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Posts Tagged ‘War In Syria’

Sargent_Stench_MctavishHello,

As ex-special forces I know about adapting to my surroundings through disguise and aromatherapy.

My account of life as a Jihadist in Syria called, “But Syriaously” was published this week. Here is an extract from Chapter 5, ” Cheese Waits For No Man.”

“Over 120 in the shade. The Lethal Force Action Group were struggling. Prickle Heat had laid Al-Fungus Thompson out and I could see that Al-Jellytits O’Loon was beginning to wilt.

Food supplies were running low, forcing us to suck each others toes for fluid. Thompson’s bunions were off putting at first, but when you are desperate……….

……………………………..Finally, after days of searching we came across the ammo dump. Here sat the Druze Militia Warlord and his evil henchmen,  fiddling with Rubik’s cubes whilst discussing the relative merits of sheep, goat or cow’s cheese. Preparations were being made for a Fondue party. I love Fondue.

I could smell cheese. A ripe, cheesy odour that reminded me of home – cheese on toast for tea on Sundays. In less hostile times I would have told these evil WARLORDS OF DEATH how a splash of Worcester Sauce really complements cheese on toast. Sadly this was not the case. I was here to destroy the ground to air rockets my country had sold to them. In the name of peace.

From my ammo belt I broke out my emergency cheese supply and popped a lump onto my head. I inched my way toward the group.   The Big Lad stirring the Fondue saw me,  he was 6 foot tall and 6 foot wide with the hams of a god.

I had to think. Fast. On my feet. My field training helped.

“Aaaahhhh CHEESE!” I shouted and smiled.

“Sim Salabim! CHEEEEEEEESE!” he replied. I took the cheese off my head and motioned towards the fondue bowl.

“Sim Salabim! Dunk your cheese Offendi!”

I dunked my cheesy knob for a few moments before whipping it out and pasting it up the nostrils of the Big Lad.

“Aiieeeeeeee!” he cried – I managed to get my cheesy knob down his throat. Al-Jellytits O-Loon burst through the doors and made those evil henchmen eat lead.

We made off with the fondue set and had a wonderful night. It would have been nice to have some fruit to go with our cheese platter. There is something mystical about eating cheese and a selection of stoned fruits under the stars.

 

 

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