Bull Pull – The Craze That Is Sweeping The World!

Hello,

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.” Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Here are some new sports to look out for in 2015!

1. Rolf – Use clubs to smack a hefty, big boned Viking around a muddy field for a bit (Imagine Game of Thrones meets Crazy Golf.)

2. Incessance – A woman in her 60’s sits next to you on a bus and talks utter shite until your ears bleed and your stools turn black with impotent rage.  A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and constipation in equal measure.

3. Nonogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy sack elderly gentlemen possess.

4. Bacon Pocket – Throw a slice of bacon into a team mate’s pocket from 100 feet. The Javelin meets Lacrosse using cured meats. The Spanish variant is known as Chip my Chorizo (“Chippo meo Chorizo” in the native tongue.)

5. Udder Pool – Arrange your prize milker over the green baize and use the powerful milk stream to pot the balls! Also known as Bull Pull but this version is for the strong of wrist and fleet of foot!!

Come On Kate!

 

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WHOOPS! Prince Charles in expletive laden tirade about the Scottish

Gingerfightback’s Hugh Pugh-Barney-McGrew was interviewing the heir apparent about his love of courgettes when Chas blurted into the microphone,

Defender Of The Sausage

“I’m sick of these Jock arsewipes moaning about how hard done by they are.  Mama forces One to traipse around some God for-fuckin-saken heather moor singing like Moira Anderson’s castrated cousin about,”Weee misty ooop the skelter” or “dinnae na bricht ma panty liners” whilst me knackers are frozen. Kilts are for C*nts who eat deep fried Mars bars, drink deep fried Lager and wear deep fried Shellsuits.

Braveheart? One’s arse.

If I have to hear “500 Miles” by them speccy Proclaimer bastards again I’ll get Mama to fellate Gordon Brown in the fuckin’ Tower. Bathgate no more – thank fuck – Shitehole – Alex Salmond? Lying Jock wanker. Leave old slaphead Robinson alone! Nick may be an arse bandit and Establishment lickspittle but he’s my arse bandit and my lickspittle. Caber tossing bastards…..”

He then hopped over a fence to steal a pair of women’s knickers that were on a rotary dryer in the balmy Edinburgh air.

 

“One’s Always Been A Thong Man!”

 

 

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The Queen pleads with the Scottish

The Queen has pleaded with Scots to remain part of the United Kingdom. The big funnelled monarch, celebrating 600 years without a thought, is very “worried” about developments, particularly losing her holiday cottage in Balmoral.

To show her devotion to her Scottish subjects Her Royal Linerness has taken to wearing the national symbol of Scotland, the Scotch Egg.

Royal watcher, Form A-Orderly-Queue told Gfb, “Her Royal Minus is very keen that the Sweaty Socks stay part of the UK. She adores shortbread, has read all of Irvine Welsh’s novels, is addicted to Temazepan and Irn Bru is her favourite hangover cure.”

Why don’t they want wonky Prince Charlie as their next King?

Prince Phillip has ordered tanks to be placed outside the house of Scottish firebrand and slurper of soup, Alex “Fatty” Salmond, describing him as a “Slimy sporran sniffing Jock Bastard,” to close pals.

The Prince is also worried that summers will have to be spent at Butlins in Minehead in future.

 

 

What will the Scottish People decide? Will it be life in the Faslane? Or is that the nuclear option?

Och Aye The Noo

Mammy!

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David Cameron Predicts Sharia Law In Scotland

British PM David Cameron has predicted that Scotland will be under Sharia Law “within days” of becoming Independent.

The PM speaking to Gfb’s Colin Testicle, gave the warning as the polls narrowed further in the run up to the referendum on Scottish independence on September 18th.

After his valet Timpkins had salted the PM’s boiled egg and cut up his soldiers, Cameron told Testicle, “Look here – these Jock chaps  and chapesses need to know whats going on with those Nationalist  wallahs.  They are actually a front for “The Mad McMullahs” a shadowy Islamist/Free Presbyterian ultra orthodox Abrahamic faith union who want to ban Knee length socks, cabbage and deep fried Mars Bars, which people of Scotland, I personally adore.”

Could He Be a Terrorist?

When asked what proof he has of the existence of The Mad McMullahs, the PM replied, “Can’t say too much old bean, walls have ears and all that but safe to say take a shufty at Alex Salmond – imagine him with a beard. Yeah? Yeah? Now what about his piece of totty Nicola Sturgeon – imagine her with a beard. Obvious really isn’t it! Salmond also owns a Cat Stevens record.”

“I suspect we are going have to arm the Orange Order at this rate,” he said before belching and turning his attention to a couple of Dick Emery sketches which apparently is contingency planning for Ukraine.

