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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Hello!

My disappearance from this page has been due to a “misunderstanding” between myself and my geographically challenged tunneling mate Ron “The Chopper” Harris.

Four weeks of hard graft down the drain as we emerged not to freedom as was the plan, but into the Governor’s private quarters containing his silver plated commode.

Needless to say a few weeks in solitary has given me time to reflect on the error of my ways. Without further ado lets dive in, as my sack is positively bulging with cries for help.

Here is a triple header!

Hello Aunty Bill

Can you help? For the past six weeks I have been waiting for the lights to change at the pedestrian crossing so I can go and meet my mum outside Tesco’s and help her bring the weekly shopping home. I am getting a bit cold now and my feet are a bit sore. Any tips?

Thick Tom, Harlow

Hello AB

Can you help? I have been waiting 6 weeks now for my son Thick Tom to turn up and help me take the week’s shopping home. I am getting a bit fed up waiting outside Tesco’s and people are starting to stub their cigarettes out on me. Also I need to get home to cook my idle layabout of a husband’s tea. Any tips?

Dense Denise, Harlow

Hello Aunty

Can you help? I have been waiting 6 weeks for my wife Dense Denise to get home from the weekly shop to cook my tea. I am starving. Any tips?

Challenged Charlie, Harlow

Aunty Bill Replies;

Tom, Denise and Charlie,

I take it you are related as there is a common thread running through your letters, only confirming my worst fear about the inhabitants of Harlow Town.
Harlow is noted for its roundabout system and the number of traffic lights needed to control people entering the town. Basically, people can’t wait to leave and would drive like Michael Schumacher to escape,  leaving carnage in their wake. So the rather complex system of roundabouts and traffic lights was introduced to prevent this and give people the time to savour their surroundings and take advantage of the shopping facilities at the Staple Tye shopping centre (a poorer selection of retail outlets it is harder to imagine unless you have penchant for lard,Diamond White cider and leggings).
The traffic lights are controlled by two brothers who are employed directly via the local lunatic asylum. They are also colour blind making errors of judgement on their part all too common.
To combat this, both were given “Stop – Go” boards to get the traffic moving again. But as Harlow’s a big town, it is going to take them some time to reach your road given that the large number of busy intersections they need to free up (some cars have been stationary for some months now).
Rest assured they will get to you as soon as they can. In the meantime I’m sending you a copy of Harlow Council’s Urban Town Planning for Idiots leaflet which goes some way to explaining the predicament you all currently find yourselves in.
Harlow Council – “Working for you……Sometimes”

 

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Brussels

Gridlock at Place Meiser, tailback on Rue de la Loi, breakdown in the Louise tunnel, roadworks affecting traffic into Brussels coming from Liege.

Heavy delays can be expected.

Sadly this means we will miss the very interesting lecture on  “Folding techniques 1695 to 1945 – The role of the crease in establishing the Industrial Revolution” by Amanda Tiddler of the Belgian Fabric Council.

Instead we will venture to the recently opened World of Lard in Swindon, where all your lard needs are catered for.

To good to miss!

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