Can the books of Barbara Taylor Bradford cure my cellulite problems Oily George?

Still Giving Lurve One Year On

Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours

Oily

 

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Chicken Mittens – Even The Pope Wears Them!

They are the latest must have accessory – they keep your hands warm, afford you a nibble when peckish and also stop you bitin’ on dem cuticles. As Pope Argie said in St Peter’s this morning, “These are the bollox. Oi Diego! on me head son.”

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Bankers Go Bonkers For Bangers!

Haute Couture Meets The Sausage In This Cheeky Little Number

Hello,

As you may or may not know, Gfb has been charting the rise of the Sausage amongst the great and good as a must have fashion accessory. Our money correspondent, Brucie Bonus (Brisbane born and bred) has just filed this copy that would indicate that the sausage is now becoming de-rigeur amongst the City of London elite.

Phew, was I bushed.

I’d spent last Friday in the office finishing a piece on Paul Hollywood entitled ‘Good Baker or Master Baker?’ so decided to stop off at Pullers Champagne Bar in Jerk Street to meet some real people and swallow something overpriced, so in I slipped.

“Buy Me 5 Year Sausage!”

Rogue Sausage Trader

Strewth, let me tell you brother, it’s not often I’m outta place in the fashion stakes but I felt like the only guy in the room who couldn’t geddit up and for a full blooded Aussie, that’s a hard call. Man, overnight, the World of Fashion’s gone sausage mad! Everyone’s wearing them.  I felt like a Leftie at Thatcher’s funeral.

Of course, the City big boys were giving it large and had obviously been spending a bit of bonus cash at Barbecoa. The sheer thrill of witnessing the purchase of a Brut Krug with a Saveloy gently caressing the forehead nearly made me do one.

But get this, the joy of sporting a Follicle Frankfurter or a Mohican Mortadella doesn’t have to come at a price. A simple twist of Salami from the local Deli pinned provocatively to a front curl is guaranteed to make any bar stool wet. The guy next to me had apparently already ditched his Winter Salami for a Pepperette.

Things are moving quickly in the World of Weisswurst. You can’t afford to be caught with yesterday’s Butifarra on yer Barnet can you? Anyway, he looked a bit of a Bun Duster to me so I moved next to a man wearing a Rugby tie. He’d just ordered Tapas. Suddenly he guffawed loudly and a large piece of Chorizo flew from his mouth and nestled, rather conveniently to the left of my parting. Perfect.I could have spent all night in the bathroom and not been so pleased.

So where did this yummy fashion come from?

It had to be Paris or Milan I intimated to the Rugby man who turned out to be South African and sported a rather large and common Boerewors on his cropped hair. Well Lawdy Lawdy, it turns out that the ‘A Listers’ in London have been wearing them for yonks.

Pippa-roni!

Started with the Stones in a Ford Transit. Jagger asleep with his sarnie gaping, cheeky Charlie Watts, always the joker, picks up a Chipolata and sticks it in Jagger’s hair and the rest is history. Albeit not very interesting history. By the end of the tour it was a sausage-fest. Natch.

This week’s fashion tips:

On the way up –

Allen’s of Mayfair
Chadwicks
Ginger Pig
Waitrose

On the way down-

Iceland
Cheltenham Racecourse
Farmfoods
Road Kill.

Bonzer!

“What’s that Skip?”

Who Put This Fackin’ Sausage On Me Noggin?”

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!

Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Kelly Osborne – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various

Hitler – Testicle

Greyfriars Bobbie – An Owner

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:

“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been

Doncha know wor I mean

Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen

But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”

So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Oily

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!

Popeless and Jobless

Dear Oily

I have recently resigned from my job. At 85 years old I am quite frankly sick and tired of dressing up in ill fitting frocks and having a couple of hundred people a week bending over and kissing my ring.

Down with this sort of thing I say. Any openings in your business?

