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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

The Root Of The Problem

Aunty,

Several years ago I married the man of my dreams. At least I thought. Since then he has been diagnosed with permanent vegetable disorder. His nose is a carrot, arms are leeks, ears are cauliflowers and his head is turning into a giant lettuce.

I love him dearly but when I see him now all I think about is making a broth.

Can you help?

Sally, Stockton on Tees

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Sally

Sorry to hear of your dilemma and the distress caused in watching your man slowly turn into a human casserole.

However with the onset of the cold weather, now is the time to prune those parts no longer of any use to him. He seems to have most of the ingredients to make that lovely warming casserole with the simple addition of a pound of stewing steak and a tin of butter beans and some lentils.

I recommend using a slow cooker to bring out the full flavour of your mans “produce” (leave out the lettuce though). Russell Hobbs do a 6.5 litre brushed aluminium effort for £26 (with vario-thermostatic control) which would be ideal for your needs and provide a healthy and sustaining meal which will last you for several days.

Don’t worry about pruning the limbs as this type of vegetable disorder is that the limbs grow back after a short while therefore providing a constant supply of food! Ensure you keep his lettuce well watered as this is the source of the nutrients that keep the rest of his root vegetables healthy.

I’m sending you a copy of my leaflet “20 Slow Cooker recipes for those living with permanent vegetable disorder (or with someone in the household who does)” – bit of a mouthful but sure tastes good!

Yum Yum!

Aunty Bill

You can read more Aunty Bill here!

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Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  History was made yesterday!

Usain Bolt did the sprint double, lolloping round the 200 metres in next to no time and became the first man to defend both sprint titles.

Team GB’s Nicola Adams became the first woman to win a gold in boxing when she beat China’s Rencan in a thrilling contest.

Holland tonked GB 9-2 to go into the men’s hockey final. As you known thish givesh ush der chancesh to do der Dutsch accshent fur a liddle while.

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. The Men’s 4×4 Gibber

A sport with a training regime like no other. Drinking, smoking, tottering, poor bladder control, teeth staining, sitting in pubs talking cobblers and eating greasy food of dubious quality on the way home, whilst talking more nonsense.

Every day. For decades.

“Gibber is to human endeavour what Big Bang Theory is to the salad dressings.” Stephen Hawking

“I think therefore I gibber.” D’escartes

“Has anyone seen my socks?” Billy Bob Thornton

Team GB’s Quartet of Harding, O’Brien, Smyth and the anchorman Henderson, will be going for gold.

“Top Gibber!” we hope to be saying this evening. A film of their exploits, “Gibbers of Fire” is to be released later in the year.

Expect strong competition from the Nepalese.

2. Broad Bean Knee Crush

As Jacques Rogge said, “Let legumes begin!”

For vegetable fanciers the highlight of the games. Jumping from a height of 10 metres, competitors seek to crush broad beans, laid out in the image of Lord Coe, with their knees.

A sport that really gets the pulses racing.

Etienne Louvre is the favourite for the gold but expect Lambang Sillowotbanglangtangbingbangabongivegotalovelybunchofcoconuts from Thailand to press her hard.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty!

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We all know that the cost of travelling can be prohibitively expensive. Gfb has turned to ace traveller Contour D.Tour for help.

His book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – rumours abound that Clooney has bought an option – provides the price sensitive wanderer with a myriad of ways to travel for free.

Here, we abridge his journey from London to Kazakhstan. We hope you find some useful tips for the family holiday.

Day 1 – London Victoria – Board the Dover train early – hide in the luggage rack – eat soap and begin to foam at mouth. Rabies will keep ’em at bay. Soon able to construct a soap bubble model of the Wills and Kate.

Day 1 – Dover Docks – Steal pedillo from nearby boating lake.  To France!

Day 1 – France – Sneak onto lorry carrying homesick tulips bound for Holland.

Day 2 – Holland – Bury myself in carrot field. Befriend a mole.

A Carrot Field

A Carrot Field

Day 56 – Holland – Harvested – tossed into lorry and driven to Polish carrot processing factory. Tinned and packed.

Day 57 – Poland – Give Spinster living in town of Zzzzzzskbrgw a shock when I pop out of her tin of baby carrots. Steal her Pope John Paul II replica kit – offered lift to Ukraine by Zzzzzzskbrgw’s open topped tour bus company in return for pretending to be former Pontiff for two days. Contract prostrate trouble from all that lying down and kissing tarmac.

Day 61 – Ukraine – Steal accordion from one armed busker – Cossack dance my way across the Steppes playing classic folk song, Kalinka as I do so. My latent buttock strength proves a Godsend.

Day 62/3/4/5 – Ukraine – Still Cossacking and Kalinkaing – Pity I don’t know any other songs.

Day 66 – Ukraine – Arrive in Chernobyl – immediately grow third ear and a sundial on right knee.

Day 69 – Ukraine – Hide in accordion and wait to be picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast. Third ear comes in handy. Sundial doesn’t.

Day 135 – Ukraine – The accordion appears to have lost its cache amongst the Slavic peoples. Shame.

Day 136 – Ukraine -Finally picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast, Anatoly Gazpachiov – starts to play me. Bloody Kalinka again. Followed by “If I Were A Rich Man,” Hurrah a new tune!

Day 139 – Russian border – Anatoly loses eye after formaldehyde binge drinking session. Sells accordion to Dmitri Tarpaulin, owner of “”Dissident World” – the leading forced labour theme park in the world.

Day 141 – Russia – I am set to work as a Boris Yeltsin look-alike on Dissident World’s ghost train, the Gulag Ghouler.

Day 145 – Russia – Steal Ghost train and make a dash for Kazak border – at 3 mph – chased by a mob of dwarf Stalin’s, Lenin’s, Brezhnev’s, Castro’s and Honnecker’s in spare train.

Day 212 – Reach Kazakhstan – Cross the border – the Titchy Trot heroes of socialist revolution wave their tiny fists at me in anger.

Kazakhstan – Big place. Hello! Is there anybody here? Tatar appears on horse.

PRICE COMPARISON

British Midland International

London Heathrow to Astana, Kazakhstan.

Price £349

Time; 7 Hours 15 Minutes

Tightfisted Traveller

London to Kazak Border

Price; Free!

Time 5,088 Hours

YOU DECIDE!

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