Under A Duvet Of Stars – By Paul Holland (Again!)

I went to sleep in the stranger’s bed
And woke needing to pee.
Not knowing where the light was
Nor wanting to wake her.
Well,
Wanting to wake her…but.

Through the curtains
Could see the stars
Sow stars
Sow that light across this universe
This brief moment of time
Across the darkness
Light my way
Be my light
Don’t let me stumble.

But she wakes
And as she watches my return
Know now
This means more to me
Than the light
Of our one lonely star.

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Mysteries Of The Universe – The Great Black Hole Pudding

Scientists from the Bubble telescope have discovered a massive Black Pudding Hole in the Andromeda Galaxy. Here is the first amazing image.

That’ll Make One Hell Of a Fry Up!

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Dear Aunty Bill,

I want to go to space. The Goldfish bowl fits my head perfectly. I have strapped some gas canisters and tin foil to my bike and the launch from Cape Kilburn will take place when I buy a battery for my clock. I am saving up at the moment.

I have made sandwiches and bought some Cornish pasties too. So I have food when I am in orbit. Oh and a bucket for my functions.

Have I forgotten anything?

Idiot Ted, Kilburn

Ground control to Major Ted

I can find no hole in your plan except for the lack of suitable protection from the viscous ultra violet light and gamma rays that will rain down on you like a fire storm from hell.

Your head should be OK as long as you don’t remove the goldfish bowl in flight.  For added protection smear the bowl with emollient cream as this acts as a repellent for any UV rays

Try not cover the bit where your eyes are. Otherwise you won’t see anything.

You seem to have no other protection other than the Kevlar mankini you will be wearing during your ascent. This is totally insufficient as once the speed  of your bicycle increases above 35mph you’ll be exposed to G forces equivalent to that experienced by an ant being fired from a pea shooter.

Moss Bros have a range of three piece suits ideal for space travel although these are for hire only and have to be returned in the condition they were hired, difficult for the long distance traveller such as yourself.

Why a three piece suit? In addition to the additional protection offered by the waist coat, you must remember you are an ambassador for Planet Earth and should you meet any aliens it’s important to create a good impression.

I would take along a few extra sandwiches with various fillings to offer in the event you make contact. Shiphams meat or crab paste should go down well.

Should you have a close encounter along the way, hide the bucket or at least tip the contents somewhere where they’ll just “float on” as the song says.

Good luck Ted we’re all rootin’ for you!

Aunty Bill

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Pointless Ginger Wig Adaptations – #17 Saturn

What are those strange Ginger Rings………..?

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello Folks,

Bob Lewington here again.

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

I popped round to my mum’s this morning to put some new shelves up for her. I’ve got a drill. Don’t use a spirit level though. Don’t trust bubbles. Sinister things

Sunday’s cabbage worked its magic and I needed the facilities. I read about Neil Armstrong in The Sun.

I remember that July day in ’69. Dad had got me up at 4 in the morning to watch him walk on the moon. Armstrong that is. Not Dad. He was in his pants and vest on the settee next to me watching the telly.

Dead impressed I was. I stuck the goldfish bowl over me head pretending to be Armstrong. There were half a dozen lads in Gravesend A and E  all wearing goldfish bowls.  A lot of goldfish must have come to a sticky end that day.

When the bowl was off, I got a slap round the head from the Nurses, Doctors and Dad. And a passing Policeman for good measure. Kids have it easy these days. A good beating did me the world of good.

Here’s to Neil Armstrong I thought as I reached for the toilet roll. He had reached for the Stars.

C’est la vie.

All the best,

Bob.

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