Posts Tagged ‘Erotica’


The drama teacher says my acting career will never amount to more than a hill o’ beans. Despite not knowing what that means, I’m assuming it ain’t positive as she always gets the class to laugh at me whilst I’m taking my turn on stage.

I have done all the classes and got top marks like, but my protruding tooth, flaming ginger hair and the mole sitting on the end of my nose are a hindrance. Any tips?

Bob, Holness-on-Sea

Oily Replies

Hi Bob,

A sad story, but there is inspiration out there. My fellow BAFTA award winning actor Ron Jeremy is no oil painting as you seen from his role in genteel Sunday night period drama, Go Down on Abbey.

With his pot belly, webbed toes and dubious taste in sandals, Ron is no Ryan Gosling, yet pneumatic, breathy, stiletto wearing, badly dubbed girls the world over have loved him dearly. Frequently. All at once.

So there is hope!


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Hello Oily,

Can you help? Recently I found to my horror that I am 75 per cent lettuce. My man says these must be my salad days but I am not so sure as I would have thought being made of cucumber would be more appropriate. Any tips?
Marianna, Kos
Oily Replies;
Well firstly I have a surfeit of oil and salad dressing which with a quick vinegar stroke will flow nicely, so fun times are just waiting for us.. Talking of tips,  baby if the attached pic is a self portrait then yes, I have one hell of tip for you RIGHT NOW.
Can’t concentrate, can’t walk properly, I need rid of it quick. So throw on the onesie and getsie here quick. I got mine on already. Bring that cucumber. And some chillies. Spice it up girl.

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Hello Oily

My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.

Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls and shirts. Apart from singeing, wincing and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider? I must say a creased sac is a turn on!

Debbie, Nazeing 
Oily Replies;
Any health issues? Woman are you insane?
Those once crunchy nuts will be flat as a pancake. Is that what you want….cos that’s what will ‘appen! He should do what I do, hang them out on the clothes line to dry naturally.
Admittedly the weather where I am in Sham City is much more conducive to open air drying. Plus people here are used to seeing others “bits” hanging out left, right and centre although admittedly they don’t usually look as battered bruised swollen and misshapen as mine.
The current tender state of said bits is due to a recent Neighbourhood Watch meeting I attended. I appear to have got the wrong end of somebody’s stick. I was told in no uncertain terms that you cannot pick and choose the neighbour you wish to watch. Voyeurism is not on the menu. In that case count me out.


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Hello Oily

Any advice on how to cure an aching jaw? I think I have been spoiling my girl a bit too much over the Christmas holidays. Help!!

Otis Elevator, LA

Oily Replies;

Otis my man, long time no speak.

As you are in the same lather and spank market as I – you will understand lockjaw is a common occurrence especially after the 16th retake.

As I know from personal experience, the tongue and lower jaw  can only withstand a certain amount of repetitive strain before seizing up. It needs to be kept supple and oiled. Of course I produce my own queasily unnatural unctions so it is never a problem.

I will send you a quart of my Healing Oil and you will be able to lick ‘n flick to your heart’s content.

In return perhaps you could send me that DVD of your girl and her netball teams Xmas party? You know, the one with the ping pong balls?

Yours expectorantly,

The Oilster

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Hello Oily

I am unsure about what underwear I should wear on my first date with the girl of my dreams. I have hankered after her for years!

I am thinking of taking her to the local abattoir for a night out as I am fond of a spot of butchery. Then grab some sausage and chips from the Burger Van on the A38 just outside Padstow before back to my place for some slap and tickle. My brother has leant me his old bottle of Denim aftershave as he reckons women found this irresistible. I’m not sure as it sets my sinuses off something terrible

So Oily, Y-Front, Slip, Boxer or Thong?

Butcher Bill, Padstow

Oily Replies;

Hey Butch it has to be the Thong. Always.

Sing a Thong for Europe I say. It is important for a person to be comfortable in his own skin. Or someone elses skin if you are from the Dennis Nielsen or Jeffrey Dahmer School of Love.

