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Posts Tagged ‘Beauty’

new oily

Hello Oily

Pubic hair topiary is all the rage this year in North Devon. What is your view on “The Brazilian”? Sambatastic or are you a bush guy.

Aged Elsie, Bideford

Oily Replies;

Elsie,

I spent a summer on Copacabana a few years ago and filmed the real Brazil in my documentary ‘City of Thongs’. (Did you know that Queen Victoria wore an early prototype, a kind of hair shirt for the arse – which historians claim explains her permanent miserable gurn).

Armed with such fascinating historical facts I wandered the beach interviewing, oiled up thong clad  ass shaking women. The results were…..well, exhausting.

The question I ask society at large in this wonderful piece of “Deep Throat” journalism is a simple one: is the thong all it’s cracked up to be?

Oh and by the way Elsie, I found your false teeth. Not sure how they got clamped there without me noticing overnight. Let’s stay off the rum in future!

Oily

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Bluebell frillary

Shoots of Barley on the hillcrest field

Wet dripping barbed wire

Silver slivers of cold Spring light

Through a disorder of branches

A palette  of greens

Smatterings of shade

Brown muddy boots

And from everywhere

Birdsong

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new oily

Hello Oily

With the Soccerball World Cup  being played out in Brazil next summer, what are your views on the Brazilian? Sambatastic or are you a bush guy.

Aged Elsie, St Austell

Oily Replies;

Hey Elsie baby.

First off may I just say that I don’t think you are aged at all, not if last night is anything to go by.

I spent a long hot summer on the Copacabana a few years ago. Did you ever see the movie ‘City of God’? Didn’t like it, totally unrealistic. I filmed the real Brazil in my documentary ‘City of Thongs’. A history of the garment, where it originated.

For instance did you know that Queen Victoria wore an early protoype, a kind of hairshirt for the arse – which historians claim explains her permanent miserable gurn.

Armed with such fascinating historical facts I wandered the beaches interviewing beautiful, oiled up thong clad  ass shaking women. The results were…..well, exhausting.

The question I ask society at large in this wonderful piece of Pilgeresque journalism: is the thong all it’s cracked up to be?

Oh and by the way Elsie, I found your false teeth. Not sure how they got clamped there without me noticing overnight. Sure no harm done but lets stay off the rum in future!

Oily

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Hi Oily,

Like you I love a good tan. If I don’t have a 3 hour tanning session every day, well life isn’t worth living. But I want to go deeper than that. Yep! that’s right I want to tan my organs as well. I was thinking of beginning with my liver and then working steadily upwards until all me innards are golden brown.

Any tips?

Larry, Japan

Oily Replies;

Hi Lal,

Get all parts golden brown, texture like sun. Actually this gives me a chance to advertise my friend Harry the Heel’s exciting new business venture. He is a top chef – well – failed and frequently sacked porter if you want to split hairs – at one of Gordon Ramsay’s establishments in that London. Or as Ramsay himself likes to call it ‘my f***ing **** eaterie you ar****ole f***ing tw*t’.

The business is an organ tanning service. For example you send your liver to Harry at the restaurant – £450 plus p&p and he will ensure the liver is tanned as per your instructions.

Do label clearly though.

You know how it is with busy kitchens. In the rush you don’t want your liver to get mixed up with the actual food orders. That is unfortunately what happened with my dear and now frequently dead friend Michael Winner. You will note that in his later years he did look peaky. However I will say no more for fear of prejudicing the court case.

So Larry give it a go. I can personally recommend it. I am sending you some before and after pics of my spleen, kidney and bladder. That should seal the deal!

Oily

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Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Kelly Osborne – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various

Hitler – Testicle

Greyfriars Bobbie – An Owner

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:

“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been

Doncha know wor I mean

Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen

But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”

So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Oily

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Oily,

I am afraid of the dark. As a vampire this causes some issues for me regarding work-life balance. Any ideas? Shit,I’ve lost my torch

Vlad, Bucharest

Oily Replies;

Vlad, I once shot a camp vamp romp in Voslovovitrichbitchstitchvitch. Early 90’s. Wonderful part of the world. The rolling mountains like a fair maidens heaving bosoms. Except with goats on them.

The women were very hairy and manly. May well have been a man now I think about it. The alleyway was dark, the local brew strong. As she tenderly growled she  picked me up and threw me over her shoulder assuring me that Igor was a girl’s name in that part of the world. And who was I to argue. Especially with two broken ribs

Happy Fangsgiving

Oily

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The Saucerer’s Apprentice

Hello Oily;

I am part human, part cup and saucer. Can you see a career for me in the adult film business?

Slurpy Sid, Ballymena

Oily Replies;

Slurpy,

People with mirthsome sexual organs such as yours are much sought after in the esoteric market I cater for. Currently I need a collander, cheesegrater or something similar for a political espionage thriller horror britpop comedy of errors sci fi historical docu romcom I’m scripting. Something/one with at least two holes and a willingness to explore the more elastic side of their personality.

If you are self lubricating that is great but not essential as I’m balls deep in the damn stuff

Oh,  a high pain threshold would be useful too.

Utensilly Yours

Oily 

Enjoyed Oily’s latest advice? Read more here and here!

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