The Previous Lives Of Agnes DuPont

Hello People,

I have been looking for love!

I signed up to Have We’ve Met B4? (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com) the dating agency for the reincarnated.

A very reasonable signing up fee and a choice of a Crossbow, The Plague or Witchcraft as a free signing on gift! I chose the Crossbow, it was made of plastic and sadly hasn’t lasted.

Among the matches from Have We’ve Met B4? was Terry, a very nervous Visigoth with dandruff, Clancy a hirsute Victorian Chimney Sweep (First man I met who platted his nasal hair) and Andrew, whose incarnation as Archimedes meant our date was a discourse on the importance of the bath plug.

Tonight I’m cooking dinner for Neville, who was a 4th Century Corsican Pirate plying his evil trade on the Barbery Coast, pillaging, wenching and ravishing as he went.

He’s in Telesales now is allergic to brushed cotton and is convinced that only a a reformed New Kids On The Block can save the world from militant Islam.

Sounds a catch.  If a touch deranged. Hope he likes soup. I love soup. Slurp, slurp.

Tatty bye

Agnes

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Is That The Dalai Lama With A Veggie Burger On His Head?

Yes!

 

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Ghandi Was In Me! – The Previous Lives Of Agnes DuPont

Agnes DuPont tells us more about her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here.

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese. She also claims vegetables from the Brassica family have a similar effect.

PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME AS CAULIFLOWER, COOKED OR RAW, IN THE WRONG HANDS CAN BE LETHAL.

Hello People,

Last Wednesday I was working in my local butcher’s, removing veins from lambs liver, when Mahatma Gandhi entered me.  Not in that way I hasten to add.

No, Gandhi’s spirit  entered my mortal remains. It was great being a bow legged pacifist for a while. Dressed in a sheet too.  You might say it was Dandy Ghandi.

Wendy Crabtree walked in, as is her want, to buy a belly of pork for the Sunday roast.

As Mahatma I wasn’t happy about this and organised a campaign of vegetarian mass civil disobedience. I readjusted the thickness on the ham slicer and tossed root vegetables (I always carry a few in case of emergencies) around the place.

As I flung a turnip at a rack of lamb I thought of Morrissey.  Strange that.

Sadly I lost my job at the Butcher’s but do have a much greater insight into the last days of Britain’s presence in India. A fair exchange.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese and broccoli long into the night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

As the nation’s leading Transgender Agony Aunt/Uncle, Aunty Bill is here to help. If you have a problem with affairs of the heart or just need advice, drop him/her a line and he/she will be happy to help.

Replies may take a little time as he/she is currently in the medical unit at his/her open prison in Worcestershire undergoing some lovely transformative surgery.

A Way To A Transvestite’s Heart…..

Aunty Bill,

Are you a vegetarian? My mum reckons you are.

Alan, Santiago

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Alan,

Mums! Dontcha just love ’em?

She’s right of course. I had a rather nasty experience with an old piece of shrivelled pork many years ago (don’t ask). Ever since I have been totally meat free.

Nuts, berries & nettles are my staples these days although recently I have become partial to a slice of Ugli fruit before bedtime. One of the great things about a meat free diet is how great you feel about saving the lickle sheeps and lambs from the threat of immediate slaughter.

One of the downsides is Rickets and calcium deficiency. So it is important to drink lots of milk if you decide to give up meat, otherwise your teeth/hair/legs could fall off or out.

Here’s my recipe for nettle surprise which I sometimes cook for the wing :

Nettles (lots)

Water (5 gals)

Sugar (8lbs)

Rice (as much as you can lay your hands on)

Bubblegum (2 packets)

Wash and chop the nettles (wear gloves!)

Boil water then when boiled at nettles, sugar & rice

Simmer for 5 hours

Strain resulting mess well, add bubble gum to garnish and serve immediately.

The juice can be stored and used to clean the limescale from sinks & toilets (make sure you store well away from sunlight and do not expose to naked flame)

Enjoy!

Aunty Bill

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

All the best with your endeavours

Aunty Bill

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