Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Daily’

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2013 – Pope Benedict will step down from the papacy to be replaced by the first African Pope.

2. May 24 2013 –  Smoking sand will be  made compulsory in the UK.

3. December 25 2014 – An animated remake of the Godfather about a bricklaying fish will smash box office records. The Hodcodfather is coming to a cinema near you soonish!

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Steve, Leicester;

Try the knife drawer – from Cousin Bet.

Eleanor, Moscow;

Look under the wobbly step – from Aunt Slobodan

Liang Bo in Shanghai

All men are shits! – Your mother!

Luigi, Verona

Find the man with the name Alfonso on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in bottles mostly although some customers prefer plastic containers. This I find odd.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 2013 – The sleek will inherit the earth.

2. March 18 2112 –  An escapologist Sea Bass will emerge victorious in Britain’s Got Talent

3. December 25 2014 – Tom Cruise will elope with the love of his life, the escapologist Sea Bass and create a new religion, Escapology.

Cruise_sausage

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Manny, Boston;

In the back pocket of your favourite trousers is the answer to the question you are asking.

Aubrey, Carshalton;

Gut the cat to find out!

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Not there, THERE!

Antoinette, Enschede

Find the man with the name Alfonse on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

 

Oily

Looking at your photo it is obvious that you work out – what exercise regime to you adhere to? Also what diet if you follow? To stay so trim must take a lot of work!

Fawning Dawn, Moscow

Oily Replies;

Dawny!

Well looking at the picture of you – impossible angle surely – it reminds me of the time I awoke at the crack of Dawn. You don’t appear to have changed much. As this is a family website, best continue this conversation offline.

Bring the party pack.

Oily

PS thanks for the panties. Missing a crotch though. But nice and airy.

 

Read Full Post »

Hello Folks,

Bob Lewington here again.

I was round my son’s Bob, or Young Bob as he is known in the family. Sometimes I am known as Old Bob, Dad Bob, Papa Bob or my own favourite, Head of the Household and Main Provider Bob.

Nature decided to take its course.  Young Bob’s girlfriend Lily had a copy of Hello! magazine to hand so I had a quick shufty whilst performing my evacuation.

Olympic Hero Bradley Wiggins was shown retieing the laces of his shoes which had come undone in the street! He’s a double knot man by the look of it.

There was also photo of Kate Winslet buying some plums (they looked a bit bruised to me) David Beckham examining his tattoos and Lady Gaga eating a cheese and pickle sandwich.

Absolutely fascinating.

I’m going to get Young Bob to take a grainy photo of me examining an over ripe strawberry and send it to Hello!  It looks like they print any old rubbish.

Might make Young Bob and me a few bob so to speak.

Best wishes,

Bob

Read Full Post »

Hello!

To celebrate the start of the Football season and a spot of laziness on our parts, here is another old post about Football – how the Dutch became a world “shocker” power!

Hope you enjoy it!

Super Orange – Why The Dutch Became So Good At Football

He was a no nonsense left back in his day

When Dutch Football burst onto the world stage in the 1970’s, their style of play, known as Total Football stirred primal feelings in fans around the globe. As Oscar Wilde said after seeing the Dutch team demolish Belgium in a friendly encounter in Brussels in 1973, “Truly, I declare Cruyff’s genius to be worthy of my own. What do you think Dorian?”

That team’s style, grace and flair has embedded itself in the game’s folk history. So, when the Dutch played in the 2010 World Cup Final, hopes were high that Holland could take on and lick the tricky dwarves from Spain. At last we hoped, the progenitors of Total Football would get their true rewards. Yet the savagery of the Dutch performance left many a dream shattered.

But Gingerfightback remains intrigued about the rise of Dutch football from a footballing backwater to a world “Shocker” power. It is for this reason and this reason alone, that we ventured to a bong shop in Amsterdam. And in this bong shop, where one can have a bang on a right few good numbers, although we did not, a strange truth prostrated itself before us.

“Yesh, it wash a disshapointing way to play der final, over physhical and very l’il fudball,” said Wim Van Anagram, legendary member of the great 1970’s Dutch teams. Van Anagram, now a heavily built man in his sixties, flattened down his comb over before continuing, “It wash not like dat in my day. Pash and move. Alwaysh the moving and alwaysh der pashing. Datsch the way we played and datsch the way we show nearly brought da Wurld Cup back home.” He looked wistfully out of his window at the bustling city beneath him, buffing his latest hand crafted bong.

Van Anagram Scoring in the 1974 World Cup

“Wanna bang on thish l’il number?”

I declined. He placed the now shimmering almost translucent bong in a box, then stowed it on a shelf alongside several others. Each bong had its own name. They appeared to offer very good value for money.