So the more flesh exposed the better. Whether it be pock marked, skid marked, Marky marked or whatever, just be proud of your flab. She will love you for it all the more.

Ride Up!


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A train journeys towards The West. There is stillness save for the urgent rhythms of the traction engine scraping over the rails.

“Everything OK with the Boom Elsie?”

“Fine thanks Trish, Camera OK?”

“Yes. Ready to roll.” The two elderly friends smiled at each other. So far so good. The childhood ambition to make a film had lain within them for seventy years. Now it was finally coming to fruition.

Trish shouts, “ACTION!”

The camera pans towards the carriage door. It opens. The Guard walks in. He is handsome, tall and muscular, a bubble perm sprouts from under his cap. The camera tracks him walking down the aisle.

The carriage is empty save for an attractive young women and a middle aged man sitting several rows in front of her. He is reading a newspaper. The Guard approaches the young woman who is idly twirling a strand of hair as she watches the Devon countryside rush by.

Elsie, ignoring her aching hip, kneels on the seat in front of the young woman, ready to film the encounter.

“Tickets please.”

“I’m afraid I don’t have a ticket,” the young woman replies, “I don’t have any cash. I lost my credit cards as I ran for the train. I need to be in Totnes to let Pete the Plumber in. I’ve got a blocked passage. Is there any other way I can pay?” She smiles coquettishly at him.

“You are a naughty girl,” the Guard replies, “I’ve got something to punch your ticket!” He  unzips his trousers and reveals an enormous tumescent love sausage.

“I bet that has been in a few tunnels,” the women says lasciviously as she eyes his enormous rolling stock,. “Where does this feature in Conditions of Carriage?”

“Well, we will have to have a good shunt to find out won’t we!” grunts the Guard with a leer on his pockmarked face.

The middle aged man spies the randy goings on. He shifts in his seat and struggles to concentrate on his paper.

The young woman leans over and begins rubbing the Guard’s throbbing set of points,

“Ooooh yeah, you know how to handle a Tinkler……”


Elsie pops her head above the seat. “Natalie love, can you give it a bit more oomph please. Good strong grip and give it some welly!”

“Yes Mrs Raymond, but there’s a draft from somewhere. I have a crick in my neck. Can I put my scarf on?”

“Go on then.”

Trish turns to the Guard, “Terry, now you are a big lad, you definitely didn’t get that from our side of the family. Be proud of it! Don’t call it Tinkler either! How about Mighty Love Muscle or Stallion of Prolonged Ecstasy?”

“OK Aunt Trish. I tend to get a bit light headed when………you know.”

“Concentrate on something else then, there’s a good lad. Right,positions everyone! Let’s get going, I need to get this camera back for the Christening.”

The couple re-established their positions. Natalie holds his Stallion of Prolonged Ecstasy in her hands.


“You can ride me all the way to Totnes if you like. I ain’t no cheap day return an’ all?”

Terry smiles, “I’ll make sure you get a super saver on the way ‘ome me deario.”

The carriage door slides open once more.

“Hot and Cold Drinks, sandwiches, snacks and an assortment of – Sweet Jesus!” The trolley attendant wasn’t expecting enthusiastic fellatio in seats 23 and 24. The Guard swings around, his enormous signal box on display.

“Jeez you could take somebody’s eye out with that! Cherry Bakewells anyone?”


Elsie’s head popped up again. “Excuse me we’re trying to make an adult themed  piece of erotica here, would you mind?”

“That’s right,” concurred Trish who swung the boom into Terry’s love weapon. He exhales and swears under his breath. His cap is dislodged to reveal the full glory of his perm.

“Terry, what have I told you about swearing in public! It lowers the tone,” snapped Trish.

“Sorry Auntie.”

The attendant shuffles on a few feet before stopping to watching the action gather momentum. “Have you thought about Doggy Style with her eating a Cherry Bakewell?” she said.

“There’s a thought,” Elsie said to herself.

The middle aged man piped up, “I’d like a Cherry Bakewell and a coffee please.”


The filming of “Briefs Encounters” continues.

Feel free to use your own imaginations to continue the plot line.

