Ginger Sooty’s Olympic Diary – Day 13

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  Only a few days to go now!

Canoeing – Eirik Verus Larsen from Norway won a gold in sprint canoeing. He got himself into a bit of a paddle but came good in the end.

Another Viking who was in the final was Kirk Douglas. Sadly Kirk’s canoe didn’t make the end of the race.

Wrestling – Japan’s Kaori Icho became the first woman to win three Olympic wrestling gold medals by beating China’s Jing Ruixue in the freestyle 63kg final. Wonder who her squeeze is. Brave lad.

Athletics – Alyson Felix of the USA  won the Women’s 200 hundred metres final.  She really is poetry in motion. The Beret, Goatee and Cigarette clamped between her teeth certainly give that impression.

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Sprint Shoe Horning

The sport that requires you to slip slip-ons on pronto.

The world record stands at 27 pairs fitted and removed in a minute. The shoes used are two sizes smaller than a competitor’s foot size.

Esteban “The Man With Hooves Instead Of Feet” Cordobes from Ecuador is favourite to take gold. Watching him “slipping” at race pace is like watching a magician at work, only this magician’s magic wand is a tortoise-shell shoe-horn with “Esteban” written  on it. In Mother of Pearl.

Evangelists think he is the Devil because of his cloven hooves instead of feet – we are not so sure.

Expect Canada’s Larry Bertrand to challenge. His his mum always holds a giant crucifix over him when he takes on Esteban.

(We’ve just heard that Larry has been found dead, his shoe horn rammed through his heart and “Esteban Diablo” written in Larry’s own blood by the cadaver).

2. Sado Masochists 10,000 Metres 

The most prestigious athletic competition for fetishists and the S&M fraternity.

10 competitors will be entered for this race (with a variety of implements) and  Dominatrix Madam Sin  and her “Little Bleeder” will whip them into shape round the back passage on this brand spanking new track.

The warm weather has forced organisers to ban gimp masks.

Belgium’s Jean Luc-Squeak will take some beating (as he does most Thursday nights) in this race. Tony Belter from Australia will provide stiff opposition however.

The losers will be tied together, castigated and publicly humiliated by the stadium’s 80,000 spectators for several hours.

Much to their delight!

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty!

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Train Travel Tales 8 – Banjo Gibbon

He stretched out in the First Class seat. The Afghans had proved to be shrewd negotiators but they had finally signed up to the deal. Five years supply of wind, hedged against minimum temperature guarantees for Florida Citrus growers. Twenty five million a year profit guaranteed. He was good for fifteen per cent of that. He was a genius deal maker.

The cocaine rush was falling away and now yielded only an edgy neurosis. He scanned the carriage and saw men, all with a position in life, hunched over laptops peering at spread sheets of incalculable pointlessness.

“Doo Dah, Doo Dah”.

He stood up and walked to the toilet. Making sure the door was locked he retrieved from his wallet the small sachet, bought from Glenn the barman in the Champagne Bar. He laid out a line on the toilet seat and knelt down, unaware of a urine puddle and snorted the coke.

Immediately he felt alive, strong and able to enjoy the Deal once more. He wiped his nose, flushed the toilet and returned to his seat.

Nearby a banjo was playing a familiar tune. He sang along.

“Goin’ to run all night

Goin’ to run all day

I’ll bet my money on the bobtail nag

Somebody bet on the bay”

“Quiet Carriage!” a man of position snapped.

“Sorry”

He looked for the source of the music and then saw him. Banjo Gibbon. The fabled pickin’ primate. He was hanging from the luggage rack, effortlessly strumming with his feet.

It was rumoured that Banjo Gibbon has sold his soul to the Devil for a Tyre Swing at Chessington World of Adventures and the ability to play the banjo like no other. In return he had taught the evil one how to eat an orange whilst swinging upside down. A fair deal.

Weather Trader’s Pa had warned of this moment, “When you see Banjo Gibbon, time to put down the pipe and pick up the Holy Scriptures.”

However his father also a passion for verrucas. “Somebody has to love the little critters!” He questioned Pa’s judgement from that day on.

He sang along to the next song,

“Oh Susanna

Oh don’t you cry for me

For I come from Alabama

With a banjo on my knee”

The guard was called and he was put off at Stonehouse. Banjo Gibbon was bundled into Standard Class for the rest of the journey to Gloucester. He decided against playing any more.

Even Satan couldn’t help him in the face of First Great Western’s conditions of carriage.

Banjo Gibbon - Boy He Can Pick!

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