I Have A Face Like Hitler’s Good Testicle – Can I Find Love Aunty Bill?

Aunty Bill

My girl Denise left me for another man.

She texted to say, “I want to be with Jason. He looks great in tan slip-ons and doesn’t possess a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

It sounds like Denise is gone.  If you follow my advice there is a chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Sling backs or ballet pumps are in at the moment).

Customise them by sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands.  This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and Jason will have to raise his slip-on style to compete with you.

There’s a chance that people will throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock).

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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British Politics – Nonsense For A Purpose – An Occasional Series

There was contrived amazement in the Papers about the Racist (UKIP) Party’s  minor success in fooling morons to vote for them on the basis of ignorance, fear and lies, laced with false bonhomie, a pint of ale and a cigarette. The Party’s leader and chief chap, Nigel “I’m Not Sitting Next To You Darkie” Farage has returned to his cowpat to figure out what to say on tiptoe about the election results for the European Parliament.

Nigel used to work in the City of London as a trader.  He is a chap. He doesn’t like foreigners. Or the poor. Or the educated. Or the tolerant.

 

“The Bigger The Lie”

As previously reported by Gfb, the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister are a pair of bollocks, whilst the Leader of the Opposition is a dick.

 

They’re In It Together!

These shots were passed to Gfb by Emrie Self-Assembly, who happened across Rupert Murdoch taking off his underpants after a hard day’s undermining the democratic process. Murdoch was heard to say, “How ya doing down there boys? Still wanna fuck with me? Nothing like a shaved scrotum for comfort is there!”

If anyone thinks the Press is giving so much attention to UKIP because of plans to curb a Newspaper’s ability to hack the phone of  murdered children they are naive fools.

Hi! My Name Is Ed Minibellend

It really is a load of bollocks!

Gawd ‘elp us! Nonsense For a Purpose Indeed

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Should My Boyfriend Be Ironing His Scrotum? – Oily George Answers!

Hello Oily,

My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.

Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls. Apart from singeing around the pubic area and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider?

I must say a smooth, crease free sac is a turn on!

Debbie, Nazeing

Oily Replies;

Debs,

Any health issues? Woman are you insane?

Those once crunchy nuts will be flat as a pancake. Is that what you want….cos that’s what will ‘appen! He should do what I do, hang them out on the clothes line to dry naturally.

Admittedly the weather where I am in Sham City is much more conducive to open air drying. Plus people here are used to seeing others “bits” hanging out left, right and centre although admittedly they don’t usually look as battered bruised swollen and misshapen as mine.

The current tender state of said bits is due to a recent Neighbourhood Watch meeting I attended. I appear to have got the wrong end of somebody’s stick. I was told in no uncertain terms that you cannot pick and choose the neighbour you wish to watch. Voyeurism is not on the menu. In that case count me out.

Oily

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Politicians In Tightly Packed Testicles Pact (WARNING! This Post Contains Digitally Enhanced Testes)

There was amazement in Parliament today, when it was discovered that PM David Cameron and his Deputy, Nick Thingy are actually a pair of testicles.

These revealing shots were passed to Gfb by our brave reporter Emrie Self-Assembly, who happened across Rupert Murdoch taking off his underpants after a hard day’s jowl wobbling to the Leveson Enquiry in London.

Murdoch was heard to say, “Strewth cobber! These budgie smugglers are a tad tight on my knackers. How ya doing down their boys? What’s on Sky tonight?”

For the first time in nearly 50 years, nary a British politician did answer a Murdoch question.

They're In It Together!

Even more surprising was the revelation that Opposition Leader Ed Minibellend has allowed himself to become Murdoch’s penis and is seeking ways prevent the Aussie Press Baron, recently voted “The World’s Most Misunderstood Demagogue” from taking the piss out of him too!

What a way to run a country!

Hi! My Name Is Ed Minibellend

It really is a load of bollocks!

Gawd ‘elp us!

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