Torture Techniques And Tips – A Handy Guide – By Stench McBain

Hello,

The best way to crack a terrorist?  Veruccas.

I learned to love and cherish my veruccas. Not only were they a food source they also made steadfast companions. Easy to look after and not requiring sustenance apart from a sweaty sock or two, they make the perfect pet for us special forces types.

Terrorists cannot cope with Verucca Boarding. Whenever I whipped out my verucca sock and placed it on the nose of an evil terrorist – Boy oh Boy would that evil terrorist spill the beans.

Even beans he didn’t know about.

Think of it compadre – would YOU like an infestation of these little critters on the end of your conk? Thought not!

The technique was invented by Colonel Jock “McJock” Bollocks who headed up the deep cover Fungal Foot Fighting Force. Jock once took out an Iraqi machine gun nest armed only with a can of Athlete’s Foot spray and a belief in the redemptive qualities of Jesus Christ.

Legend or loon – you decide!

Now in civvy street when I go to the local baths for a swim, I think of all my little verucca chums nestling around the pool’s edge waiting to be called to defend our freedoms.

Thank you  Colonel Bollocks.

 

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Sheep And The War On Terror – By Stench McBain – Ginger Ninja Warrior One Man War Gone Rogue Gone Bad

As ex-special forces, I am an expert at “blending in” with my surroundings to achieve the most important goal of rogue ginger warriors – surprise.

I demonstrate this in my latest book, “Béchamel Death Squad – The Lasagna Years”. Here is an extract from Chapter 4, “Sweat The Onions – Then Decapitate”.  

“In the mountains for 64 days. Still no sign of The Evil Terrorist. Sent our sharpshooter sheep Stevenson into a forward position with the orders to watch the road for any sign of activity.

“Baa.” He replied.

I had wondered about a sheep’s ability to be a sharp shooter and how in the name of Oliver North and all things shady, a ruminant had passed the selection tests. Let alone pull a trigger. Still that is for the Brass to determine.

But at least a sheep does not draw attention as it traverses the lonely mountain cols armed only with a bazooka, big gun and a love of one’s country.

Point Man Jellytits O’Loon,  recommended we eat Stevenson.  No. Orders were Orders and I’m not much of a mutton man in all honesty.

On day 65 The Evil Terrorist and his motley crew of cutthroats and knaves ambled toward Stevenson.

ET cried,”Sim salabim, eye of a goat, tail of a coat, a beast that yields a tasty, nutritious snack at a price that won’t break the bank! It is a sign from the heavens of the righteousness of our heroin supply business.” (My Farsi is a bit rusty and this may not be the 100% correct translation).

“Baa.”

In the ensuing gunfight, The Evil Terrorist was slain. In the movie that was made of this action, Sharpshooter Sheep II,(Stevenson was played by Mark Wahlberg) the sheep is credited with firing the shot that slew The Evil Terrorist. It was me actually. Who after all seriously believes a sheep can pump an evil terrorist fulla lead?

Oscars Being Mentioned!

Stevenson is now Foreign Secretary.  

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