Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Dear Aunty,
My wife recently admitted to me that she has developed feelings for the jar of pickled onions in our cupboard. I am gutted and her wind is chronic. What can I do to win her back from this preserved lover?

Tim, Windhoek

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tim

Many Women have at one time in their life experienced similar feelings. You see, she see’s the onions as little eggs that she can nurture and one day turn from little silverskins to those biggun’s that Haywards knock out a Christmas time.

It’s a bit like man’s obsession with fire (well, most of the men in here anyway, all of whom seem to be on an arson rap).

I suggest you try to wean her off her obsession by pointing out the joy found in Beetroot, Eggs and other pickled condiments and that whilst you understand her feelings (who wouldn’t?) why stick to one type of pickled condiment when there are so many others to choose from?

Fear not as this obsession will fade, as gradually everybody you know will avoid you both like the plague due to the chronic wind she will be  producing. Encourage different types of pickles as the more she eats, the more gas will be produced therefore alienating her further from those (few) friends that can still bear to stand within six feet of her without wearing a charcoal mask and an asbestos suit.

I don’t know if you smoke, possess a good head of hair or a moustache but I would suggest abstaining for the duration of this controlled experiment.

Aunty Bill