Joey Ratzinger

Vatican City

Pope Pius 23rd

Oily Replies;

Yo Ratzo my dawg,

Hows it hanging man? Surprised to hear you are jacking it in Pontiff baby, ‘cos at the FatVat 12 Xmas party, we did discuss over a Remy Martin and Gurkha hand rolled how your working day was so similar to my legendary Saturday Night Beverly Hills pool parties. You got the perfect job. Dang soldier you sure you wanna give all that up?

What about a ( not so ) straight swap –  I would like to spend a bit of time in Rome even though it has gone a bit tame in the last couple of thousand years. Man that empire knew how to party.

And for you? Well Hollywood could be just the breath of fetid air you need to get that wilting staff of yours erect and vibrant once more.

PS …maybe you just need another batch of my little blue pills? Let me know.

Oily.

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1 Year Of Oily George! 1 Year Of Filthy Advice!

A year ago, a greasy, has been Porn Star approached Gingerfightback with a vision. As this vision would be illegal in most right thinking homes, he was offered a regular column,  advising the workshy, feckless and foppish on the do’s and don’ts of personal appearance.

His advice has brought advice, succour and lurve in abundance to many Gingerfightback readers for exactly a year now (He even taught Penny how to Rod Stewart!).

So, to celebrate Oily George’s first and possibly last anniversary for Gfb here is his first advice column.

It is smutty, crude, childish and haircentric – Thanks Oily!

Still Giving Lurve One Year On

We are delighted to announce that Oily George, Gfb’s very own beauty expert has returned from filming in the US to answer some of your questions relating to health, beauty and personal grooming.

As  a leading light in the adult film industry of the United Kingdom, with such classics as “Market Gardener A Go Go” and “Onion Orgy IV” under his belt, Oily knows a thing or two about the importance of appearance and cooking vegetables to boot.

We hope you find his advice helpful.

1. Oily Caseload #1 – Hair Raising

Oily George – First it was hair loss so I bought a wig – now my nylon hair has developed split ends?

Any tips?

Nantucket Bob

Oily replies,

Not sure what the problem is with Split Enz. An excellent New Zealand band and ‘I Got You’ was a fantastabulous single. The lead singer Micky Finn went on to form another beat combo called Crowded House – interestingly he named this band after the tenement building he and his 8 brothers and sisters grew up in.

Perhaps knowing this, Nanty Bob, you will now open, or lower, your ears and listen. And enjoy those Split Enz

2. Oily Caseload #2 – Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange  peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours

Oily

3.Oily Caseload #3 – Pump Up The Volume

Oh Oily! I am in a bind. Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region by mistake. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on. I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and the lead singer from Mungo Jerry pops into view?

Any ideas?

Worried Les

Oily Replies

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and, you know, let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

I suggest you shave the offending pubes into the shape of something important and meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the sort of shapes and images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

The girl in that tennis poster scratching her arse.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is an unbelievably romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.

Oily

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello Bob Lewington here,

I was round Lynn my sister’s this weekend to help her fella Darren creosote their garden fence. There is little love lost between Darren and me.  Several years ago I caught him trying to steal my living room window.

But Lynn asked for my help and how can I refuse?

The curly Kale worked its magic, so I tucked Lynn’s Cosmopolitan under me arm and paid a visit to the facilities.

I read about how the pleated sleeve is big this year and how an actress whose name escapes me overcame shoe disorder syndrome to get her life back on track. I’m a slip-on man for what it is worth.

There was also a story about how Melanie a 34 year old events planner from Balham, had her life saved by her pet cat Snappy. Apparently Mel had fallen down the stairs at home and had broken her ankle, tibia, hip, six ribs and neck.

Snappy dialled the emergency services, administered CPR and prepared a poultice using nothing but everyday herbs and spices found in the modern British kitchen.

Melanie has made a full recovery thanks to Snappy’s speed of thought and First Aid training. I am allergic to cats. They bring my rash out something terrible.

The creosoting went well apart from Darren trying to steal his own fence. He has issues.

Be lucky.

