. Have you any advice for the next time this happens to my wife?

Charley Husker-Du, Happysville

Oily Replies

Dear Charley,

In the Careful-There’s-A-Childs-Bike-Outside market that I cater for, this very problem is one that frequently causes us to run over budget as many of our actresses suffer from the same problem. Best bet? Go to the Chemist’s and buy some blood (or black pudding) – and spread liberally on the scalp of your dear wife.

No Charles not on her boobs – what do you take me for, some sort of low rent Winneresque pervert? Just her scalp. Leave for 10 minutes. Then lick it off. Slowly. It will work trust me. My actresses were eternally grateful that I did this for them but hey I take the employer/employee relationship to heart. Collapsing and getting my stomach pumped was a small price to pay for my girls health and well being.


Ever Giving


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