Van Anagram settled into his chair and continued, “Y’know why we wash show shuccesshful?” Why for ten yearsh or show, der Dutcsh football wash the besht? Shorter shurnames.”

He smiled. It was as if he was playing a joke with me in some subtle Flemish tone “Crjiff, Krol, Rep, Haan, Neeskens, Gullit, Van Basten – truly great playersh all with der namesh dat are eashy to pronounsch. It’s eashy to forget dat before the nineteen sheventiesh the Dutcsch teams were no good. Y’know why?”

I shook my head. Again Van Anagram smiled. He leaned forward and touched my corduroys, plucking at the seams around my right knee. He then straightened, placed his hands together and very slowly began to pull them apart until his arms were fully extended. “Namesh dish long! whad da fuck?”

“Exshample. Our Naschional goalkeeper for 1954 wash a guy called Theo Van Windmillstulipshfromamshterdambingbangabongeurovishonshongcontesht. He wash a great ‘keeper but when a crosh was put into der box by the time he had shouted out his name to hish defendersh the poor feller wash out of de breath and couldn’t jump hup for da ball!”

Theo Van Windmillstulipshfromamshterdambingbangabongeurovshonshongcontesht in action in 1956. The Flying Dutchman!

“We had a right back called Johnny Rijkmusheumfreetoallentrantshonthurshdaysh, great at going forward but by the time der coach had shouted instructionsh to him it was eider half time or game up. Shimilalrly der playmaker at der time wash a player called Albert Polderzuiderzeeboywidafingerindadykeshpeedshkaterliberalattitudeshtocannabish.

Van Anagram’s features, grated by years of bong polishing wore a confused expression.  The man was a vital cog, dare we say clog, in the Total Football machine built at the time.

The 1967 Dutch Cup Final was played between Ajax and Twente Enschede. The match programme, of which there are still plenty available, needed three pages to name the Ajax squad (including the legendary Left Back, Rene Vandergraffspeeyelevelsheventieshdutschdetectivesherieshshtarringbarryfoshter).The game had entered the second half before all the players names had been announced over the tannoy.

Van Anagram preparing a cheese toasted snack continued, “Now you shee der problem yeah? Who can shay – Oi -Vandergraffspeeeyelevelsheventieshdutschdetectivesheerieshshtarringbarryfoshter, over here on me head shun! – without being exhaushted by der procesh?”

I nodded. Now I understood.  Technically gifted players, strong thighs, but using so much saliva during the game merely to communicate, that they were totally dehydrated after twenty or so minutes.  Making defeat probable.

Van Anagram checked on the cheese on toast, now bubbling appealingly under the eye level grill.

“That wash Michaelsh geniush. Shorter namesh would improve the reshultsh and allow der Dutcsch team to flourish on der wurld shtage –  Do you want any shauce for your toashtie?”

I shook my head. Van Anagram took a large bite from his snack. I asked him what he was thinking about.

“Jusht memoriesh of the pasht, here have anoder shlice. Good ya? Wanna buy a bong?”

Read Full Post »

Earl Wiggins Of Lambretta

The Olympics are over.

Ginger Sooty is in the wash along with me smalls and as it is good drying weather today, I will hang him out in the garden rather than on the clothes horse in the loft of Fightback Towers.

He will be back, fluffed and buffed for his next Reportage.

Many thanks to the thousands of you who took the time to read his in-depth reports. I understand that Pluckery Clubs, Octagenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Clubs and Donkey Dangling Clubs across the UK have seen a spike in enquiries.

We hope we have played a small part in getting people of their settees and gibbering for at least thirty minutes a day.

It has been a great Olympics for Gingers. Below are some of our Titian Titans!

To the youngsters who got in touch to talk about being bullied because they are Ginger, please take inspiration from these people. Talk to your parents, family members or teachers about the problems you are having.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Lord Sandy Bottom

Dan Purvis – Gymnastics

Henk Grol – Judo (Nederlandsch)

Our Mo!

Will Satch – Rowing (In Boats – not arguing – although I wouldn’t argue with him)

Betty Heidler – obvious where she is from and what she does

Team GB’s Water Polo Captain

Lot To Live Up To Wayne!

Read Full Post »

Another Ginger Gold!

Will we ever forget his second spindly legged race for home?

When asked about his award from Gingerfightback Mo said, “Winning the 5,ooo metres and 10,000 metres was great but donning the ginger syrup is my greatest achievement!”

Go Mo!

Suits Him!

Read Full Post »

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  Nearly there!

Maris Strombergs from Latvia won the BMX gold.  The wicker basket on the front of his bike didn’t slow him down. Team GB’s entrant promises to take his stabiliser wheels off for Rio.