Bob

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More Ginger Beauty Tips! With Oily George

Hello Folks – we are pleased to announce that our lifestyle guru and expert on all things personal, Oily George has taken the time out of his busy filming schedule in the sunny uplands of the LA porn world (he is curently working on an erotic version of The Bridges of Madison County)  to provide some more useful tips about everyday beauty issues.

We hope you find them useful. We do!

Footsore and Unsure!

Hello Oily

What guarantee is there that if I have a pedicure my ped will get better?

Sheila Kneeler, Daventry

Oily Replies,

Sorry Sheila but peds are incurable. I had 5 of them growing all at once in my bedroom. Tried to remove them using a wire brush and some extra truculent oil – which funnily enough I always have plenty to hand. Or foot.I once found one particularly lairy ped – think Ray Winston with a yeast infection…. lying on the outer edge of my festering mind. Caught it and par boiled it with an extra dollop of existentialism. With a nice bottle of Chianti, Mmmmm very tasty.

Oh dear, reading back on this answer to your problem I feel I may have been baking by my pool in the sun waaaaay too long. But I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, just drink heavily. Peds dislike alcohol, it makes them exfoliate.

Regards Oily

Facing The Sack!

Hello Oily

I look after myself, don’t smoke, drink or abuse substances. I run, workout and have a winning smile due to recent dental surgery. My mum thinks I am a bit of a catch. My only problem is a sagging scrotum. It knocks around my knees and when I run they swing to such an extent that people liken me to a Pampas Gaucho swinging his Bolo around. Do you think Botox on my Bollox will help?

Swinging Les, Bristol

Oily Replies,

Les your problem is what exactly? As I often say to complete strangers that I accost in coffee shops here in the Sunshine State……you have to work with what Beelzebub gave you.

I too have big lumpen shapeless bollox. But am proud of them and like to air them at every opportunity.

Unfortunately the judge didn’t quite share my viewpoint and has given me 90 days incarceration. Mind you having a fun time here, never been more popular, especially with my roomie Leatherface Lance. Not a moments rest I tell ya and so much new material for my movies!

Best Wishes

Oily

Trees Company!

Please Help Oily

I have recently discovered that I am largely made of wood (Ash and Elm since you ask). Have you any tips for a skin care regime? I have tried Nivea and the stuff that bird from Friends used to advertise (‘cos I am worth it!) But they just down soak in very well. Any ideas?

Linda Barker, Manningtree

Oily Replies

Linda,

In the Not-In-Front-Of-The-Children market that I cater for – a lot of the actors are, like yourself, made entirely of wood. For my male leads such as Gary Cuprinol, star of such western classics as ‘Git off Your Horse cos I wanna **** it’ and ‘Doc Holliday’s Horny Holster’ this is of course a blessing as it means they are at all times ‘primed’. However woodiness is not so desirable for my leading ladies. Therefore to lessen their stiffness,loosen them up a little, I get my pet poodle Chow Mein to pee into a bowl, mix it with some Blue Oyster Cult and I then Administer the resultant paste all over said actress. Yes readers, you delicate flowers , I apply it in every nook and cranny. It is a task I insist on doing myself as I am after all, a muse to these girls. The result: they lose their wood, transferring it to me! Happiness all round

Anyway Linda I hope this has helped. By the way I always got a real sense of arousal when you were on Changing Rooms. Still fit? Any chance of a pic for my collection? Want me to apply the paste personally? Come and see me in another 30 days or so. I should be out of the clink by then. Assuming Lance unties me. Wonder if he’ll let me keep this gimp outfit…

Best wishes

Oily

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More Ginger Beauty Tips!

Oily George Looking For Change For The Bus

Leading Adult Film Producer, Oily George is here to help with any questions you have on Fashion, Beauty or DIY issues. Recently nominated for a Golden Scrotum award for his bold camera work on “Big Luvvin Carrot Crunchin’ Cul de Sac Love Machine”, Oily George really is a legend.

We hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Caseload # 4 – Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man has upped and left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Robbie Williams – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various.