Gfb asked Big Jock Al-McJock Al Kebab Shish and Salad – Imam of the Galashiels Mosque for a reply and he told us, “Cameron is a fucking idiot.”

 

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“I Was Taking Drugs For Britain!” Says Crackhead In The Cupboard

Hi Kids,

It is your duty to take drugs!

 

As the Government now includes proceeds from drugs and prostitution in official statistics I am proud that my Crack habit has helped pull the country out of recession. I’m not sure how statisticians arrived at these figures (exhaustive research must have been undertaken).

Prostitution should no longer be seen as drug addled women being pimped by scum to pay for their heroin addiction but as a bold, nay noble effort to get the country back on its feet, up against a wall or in a car or in a bus shelter…..

Makes ya proud to be British!

Beats me why would Scotland wish to become independent!

Uncle Crackhead

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Pity England – Crap At Everything – Time For Some New Sports!

Hello,

• Out of the World Cup
• Walloped in the Cricket
• Allowed predatory paedophile TV Stars to sustain child abuse in plain view
• An incompetent Prime Minister stiffed by the Europeans
• An Establishment clique exposed in the Courts as contemptuous of The People
• A nation governed for the benefit of Bankers.

Even the Scottish may show them the finger!

Pity England…..

England gifted the world – Football, Rugby, Tennis, giggling, The Rule of Law, the tank top, Pleurisy, pleated skirts, sandwiches, Parliamentary Democracy, trapped wind, the concentration camp and poorly drawn international boundaries. Oh and Margaret Thatcher.

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.”

The nation is down in the dumps. What is the answer?

New games gifted to grateful foreigners – but fear not in another 100 or so years England will be crap at these too!

Hooray! Hooray!

SOME GAMES THE ENGLISH CAN GIVE TO THE WORLD! GRATIS! FREE!

1. Formation Immolation – Team arson has never been so much fun!

2. Pillow Dribble Staining – Dribbling and sleeping – the perfect combo! 

3. Donkey Dangle – hang limply from a donkey without food, water or “natural break”. A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and chafing in equal measure.

4. Pluckery –  Competitors are blindfolded, nailed to a wheel and spun for 24 hours – they are then asked to come up with a cogent argument for the continued existence of Piers Morgan.

This is Level 1 of Pluckery – “The cruel and unusual test of pointless endurance”.

5. Gibber – A sport with a training regime like no other. Drinking, smoking, tottering, poor bladder control, teeth staining, sitting in pubs talking cobblers and eating greasy food of dubious quality on the way home, whilst talking more nonsense.

Every day. For decades.

“I think therefore I gibber.” D’escartes.

6. Octogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy tessies elderly gentlemen possess.

7. Bouncing Bards – Poets hop around a running track and recite poems written by local halfwits.

8. Sado-Masochist Balls –  Teams of S & M types –  line em up against a wall and rub them feverishly with sandpaper – ALL OVER.

9. Sausage Pocket – Throw a sausage – from distance – into a team mate’s pocket – The Javelin meets Lacrosse using a savoury meaty snack.

10. Nervous Team Titter – The game for those who react to pressure by giggling – a team of titterers seek to score “giggle goals” in a variety of embarrassing situations.     

Come On Kate – Get Pregnant!

Sweet Jesus

 

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2014 Budget Reveals What The Tories Think Of Britain

The 2014 budget and subsequent #ToryBingo furore has led many to ask? What things do hardworking people really enjoy? To answer this question GFB has undertaken an exclusive poll of hardworking people and the results show that it’s not just bingo and beer hardworking people enjoy.

Top 10 things that hardworking people enjoy;

1 – Being slapped on the buttocks with a rolled up copy of The Sun.

2 – Eating chips

3 – Biting cats

4 – Opening letters addressed to their neighbours

5 – Smoking crack

6 – Masturbating whilst watching Benefits Street

7 – Holidaying in Lanzarote

8 – Auditioning for X Factor

9 – Watching granny porn (fave film ‘Gum Jobs’)

10 – Twitter and Facebook trolling

Daniel Wankstain coalition insider commented, “The Government will be thrilled with the results of GFB’s poll. We know we’re in tune with the hardworking and indeed for that matter the handwanking people of Britain. Who doesn’t like a game of bingo and a warm can of Fosters on a Friday night? But as a Government we know we can do more and are actively working on free porn credits for older people, cat biting lessons for unemployed young people and Crack on prescription for single parents and the disabled. Now, got to dash, it’s Happy Hour in the Commons Bar, tally ho!’

Deficit? What Deficit?

Just remember we are all in this together!

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