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Posts Tagged ‘The Vikings’

Hello! Ma Fightback and I are heading to Germany for the weekend to gawp at baubles and the like.

So, to get you all in the mood for Christmas here is an old friend and confidente of Gingerfightback, The Tight Fisted Traveller reliving his trip to Lapland last year.

Enjoy the festive nonsense.

The Tight Fisted Traveller Goes To Lapland – Part 1

This Christmas,  Ma Fightback and I thought about taking Ginger Junior to Lapland to see Santa. The price quoted by the Travel Agent caused my spleen to rupture. But what price memories? Not that much.

Disappointed, we trudged back to the multi storey car park in Staines. As we looked for the Focus we bumped into friend and economy traveller Contour D. Klepto.

I explained my predicament and he handed me a copy of his latest book “Drug Muling – How To See The World On The Cheap”. As luck would have it, Chapter 7 outlined a recent trip to Lapland………..

Day 1 – London Liverpool Street – 07.48 train to Harwich. Seal myself in rucksack after settling on luggage rack. Find DVD of the classic adventure yarn The Vikings in bag. An omen for a trip to Scandinavia?

Day 1 – Harwich – Stowaway on SS Norrkoping which plies between Harwich and Esbjerg. It brings bacon and butter from Denmark and takes metaphors and allegories in the opposite direction. I disguise myself as an anecdote and set sail across North Sea. This reminds me of a rather funny story……..

Day 2 – Esbjerg, Denmark – make my way to Denmark’s largest pig farm. Spend three weeks living with a Sow (who I name Barbie) and her piglets. Discover that pig milk is perfectly drinkable. The suckling is tricky though. Barbie displays lesbian tendencies.

Day 24 – I am vacuum sealed into a family sized value pack of streaky bacon. Taken to Copenhagen.

Day 25 – Copenhagen – Don an Ugly Duckling outfit – recite this and other Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales to earn passage to Sweden.

Day 29 – Deported from Denmark under the 1895 Cobblers Rendition of Hans Christian Andersen Fairy Tales Act. Find myself on a ferry for Gothenburg, Sweden.

Day 29 – Thrown overboard by a group of Hans Christian Andersen fundamentalists who take exception to my Ugly Duckling outfit. They live their lives based purely on the moral code of Hansy’s fairy tales. “We are pure, we are not staid, now swim with the Little Mermaid!” is their cry as I am tipped into the Gulf of Bothnia.

Day 31 – Still bobbin in Bothnia – befriended by a Cod who I name Bob.

Part 2 Tomorrow!

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Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  What A Day!

Nadzeya Ostapchuk won gold in the Women’s shot putt. Her hairstyle reminded me of Gordon Strachan circa 1988.

Australian Tom Slingsby won a gold in the Laser class sailing.  They will soon catch up with New Zealand! (Not that we are gloating after decades of drubbings from them – oh yes we are!)

These two seem to be enjoying themselves in the Greco-Roman wrestling!

Zaur Kuramagomedov of Russia competes with Hasan Aliyev of Azerbaijan 

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Cistercian Dispersion – Dates back to 645 AD, when monks on Holy Island, busy being ascetic and wondering what to do about the sweat rash from their woollen robes are captured by Vikings.

One Norseman has the bright idea of seeing how far he can fling their separated heads. The best monk chucker was then entered into the Dark Ages favourite quiz show Supermarket Pillage.

The sport has received something of a revival in the last ten years. Although they don’t throw monks heads anymore!  Instead a medicine ball with a wig glued onto it. But don’t worry the wig has a bald spot for a bit of authenticity.

Norway’s Jan-Dahl Tossderhead is favourite for gold although expect a challenge from the mighty Algerian Youssouf Al-Syrup.

2. Sausage Pocket

Marjorie Masticationio from Sicily can catch in the pocket of her slacks a flung sausage from a distance of 47 Metres!

A sport for all the family this one and with a tasty meaty snack never far away!

Marjorie hopes to land gold.  She has already medalled in the Synchronised Bacon Waving with her partner Gina Pollo.

Team GB’s Penny Whistle will be her main rival although her use of a chipolata is sure to be a bone of contention.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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