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:

“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been

Doncha know wor I mean

Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen

But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”

So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Caseload  #5 – Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

I am rather hirsute and find myself having to shave up to three times a day. Recently when out on a family meal, the restaurant manager informed us that dogs were not allowed in the restaurant and banned me from the premises! You can imagine my embarrassment.

Shaving, depilation and waxing just don’t stem these hairy growth spurts – any ideas? I enclose a photo of myself – do you think I look like a Golden Retriever?

Rover, Brighton

Oily Responds;

Hey Rover, you do indeed look rather like Lassie. And what a fine four legged friend that pup was to many a man. If I were you I would get the hell out of Brighton if you’ve got restaurants that don’t allow you to eat with your pets.

Now I don’t really have a solution as to how you stem your hairiness. Here in LA in my role as a producer of ‘adult art’ we are exploring more niche markets. Let’s just say Fido needs some good lovin’ too! So we have a role for you if you want to head west, Especially if that photo is really you. If it is then woof woof, get on board boy! You’d have to pay for your flight and accommodation of course but we’d reimburse you the bus fare from LAX to the studio ( The Budget Motel, East LA).

You don’t happen to have 11 toes on one foot, 13 on the other? A longshot I know, just another niche movie we have in the pipeline but I’ll be damned if I can find the right person for the role.

Regards Oily

Case  #6  – Denture Venture

Try as I might I just cannot seem to get my teeth whitened in the fashion of the stars. I have tried paint, nail varnish and Bono’s sweat all sadly to no avail. How do you keep your gnashers all gleamin’ like?

Ishmail, Kazakhstan

Oily Responds;

Ishmail, what you need to do is go out for a few pints of Guinness with your mates. After a few you will find yourselves pointlessly gurning at eachother ( think Dick Van Dyke on speed). You will end up being pointed at and prodded with a stick by the local urchins. But ignore them for they know not what they do. Enter into the spirit of the gurn. The benefits are two fold. Firstly it will exercise the mouth and teeth area thus keeping your teeth nice and slim. it is a little known – some would say made up – fact that teeth can get fat too!

Secondly the ‘alleged’ chemicals within the head of the Guinness will strip away all gunge, residue and debris that will have collected on your teeth these past few years. Give it a go, you won’t be disappointed!

If you are then it was obviously bad Guinness and you’d need to see the pub landlord about reimbursement. How many toes have you got on your feet?

Kind Regards, Oily

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Ginger Beauty Tips

Oily George - Here To Help

We are delighted to announce that Oily George, Gfb’s very own beauty expert has returned from filming in the US to answer some of your questions relating to health, beauty and personal grooming.

As  a leading light in the adult film industry of the United Kingdom, with such classics as “Market Gardener A Go Go” and “Onion Orgy IV” under his belt, Oily knows a thing or two about the importance of appearance and cooking vegetables to boot.

We hope you find his advice helpful.

1. Oily Caseload #1 – Hair Raising

Oily George – First it was hair loss so I bought a wig – now my nylon hair has developed split ends?

Any tips?

Nantucket Bob

Oily replies,

Not sure what the problem is with Split Enz. An excellent New Zealand band and ‘I Got You’ was a fantastabulous single. The lead singer Micky Finn went on to form another beat combo called Crowded House – interestingly he named this band after the tenement building he and his 8 brothers and sisters grew up in.

Perhaps knowing this, Nanty Bob, you will now open, or lower, your ears and listen. And enjoy those Split Enz

2. Oily Caseload #2 – Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange  peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours

Oily

3.Oily Caseload #3 – Pump Up The Volume

Oh Oily! I am in a bind. Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region by mistake. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on. I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and the lead singer from Mungo Jerry pops into view?

Any ideas?

Worried Les

Oily Replies

When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and, you know, let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.

I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.

I suggest you shave the offending pubes into the shape of something important and meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.

The following are some suggestions of the sort of shapes and images that most speak to the sweet little things;

A flower

A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string

A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.

An ironing board.

The girl in that tennis poster scratching her arse.

Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is an unbelievably romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.

If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.

Read Full Post »