Cameron’s Final Gamble! “Gingers Must Wear Burkhas!”

 British PM  David Cameron has played a dastardly final card in his bid to cling to power.

BANNING GINGERS FROM PUBLIC VIEW!

As he trails pointless oaf Ed Miliband in the polls, the posh boy “Who cares deeply” has decided to make Gingers a key plank of his 2015 election campaign.

In his speech today to the Idiocracy that is the Conservative Party, Cameron will say, “Look here Chaps, we’ve fucked over the poor, propped up the Bankers, divided old from young, gay from straight, black from white and STILL people don’t like us! Even giving pooftahs the right to marry hasn’t helped.  I can only reach one conclusion. Gingers are to blame!”

To gasps from his dribbling, incontinent audience he blurted, “Banning Gingers from public life and stopping them using the internet to spread their gingery thingymajigs is all that is left to me. Polish my brogues please Fotheringham. Where is my fag?”

Last year, Gfb’s correspondent Gail Force-Winds revealed Tory plans to impose Burkhas on Gingers were shelved due to the fact that it was stupid. However, with the lads firing up in Iraq again and a need to appear to have some semblance of control domestically and internationally, the Ginger Question has been brought back.

Cameron’s comments put him at odds with President Barack Obama who, in a speech in Grimsby this month said, ‘We. Are not.  Going. To tell. People what colour. Their hair. Should. Be.’

He Is A Red!

Ed Miliband’s reply was, “I have forgotten what I was going to say. Blah blah blah.”

 

 

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Tony Blair Calls On The USA To Bomb Scotland

Narcissistic loon Tony Blair has called upon President Obama to bomb Glasgow as he is convinced the Islamic State has gained a foothold in the land of the Kilted.

As he told GFB,

“I was with the Chairs of RBS, Barclays, BP and Halliburton explaining how to create the conditions for peace via slaughter, when I was handed a dossier entitled “Al-Alex Salmond Plans to introduce Deep Fried Islam to Scotland.” It’s all true because the dossier came in a nice plastic folder and had some pictures in it. One showed the Glasgow Rangers ground with a bloke with a beard sitting in one of the seats. What more proof do you need?”

Is He An Islamist?

So, I called me old muckers Bill Clinton and George W to see if the Yanks could strike and y’know what? They never returned my call! Me! After all I’ve done for America!

Didn’t bother with Obama – never liked fellas who are rational.

But mark my words – Scotland will be the next Islamist bolthole.”

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Bombing Iraq – I Thought We Had Won! – By Bob On The Pot

I had the morning off waiting for Curry’s to deliver the new flat screen TV. It’s got surround sound, radar, sonar and a missile launching system. Naturally they didn’t turn up.

The curly Kale diet was working its magic and I was on the pot reading The Sun.

The Yanks are going to start bombing Iraq again because although we “won” and “left a vibrant, pluralistic, democratic state” behind, it has all gone a bit tits up and some Angry Lads who think they are indestructible want to set up a Caliphate (whatever that is – thought it was a camping stove) – and suppress everything that lives there – even the wind if it blows too hastily.

Now a load of Ancient Christians are stuck up an Iraqi mountain (like Moses when he nipped up one to get a few do’s and dont’s – the one about not killing is always good for a laugh) – the Angry Lads want to kill them because their version of the same God is different – largely in choice of headwear it seems to me.

Then there’s the Israeli’s – same God – different head-gear again – slaughtering the innocents and creating more Angry Lads in the process.

Jesus was up a mountain – told us to be good – talk about stating the obvious! Then he was slaughtered – on a mountain.

Fuck it – going down the Stretched Testicle for a few pints.

At least me bowels are moving with aplomb.

But what is it with religion and mountains?

Go tell it my son!

I blame Buddhists. Bastards to a man.

Bob

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Miliband Describes Talks With Obama As “Constructive”

Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband has told Gingerfightback’s Political Editor Marsupial Fanning that his recent meeting with President Obama was  both “Constructive and nutritious.”

The buck toothed laddio went onto say, “The President and I share views on Syria,  ISIS, Russia, Gaza, and the right amount of melted cheese in a burger. He now knows that  fries are called chips in England. I must say his chewing was impeccable. It has come on leaps and bounds.”

When asked for his views on the meeting the President replied, “Who? Never met the fella.”

Ed has been likened to Wallace from Wallace and Gromit – well, he is a bit stop go after all.

 

 

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Syria – Still No Agreement – Preparations For Strikes Begin

How Would You Characterise Your Leaders Folks?

Hello,

Presidents Obama and Putin are  still at loggerheads over the need to lob a few missiles into Syria to tell off naughty President Assad and his mates for using chemical weapons.

The benefits of chucking a few missiles into Syria hasn’t been explained yet. But because there is no reason not to lob a few bombs at a dictator tucked away in his bunker and in all probability no longer in command of anything; FUCK IT! LAUNCH!

No doubt a few more innocent Syrians will die but, but Hey Ho! house prices are on the rise!

A CLEAR MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT! WE HAVE ACTED!

The Stealth Sausage Bombers are primed and the Inter Continental Ballistic Sausages armed and locations fixed;

.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron, miffed at being unable to understand why Parliament did not vote to keep us up America’s back passage and so threatening his post Prime Ministerial career of the global lecture circuit and directorships of Multi-Nationals a la Tony Blair, has got the right hump with President “Putin” On The Rich for dismissing the UK as a small island everyone ignores.

  

                 Peace Envoy My Arse

“What a bounder! He’s cost me a fortune,” The PM was heard saying as he queued for tea and sausage rolls at St Petersburg Bus Station, “Two words that’ll show we are still a Great nation – Morris Dancing!” And with a Hey Nonny Nonny, Nonny Hey Hey, David and the chaps pranced their way down St Petersburg High Street doing the famous “Cornish Toe Tap Tickle” and the strangely evocative  “Blackie Bladder Bounce”. So put that in yer pipe and smoke it you Russian slap headed Bastard!

