Well folks, Aunty Bill’s has asked me to tell you how touched he/she is by all the correspondence received and is happy to offer advice in anyway he/she can if your love life goes a bit boss eyed.
He/she is currently protesting his/her innocence over the theft of a large tin of winter vegetable soup from the prison kitchens.
Shelf Stacker Attacker
Please Help Aunty Bill
I have a problem with girls. I am in my 20’s have a steady job at Morrison’s and according to my mum I am better looking than Brad Pitt. My mum is great, she still cuts my soldiers up when I have a boiled egg for tea and I heard her tell her mate Shirley that next to cider I am the most important thing in her life.
But my problem is this. Every time I meet a girl I fancy the first thing I say to her is “NICE COCK” very loudly. They then run a mile and even my Morrison’s staff discount card won’t win them back. What can I do?
Declan, Stafford
Aunty Bill Replies;
Declan,
Mums are great aren’t they? They shield you from the sad facts of life as long as they can and only when it’s too late do you realise what an utter loser you really are.
At your age you really should be able meet members (no pun intended) of the opposite sex without shouting imbecilic appendage laden abuse at them. It sounds like you may have the onset of Tourette’s and I strongly advise you to get this checked out.
Quite honestly you sicken me and even thought I’ve never met you, why an earth you ever expect to meet a young lady the way you carry on is beyond me.
Your mother’s addiction to cider obviously helps her deal with the fact that she has raised a socially awkward misfit. We have a word for people like you on our wing but as this is a socially responsible family orientated web site I’m not going to mention it.
I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but it’s time you were told a few home truths and I do it because I care.
PS What discount do you receive on your staff discount card and can you use this in conjunction with the Morrison’s “Price Crunch”?
Best Wishes
Aunty Bill
A Teste Jilting
Aunty Bill
I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good Bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”
How can I win her back?
Les, Norwich
Aunty Bill Replies;
Les,
Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back.
Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment, runs until the end of March, not available with any other offer).
You may want to stamp your own individuality on them by customising them, for example by writing Right and Left on the each one (make sure you don’t get them confused,, it’s easily done).
How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you, you little charmer!
There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.
Good luck!
Aunty Bill
Ham Fisted
Aunty Bill
Is it wrong for a man to develop a deep affection for ham?
Nathan, Melbourne
Aunty Bill Replies;
Nathan,
Not at all! Many have written to me expressing their desire for pre-packaged cold meats.
You don’t state whether your passion is for crumbed, breaded or good old plain Wiltshire but either way a relationship with this tasty cooked treat can be a rewarding experience.
Over the months and years you may find a deeper understanding of why men in particular, have found this inanimate food stuff such a satisfying experience when it comes to affairs of the heart.
Keep refrigerated and try to avoid leaving in bright sunlight or storing near lemons or tomato puree as these can affect both the colour and temperament of your ham. Follow these instructions and you should have many happy years together and probably a few exciting adventures too!
Ham – the gift that keeps on giving
Aunty Bill
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