Not Pope Bob On The Pot – “Gutted At Realisation That I Am Not Pontiff”

Hello Folks,

You will note how excited we were when our columnist Bob On The Pot seized the Papal Crown a couple of days ago, only to be usurped by that speccy, Swarthy Latin from Argentina, Frank.

Not Pope Bob On The Pot, has penned the following few words to express his sadness at losing the Papal Seal.

Hello

It’s not everyday you become Pope. It’s not everyday you unbecome Pope! Sadly my first Sermon On The Pot was to be my only one.

I was enjoying my new role to. The Potmobile was very comfy, and my lovely wife Shirley had given the confessionals in St Peter’s a makeover, with new TV’s, Jacuzzi and Minibar fitted.  Revamping transubstantiation was on her to do list as well.

I was gutted when Cardinal Kiddy-Fiddler told me that I was no longer Pope. The reasons were very flimsy;

• I am not Catholic
• I have trouble spelling my name
• My table manners left a bit to be desired
• The answers to life’s problem cannot be solved by the liberal application of cheese
• My rash caused night sweats amongst some of the Clergy
• I was married
• I couldn’t knit

Most of these points are irrelevant and you CAN sort out most of your problems by the liberal application of Cheese.

But I have decided to set up a new religion. Potestantism.

You Have To Hand It To Him!

I’ll be working on the finer details on the Megabus back from Rome, but Gambling, Tax Avoidance, Drink Driving and Free Rash Treatments will all feature as central tenets of Potestantism.

Our laws will be gleaned from the box set of Happy Days, Shirley bought me for Xmas.  “Sit On It!” will be our mantra.

But what really sticks in my craw is that they’ve given the job to an Argenbleedintinian! Jeez these bastards will think that the Falklands will be a doddle for ’em now.

And as for that cheatin’ knobhead Maradona – Hand Of God? Me arse – so I say- Bring It On Pope Diego – keep your hands off Guernsey.

Ham Of God

Laters and don’t forget – Sit On It!

Not Pope Bob I

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Pope Bob On The Pot – The Sermon From The Pot!

Hello

It’s not everyday you become Pope!

Cheers to all the lads down at The Conclave And Acclamation for electing me. Trebles all round. The ring they gave me was lovely, so much so that my lovely wife Shirley has already nipped down to the pawnbrokers to see what it will fetch. Purely in an emergency situation you understand.

Facilities Management in St Peter’s are building a wonderful golden pot for me to be carried around on. The Potmobile.

Shirley has ordered a new water-bed and 56 inch TV for our new pad in The Vatican. The old bed was a bit small and full of bread crumbs! God knows (well if he doesn’t here where will he!) what Pope Benny got up to in it.

Don’t worry about sex though. I’ve been celibate for nearly 15 years now. Shirley really was thinking ahead on that one.

I must say I find all this get up ever so camp! Old fellas walking around in ermine, silk and velvet all telling us how to live our lives, to give to the poor and to abominate gays for wanting to get married? Weird when you think about it.

There’s enough gold and fancy candlesticks to make Liberace green with envy.  He would have made a good Pope. Tinkled the ivories like the best of them, loved a robe, a fine head of hair, had his ring kissed a lot and a fierce opponent of homosexuality (The lawyers told me to put that last bit in).

Anyway must go. Have to write my sermon. Tolerance is the theme (although that referee robbed United last week and should be shot, bleedin’ foreigners).

I will call it The Sermon From The Pot

Amen

Pope Bob I (Shirley says hello!)

Bob foresaw this in his last column for Gingerfightback which you can read here!

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Gingerfightback Columnist Bob On The Pot To Be Proclaimed Pope!

World Exclusive!

Hello Folks,

It is a great day for us here at Gfb as the white smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel toilets and our regular columnist, philosopher and toilet expert, Bob On The Pot was elected by the Conclave of Cardinals to become the next Pope.

“I’m a bit surprised to be honest,” Pope Bob told us, “One minute I am applying ointment to my rash and the next I am being ushered forth amongst all these old geezers in dresses and being adored by the Angels on high! My lovely wife Shirley is delighted – she’s proper religious, watches Songs of Praise and The Antiques Roadshow on a regular basis and reckons that it is about time all these old Queens had a woman leading them. Bless You My Children. Amen. Off to The Doubting Thomas And Duck for a pint to celebrate. Laters.”

Pope Bob Takes His Throne Outside St Peter’s

Bob foresaw this in his last column for Gingerfightback which you can read here!

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