What a load of Bollox!

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Obama And Putin Chicken On Head Balancing Face Off – Update!

Hello,

Those of you who read the earlier news story (here!) about Obama and Putin “On The Ritz” settling their differences by balancing a roast chicken on their heads have probably spent the day wondering what has been happening and who won?

Well, we can reveal that after 16 hours of intense balancing and occasional wobbling, President Obama came out on top! Obviously his well known poise and ability to work calmly under pressure were enough to see off the plucked plucky plutocrat from Moscow.

Chickens off to Barack and I wouldn’t want to be in Snowden’s shoes………..

Finally. Chicken. Has Come. To America

Cluck cluck

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G8 Summit: NSA and GCHQ Accused Of Spying: Chinstraps Involved!

World Exclusive!

Gingerfightback correspondent, Damien One-Lump-Or-Two has discovered that British Minister, Philip Hammond has been secretly spying on all those foreign leader types who are having a natter in Northern Ireland. As this image shows Hammond is secretly beaming messages back to the spooks at NSA and GCHQ as part of the now notorious GISM programme.

Whilst the antennae may look like a rotary clothes dryer held on with a chinstrap, it is in fact the most advanced (only) integrated spying and drying kit in the world.

As Hammond told President Putin The Boot In, of Ruskyland, “Now I can earwig you about Syria whilst I air me smalls old chap!”

Backdown! – Putin On The Ritz

British PM David Cameron meanwhile thinks tax evasion can be cured by a spot of Morris Dancing. “Come on Chaps, Tally Ho! Hey Nonny Nonny, Whack Me Wood Clegg! Bally Hell who let that Wog in here! Security!” Cameron is rumoured to have said after seeing President Obama stroll into the canteen for an egg mayonnaise sandwich late last night.

Reports that there was cress in the sandwich have been strenuosly denied by Whitehouse sources.

Being in Ireland has allowed President O’Bama to proclaim his Celtic roots. “Finally. Ginge. Has Come. To America,” he told adoring crowds in Belfast.

Among the audience was  Shin Bone leader Gerry Adams sporting a natty new look.

Not to be outdone, the Loyalist community brought out their own refreshed look and will henceforth be known as the Terry’s Chocolate Orange Order.

These two turned up as well.

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes to Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello,

Good News! My piles are responding to treatment. Judging from the mail I received on the matter, nobody was interested.

It is a big day in the On The Pot household this week. Not only did we have a bidet fitted, but my son and heir Dinsdale, is getting married!

Yes, the drug taking layabout, who once stole his grandma’s teeth for a phial of crack, has found love. Felicity, his probation officer has even allowed him to go to the Church tag free to marry his long time lover Raymond.

Yes! Britain’s first gay marriage will be between my boy and his fella.

Lovely lad Raymond. Bone idle and opiate dependent. Vegetarian too. But he assures me that his current shoplifting spree is purely to pay for the wedding. Love really can turn people round.

I must admit it will be strange escorting the bride down the aisle, especially as he is six feet four and has a tattoo of Snoop Dogg on his forehead, but if that is what my boy wants to do then who am I to stand in his way? The dress isn’t his colour though.

My lovely wife Shirley has shown distinct signs of excitement about the wedding, even going as far as getting a top up mahogany veneer at the salon. She looks like Al Jolson’s lovechild, but at least she has stopped smearing the futon.

They are going on the hen night tomorrow. The locals at the Old Fallopian won’t know what’s hit ’em! Especially when Shirl’s sister, Doreen gets going. It’s like watching a bulimic Pirhana if she get’s her hands on a young man. Poor bastard, whoever you are……

Me? I’m staying in and playing with the bidet.

Laters.

Bob

You can read more of Bob’s musings whilst on the pot here and here. Your lives will be infinitely richer for doing so.

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes to Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello,

How are the New Year Resolutions going? Me too sadly. (They are listed here if you are interested).

I have been thinking about Art.  I like paintings.  A Man o’War or a dog playing a harp are both to my taste.

Recently I was struggling in the facilities of Liverpool Street Station on account of a “swift half” of twelve pints of Cider.

As I finished my business, I noticed on the cubicle door, a crayon drawing of two men involved in a gymnastic display worthy of Nadia Comaneci (if she was a bloke that is). One of them may have had a beard. Tasteful it most certainly wasn’t.

There was a phone number scrawled beneath the sketch and the phrase “I like cock.”

One word came to mind, Banksy, followed by the old proverb “One Born Every Minute”.

Lucien Croix De Guerre,  an Art Dealer in Shoreditch certainly was.

£3,000 he paid me for it.

Strange looks I got walking down Commercial Road with a toilet door under one arm and a copy of The Sun under the other! Lucien reckoned I had invented a new genre. Les Artes de Cottage, he called it.

The door is now hung in the Tate Modern with the title, “The Fallowness Of The Soul” (Yeah, I don’t know either). Turns out the phone number was a Tory MP opposed to Gay Marriage.

Bought my lovely wife Shirley a sitting at the local tattoo parlour with some of the money. Lovely tat of Barack Obama she got. Although it was meant to be Margaret Thatcher. Not the best tattooist. Cheap though. Does a great dagger through the heart. He did mine. Looks alright from a certain angle. Shame he spelled Shirley’s name wrong though. Shirty has a certain ring to it though. Could have been worse.

Laters.

Bob

You can read more of Bob’s musings whilst on the pot here and here. Your lives will be infinitely richer for doing so.

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Pointless Ginger Wig Adaptations #23 – Barack Obama

He may just have been re-elected, but this is without doubt his greatest honour!

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