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Dear Aunty,

My aunty is coming for tea on Sunday. She is a very fussy eater relying on gravel and brick dust for sustenance. I do recall she nibbled on a
manhole cover at my mum’s one Xmas many years ago. Have you any recipes?

Denzil, Brixton

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Denzil,

With the world’s food supply very much on the agenda these days, it would make sense to look to alternative sources of sustenance. Insects are being touted as one solution but building materials are overlooked in the rush to feed the world’s poor.

Plentiful and ever available, soil is the base for a host of nourishing and tasty dishes.

When added to sharp sand in a ratio of two to one and bulked out with shavings of plaster board, a filling and satisfying dish is the result. Add the zest of a lemon or a few chillies for extra bite. A word of warning though! Make sure her Tetanus is up to date as eating soil based dishes can cause “complications” in the elderly.

Another favourite is carpet tiles with a mastic topping.

Simply select a few carpet tiles (blue alwayspopular) spread evenly with mastic and grill under a low heat until the mastic begins to bubble and gives off a noxious vapour.

Sprinkle liberally with sand and serve hot.

A side dish of crushed ceramic tiles in a methylated spirit dip complements this dish a treat.

I’m sending you a B&Q catalogue where you’ll find a host of products that can be sourced easily and cheaply to add that special twist to meal times.  Soil – the gift that keeps giving.

Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill’s advice on pressing matters of the heart can be read here and here!

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