Personally I’m outraged. A letter of complaint is winging its way to First Great Western!

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Life’s A Gas!

(You can read an earlier Oily George Advice Column here!)

Hello Oily,

Did you leave the gas on when you went out?

Miranda, Belfast

Oily Replies;

Oh Miranda you naughty poppet I thought you would never leave this morning. Did you take the calipers and the bullwhip with you? I couldn’t find them anywhere and you know how I like to update my inventory after one of my relaxation sessions.

You know I don’t have gas appliances in my abode.  No need, It is not just oil that I have a natural supply of. Those nightly chinese dinners plus my love of sprouts for breakfast – remember dear readers, sprouts are not just for christmas – leaves me permanently fuelled up.

Thanks for the concern Miranda. See you Friday yes? My turn this time. I’ve recalibrated the wall cuffs, you bring the gel!

El Oilio

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Britain’s leading Director of Erotica, Oily George takes time out of his hectic schedule to give tips on grooming and style!

Word Up!

Hello Oily,

Please help – I just can’t satisfy my woman’s lust for dirty scrabble.

She is insatiable in putting rude words on the board, even in the company of my church going parents. She started with “bottom, nipple and charlie” but has now dangerously progressed to “willy, knob and knockers”. Where will it end?

Ma and Pa’s local church is having a charity scrabble evening next week and I am worried that the filth will only get worse.

How do I avoid a double word score blowout?

Sidney, Pamplona

Oily Replies;

Sid I wouldn’t worry too much about shocking the local vicar. I have an upstanding member, errm… sorry got distracted by my next door neighbour’s activities (note to self, get the binoculars cleaned).

Anyway, yes I AM an upstanding member of the community, an erect pillar if you will. Because of my involvement with the local Beverley Hills Scientology Church I know what goes on behind closed doors in ‘respectable’ society. You would be shocked if you knew the truth. Lets just say  a lot of “Hubbard in the Cupboard” goes on.

Yo feel me?

Ever tried strip sniff spank scrabble? Now there is a game!


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Tending My Frock

Dear Oily,

I am a Catlick priest here in Conemememarrarara. However I am having a severe crisis of conscience. Namely, can a real man ever look good in one of those big dressy frock thingys we have to wear? 

Fr Eugene, Knock 


Oily Replies;

Hi Eugene,

You know wearing a dress can be very liberating. However it is very important that in doing so you remember 3 things.

Firstly, apply the correct eyeliner (demon black).

Secondly, ensure your buttocks are shaved at all times.

Thirdly always go Commando.

This will give you the confidence to give good sermon of a Sunday.

It helps your freedom of expression. I hope this has helped. Now go get ’em rolling in the pews.

Yours reverendly.

Brother Oily (I’m C of E by the way)



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Hello Reader!

After a summer break in Calipornia, Gfb’s Beauty Therapist and Advisor, Oily George is back to provide you with advice on issues of personal hygiene, appearance, making dirty films and romance. His Oil Highness is here to help.

Summer Bonkbuster!

Dear Oily,

I have long admired your erotic masterpieces and  am considering making a big budget version of your 80’s classic “Tug My Love Muscle II” – That funny looking lad who plays vampires a lot and that skinny girl from Harry Potter’s Thingymajig are both up for the lead roles. She is in the gym undergoing a wrist strengthening programme.

I just wanted to know what Best Boy you used in the film and what was your Key Grip?

Marty says hi too!

Steven Spielberg, Hull

Oily Replies;

Stevey Baby!

Did the ointment work?

Key Grip is easy – always use the overarm under shuffle five knuckle twister. But never, I repeat never, use the ballsack as a prop.

Remember when Bobby did that in Mean Streets?  I haven’t laughed so much since Marlon got his nuts caught in the mangle. OUCH!

Best Boy? Being an equal opportunities employer,  I always employ two girls to be my Best Boy. Twins. Swedish. Blonde. 18. I’ll pass on their number. It works for me.


It’s an age thing.

Much love to Marty.

Tell him I have the photos under lock and key, nothing for him to worry about.


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