The USA 4×100 metres women’s team broke the world record, while Britain’s lads dropped the baton (once again).

There was an upset in the men’s Kayak Single (K1) 200m, where Piotr Siemionowski of Poland finished sixth and did not qualify for the final. Watching it I was continually chanting “Hiawatha, Hiawatha, Hiawatha”.

Another great Kayaker to miss out was Kirk Douglas. The photo shows what happened to his Kayak!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Salad Dressing

Italian Mario Zucchini is the one to beat. His lettuce in thong, beetroot in slingbacks combo was not only erotic, challenging and daring it was also very tasty.

In the World Championships in Luamba this year, Zucchini’s coleslaw capped with a Titfer and Tomato in double breasted single vent suit literally took the world of Sport’s Salad Dressing to new heights.

Although it left a nasty taste in the mouth with his competitors.

Ireland’s Paddy McMuff the self-styled “King of Cabbage Bra” will feature in the medal hunt.

2. Agoraphobic Orienteering

Test event at this year’s games.

Actually it started ten days ago but no-one has left the changing tent yet.  The sound of knees knocking together dominates.

Yeng Bing Yang of China took a peek out of the tent and this places her in the gold medal position.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

Read Full Post »

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Ground Control To Major Wobbly…..

Aunty Bill

Please help! I am made largely of Jelly and want to become an Astronaut. I wrote to Neil Armstrong and he wrote back saying he thought it would be a good idea.

NASA don’t agree on the grounds that Jelly people are a trifle sensitive to gravity and that I may do myself a wibbly wobbly mischief.

So,  my mate Bob has tied several million rubber bands together will strap me to his water butt and launch me into space from the toilet window on Tuesday, after Dial M for Murder.

Bob has welded several metal dustbin lids to the base of the water butt (leaving the top open so I can breathe and pop my head out every now and then to take in the view).

Do you think I need to take a coat with me?

Gel, Swindon

Aunty Bill Replies;

Gel,

Being made of Jelly is one the finest attributes you can possess if you want to join the 500 mile high club.

Rumour has it that Yuri Gagarin was pumped full of jelly prior to launch to help him cope with the fact he was scared of heights and didn’t much fancy looking out of the window.

All Soyuz space craft thereafter were fitted without windows but did have a small fridge fitted to keep ice cream in. The astronaut produced his own jelly as and when needed.

Bearing in mind you’ll be travelling at 17,000 miles an hour, you will find jelly remarkably resistant to the rigours of space flight although it is a good idea to wear some kind of protective suit for re-entry as it can get rather hot and you don’t want to melt.

Remember to keep the Earth in view at all times and use it as your reference point as you don’t want to get confused with all the other planets up there.  From a distance they all look a little bit like Earth (apart from the one with rings round it and the red one ).

If you see Richard Branson up there tell him Aunty Bill says thanks for the Christmas card and the extra air miles.

Good luck! (sounds like your gonna need it pal).

Aunty Bill

Read Full Post »

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  History was made yesterday!

Usain Bolt did the sprint double, lolloping round the 200 metres in next to no time and became the first man to defend both sprint titles.

Team GB’s Nicola Adams became the first woman to win a gold in boxing when she beat China’s Rencan in a thrilling contest.

Holland tonked GB 9-2 to go into the men’s hockey final. As you known thish givesh ush der chancesh to do der Dutsch accshent fur a liddle while.

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. The Men’s 4×4 Gibber

A sport with a training regime like no other. Drinking, smoking, tottering, poor bladder control, teeth staining, sitting in pubs talking cobblers and eating greasy food of dubious quality on the way home, whilst talking more nonsense.

Every day. For decades.

“Gibber is to human endeavour what Big Bang Theory is to the salad dressings.” Stephen Hawking

“I think therefore I gibber.” D’escartes

“Has anyone seen my socks?” Billy Bob Thornton

Team GB’s Quartet of Harding, O’Brien, Smyth and the anchorman Henderson, will be going for gold.

“Top Gibber!” we hope to be saying this evening. A film of their exploits, “Gibbers of Fire” is to be released later in the year.

Expect strong competition from the Nepalese.

2. Broad Bean Knee Crush

As Jacques Rogge said, “Let legumes begin!”

For vegetable fanciers the highlight of the games. Jumping from a height of 10 metres, competitors seek to crush broad beans, laid out in the image of Lord Coe, with their knees.

A sport that really gets the pulses racing.

Etienne Louvre is the favourite for the gold but expect Lambang Sillowotbanglangtangbingbangabongivegotalovelybunchofcoconuts from Thailand to press her hard.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty!

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »