Bull Pull – The Craze That Is Sweeping The World!

Hello,

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.” Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Here are some new sports to look out for in 2015!

1. Rolf – Use clubs to smack a hefty, big boned Viking around a muddy field for a bit (Imagine Game of Thrones meets Crazy Golf.)

2. Incessance – A woman in her 60’s sits next to you on a bus and talks utter shite until your ears bleed and your stools turn black with impotent rage.  A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and constipation in equal measure.

3. Nonogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy sack elderly gentlemen possess.

4. Bacon Pocket – Throw a slice of bacon into a team mate’s pocket from 100 feet. The Javelin meets Lacrosse using cured meats. The Spanish variant is known as Chip my Chorizo (“Chippo meo Chorizo” in the native tongue.)

5. Udder Pool – Arrange your prize milker over the green baize and use the powerful milk stream to pot the balls! Also known as Bull Pull but this version is for the strong of wrist and fleet of foot!!

Come On Kate!

 

Read Full Post »

Cameron’s Final Gamble! “Gingers Must Wear Burkhas!”

 British PM  David Cameron has played a dastardly final card in his bid to cling to power.

BANNING GINGERS FROM PUBLIC VIEW!

As he trails pointless oaf Ed Miliband in the polls, the posh boy “Who cares deeply” has decided to make Gingers a key plank of his 2015 election campaign.

In his speech today to the Idiocracy that is the Conservative Party, Cameron will say, “Look here Chaps, we’ve fucked over the poor, propped up the Bankers, divided old from young, gay from straight, black from white and STILL people don’t like us! Even giving pooftahs the right to marry hasn’t helped.  I can only reach one conclusion. Gingers are to blame!”

To gasps from his dribbling, incontinent audience he blurted, “Banning Gingers from public life and stopping them using the internet to spread their gingery thingymajigs is all that is left to me. Polish my brogues please Fotheringham. Where is my fag?”

Last year, Gfb’s correspondent Gail Force-Winds revealed Tory plans to impose Burkhas on Gingers were shelved due to the fact that it was stupid. However, with the lads firing up in Iraq again and a need to appear to have some semblance of control domestically and internationally, the Ginger Question has been brought back.

Cameron’s comments put him at odds with President Barack Obama who, in a speech in Grimsby this month said, ‘We. Are not.  Going. To tell. People what colour. Their hair. Should. Be.’

He Is A Red!

Ed Miliband’s reply was, “I have forgotten what I was going to say. Blah blah blah.”

 

 

Read Full Post »

Miliband Describes Talks With Obama As “Constructive”

Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband has told Gingerfightback’s Political Editor Marsupial Fanning that his recent meeting with President Obama was  both “Constructive and nutritious.”

The buck toothed laddio went onto say, “The President and I share views on Syria,  ISIS, Russia, Gaza, and the right amount of melted cheese in a burger. He now knows that  fries are called chips in England. I must say his chewing was impeccable. It has come on leaps and bounds.”

When asked for his views on the meeting the President replied, “Who? Never met the fella.”

Ed has been likened to Wallace from Wallace and Gromit – well, he is a bit stop go after all.

 

 

Read Full Post »

Pity England – Crap At Everything – Time For Some New Sports!

Hello,

• Out of the World Cup
• Walloped in the Cricket
• Allowed predatory paedophile TV Stars to sustain child abuse in plain view
• An incompetent Prime Minister stiffed by the Europeans
• An Establishment clique exposed in the Courts as contemptuous of The People
• A nation governed for the benefit of Bankers.

Even the Scottish may show them the finger!

Pity England…..

England gifted the world – Football, Rugby, Tennis, giggling, The Rule of Law, the tank top, Pleurisy, pleated skirts, sandwiches, Parliamentary Democracy, trapped wind, the concentration camp and poorly drawn international boundaries. Oh and Margaret Thatcher.

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.”

The nation is down in the dumps. What is the answer?

New games gifted to grateful foreigners – but fear not in another 100 or so years England will be crap at these too!

Hooray! Hooray!

SOME GAMES THE ENGLISH CAN GIVE TO THE WORLD! GRATIS! FREE!

1. Formation Immolation – Team arson has never been so much fun!

2. Pillow Dribble Staining – Dribbling and sleeping – the perfect combo! 

3. Donkey Dangle – hang limply from a donkey without food, water or “natural break”. A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and chafing in equal measure.

4. Pluckery –  Competitors are blindfolded, nailed to a wheel and spun for 24 hours – they are then asked to come up with a cogent argument for the continued existence of Piers Morgan.

This is Level 1 of Pluckery – “The cruel and unusual test of pointless endurance”.

5. Gibber – A sport with a training regime like no other. Drinking, smoking, tottering, poor bladder control, teeth staining, sitting in pubs talking cobblers and eating greasy food of dubious quality on the way home, whilst talking more nonsense.

Every day. For decades.

“I think therefore I gibber.” D’escartes.

6. Octogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy tessies elderly gentlemen possess.

7. Bouncing Bards – Poets hop around a running track and recite poems written by local halfwits.

8. Sado-Masochist Balls –  Teams of S & M types –  line em up against a wall and rub them feverishly with sandpaper – ALL OVER.

9. Sausage Pocket – Throw a sausage – from distance – into a team mate’s pocket – The Javelin meets Lacrosse using a savoury meaty snack.

10. Nervous Team Titter – The game for those who react to pressure by giggling – a team of titterers seek to score “giggle goals” in a variety of embarrassing situations.     

Come On Kate – Get Pregnant!

Sweet Jesus

 

Read Full Post »

Government Reacts To Miliband’s Shock Decision To Serve The People

                                                                                    Duncan-Spliff ‘avin it laaarge…..

Gfb has received a copy of a letter outlining how the Coalition will counter the surprise decision this week of Labour Leader Ed Miliband to address issues that affect people’s lives.

The Governments Plan? Screw the poor a bit more!

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Duncan-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.

It reveals plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff,  “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are still a drain on our resources. That arsehole Osborne has nicked me bong.”

 

The letter continues;

“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’ are all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest we will still be onto something! Rupe Murdoch  is back on board as he wants to completely fuck Miliband over now that this Commie thinks that Government is meant to work for the people and not against them. What a nerve!”

The letter also outlines the success of the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” campaign in terms of cornering the elderly bigot vote in the Home Counties to see off the challenge of the elderly bigots in UKIP.

Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Unemployed Jobseekers will dig the tunnels on HS2 to bring down project costs. If they refuse they will be set on fire. By Simon Cowell. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” Duncan-Spliff wrote.

•Disabled people’s physical and medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.

“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions and hopefully the old bastards will freeze to death beforehand – win win!” he states.

                                                                               “I simply say…….”

Read Full Post »