Posts Tagged ‘The Universe’

Hello Folks,

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

I popped round to my Mum’s this morning to put some new shelves up for her. I’ve got a drill. Don’t use a spirit level though. Don’t trust bubbles. Sinister things

Sunday’s cabbage worked its magic and I needed the facilities and read about the anniversary of the moon landings.

I remember that July day in ’69. Dad had got me up at 4 in the morning to watch him walk on the moon. Armstrong that is. Not Dad. He was in his pants and vest on the settee next to me watching the telly.

Dead impressed I was. I stuck the goldfish bowl over me head pretending to be Armstrong. There were half a dozen lads in Gravesend A and E all wearing goldfish bowls that morning. A lot of goldfish must have come to a sticky end that day.

When the bowl was off, I got a slap round the head from the Nurses, Doctors and Dad. And a passing Policeman for good measure. Kids have it easy these days. A good beating did me the world of good.

Here’s to Buzz Aldrin I thought as I reached for the toilet roll. He reached for the Stars.

C’est la vie.

All the best,


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I went to sleep in the stranger’s bed
And woke needing to pee.
Not knowing where the light was
Nor wanting to wake her.
Wanting to wake her…but.

Through the curtains
Could see the stars
Sow stars
Sow that light across this universe
This brief moment of time
Across the darkness
Light my way
Be my light
Don’t let me stumble.

But she wakes
And as she watches my return
Know now
This means more to me
Than the light
Of our one lonely star.

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Here’s to a brainy New Year!


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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Ground Control To Major Wobbly…..

Aunty Bill

Please help! I am made largely of Jelly and want to become an Astronaut. I wrote to Neil Armstrong and he wrote back saying he thought it would be a good idea.

NASA don’t agree on the grounds that Jelly people are a trifle sensitive to gravity and that I may do myself a wibbly wobbly mischief.

So,  my mate Bob has tied several million rubber bands together will strap me to his water butt and launch me into space from the toilet window on Tuesday, after Dial M for Murder.

Bob has welded several metal dustbin lids to the base of the water butt (leaving the top open so I can breathe and pop my head out every now and then to take in the view).

Do you think I need to take a coat with me?

Gel, Swindon

Aunty Bill Replies;


Being made of Jelly is one the finest attributes you can possess if you want to join the 500 mile high club.

Rumour has it that Yuri Gagarin was pumped full of jelly prior to launch to help him cope with the fact he was scared of heights and didn’t much fancy looking out of the window.

All Soyuz space craft thereafter were fitted without windows but did have a small fridge fitted to keep ice cream in. The astronaut produced his own jelly as and when needed.

Bearing in mind you’ll be travelling at 17,000 miles an hour, you will find jelly remarkably resistant to the rigours of space flight although it is a good idea to wear some kind of protective suit for re-entry as it can get rather hot and you don’t want to melt.

Remember to keep the Earth in view at all times and use it as your reference point as you don’t want to get confused with all the other planets up there.  From a distance they all look a little bit like Earth (apart from the one with rings round it and the red one ).

If you see Richard Branson up there tell him Aunty Bill says thanks for the Christmas card and the extra air miles.

Good luck! (sounds like your gonna need it pal).

Aunty Bill

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