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Hello Folks – we are pleased to announce that our lifestyle guru and expert on all things personal, Oily George has taken the time out of his busy filming schedule in the sunny uplands of the LA porn world (he is curently working on an erotic version of The Bridges of Madison County)  to provide some more useful tips about everyday beauty issues.

We hope you find them useful. We do!

Footsore and Unsure!

Hello Oily

What guarantee is there that if I have a pedicure my ped will get better?

Sheila Kneeler, Daventry

Oily Replies,

Sorry Sheila but peds are incurable. I had 5 of them growing all at once in my bedroom. Tried to remove them using a wire brush and some extra truculent oil – which funnily enough I always have plenty to hand. Or foot.I once found one particularly lairy ped – think Ray Winston with a yeast infection…. lying on the outer edge of my festering mind. Caught it and par boiled it with an extra dollop of existentialism. With a nice bottle of Chianti, Mmmmm very tasty.

Oh dear, reading back on this answer to your problem I feel I may have been baking by my pool in the sun waaaaay too long. But I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, just drink heavily. Peds dislike alcohol, it makes them exfoliate.

Regards Oily

Facing The Sack!

Hello Oily

I look after myself, don’t smoke, drink or abuse substances. I run, workout and have a winning smile due to recent dental surgery. My mum thinks I am a bit of a catch. My only problem is a sagging scrotum. It knocks around my knees and when I run they swing to such an extent that people liken me to a Pampas Gaucho swinging his Bolo around. Do you think Botox on my Bollox will help?

Swinging Les, Bristol

Oily Replies,

Les your problem is what exactly? As I often say to complete strangers that I accost in coffee shops here in the Sunshine State……you have to work with what Beelzebub gave you.

I too have big lumpen shapeless bollox. But am proud of them and like to air them at every opportunity.

Unfortunately the judge didn’t quite share my viewpoint and has given me 90 days incarceration. Mind you having a fun time here, never been more popular, especially with my roomie Leatherface Lance. Not a moments rest I tell ya and so much new material for my movies!

Best Wishes

Oily

Trees Company!

Please Help Oily

I have recently discovered that I am largely made of wood (Ash and Elm since you ask). Have you any tips for a skin care regime? I have tried Nivea and the stuff that bird from Friends used to advertise (‘cos I am worth it!) But they just down soak in very well. Any ideas?

Linda Barker, Manningtree

Oily Replies

Linda,

In the Not-In-Front-Of-The-Children market that I cater for – a lot of the actors are, like yourself, made entirely of wood. For my male leads such as Gary Cuprinol, star of such western classics as ‘Git off Your Horse cos I wanna **** it’ and ‘Doc Holliday’s Horny Holster’ this is of course a blessing as it means they are at all times ‘primed’. However woodiness is not so desirable for my leading ladies. Therefore to lessen their stiffness,loosen them up a little, I get my pet poodle Chow Mein to pee into a bowl, mix it with some Blue Oyster Cult and I then Administer the resultant paste all over said actress. Yes readers, you delicate flowers , I apply it in every nook and cranny. It is a task I insist on doing myself as I am after all, a muse to these girls. The result: they lose their wood, transferring it to me! Happiness all round

Anyway Linda I hope this has helped. By the way I always got a real sense of arousal when you were on Changing Rooms. Still fit? Any chance of a pic for my collection? Want me to apply the paste personally? Come and see me in another 30 days or so. I should be out of the clink by then. Assuming Lance unties me. Wonder if he’ll let me keep this gimp outfit…

Best wishes

Oily

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Gingerfightback can reveal that legendary comedian, game show host and meat pie enthusiast, Jim “Look At What You Could Have Won” Bowen has developed a new career as a limbo dancer.

You Can't Beat a Bit Of Bully!

Jim Bowen Limboin’ can be seen this winter at Southport Alhambra where his rubbery frame gets him into all kind of comedic scrapes!

Super smashin’ grayte.

Don’t delay! Tickets are selling like hot cakes!

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 Whatever Happened To……Jim Bowen!

Gingerfightback can reveal that legendary comedian, game show host and meat pie enthusiast, Jim “Look At What You Could Have Won” Bowen has developed a new career as a limbo dancer.

You Can’t Beat a Bit Of Bully!

Jim Bowen Limboin’ can be seen this winter at Southport Alhambra where his rubbery frame gets him into all kind of comedic scrapes! He will be assisted by Bruce Forsyth’s syrup.

Super smashin’ grayte.

Don’t delay! Tickets are selling like hot cakes!

Val Doonican – Closet Ginger and Chicken Lover

Gingerfightback can reveal that legendary light entertainer, crooner and model ship enthusiast, Val “The Beast” Doonican has a torrid private life involving all manner of gingerish goings on coupled with a passion for roast chicken.

As the image below reveals Doonican (real name Dal Voonican) has spent much of his private life cavorting with a ginger wig atop his ol’ Oirish bonce whilst proudly displaying his love for a roast chicken or two.

Saturday Nights Just Aren't The Same - THANK GOD!

Indeed, gfb can further reveal that if you play his seminal hit “ McGinty’s Donkey Nicked Me Shillelagh and Married a Leprechaun Begorrah” backwards the vocals translate to “I like wearing a ginger syrup when I’m sitting on me rocking toilet and fondling me tiny cluckers”. Proof conclusive that Val was indeed bizarre.

Val, shortly to go on tour in Bacon and Cabbage ON ICE! Told gfb;

“Begorrah, to be sure, to be sure, a pint o’ the black stuff! Dat’s me Katie little lady and I love her. Paddy McCarty Sold Me Wife Into Slavery diddle –e – dee”.

So that clears that up then.

Chicken Hats – They Never Caught On

He may have been the greatest boxer the world has ever seen, but we can’t help but think that Mohammad Ali’s idea of natty head gear leaves a little bit to be desired.

Ali was paid a handsome sum by Dixie Tixy Pixie Wicksy Southern Fried Chicken in 1964 to promote Chicken Hats as the natural alternative to cloth based head gear. Sadly the idea did not catch on (although a few Chicken Hats were sold in Guatemala).

Due A Comeback?

The rest they say is history, Ali converted to Islam, refused the Vietnam call up and beat George “Healthy Cook Grill” Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle.

It is just a shame that the pair could not get together before this and team up the chicken hat and healthy cook grill. A healthily cooked chicken on the head would be both a nutritious emergency snack whilst keeping the head warm in winter. Win win.

Lovely

Today Is World Walnut Whip Day!

“I love Walnut Whips,” cooed Nelson from his new home in Torquay, Devon, “Chocolate, fondant and a walnut on top, what is there not to like? And you can balance them on your head because of the flat base. I had to hide them up my back passage on Robben Island though.  You can only imagine the trouble that caused me!”

GFB wanted to celebrate Mandela’s love of the Walnut Whip and so on WWWD, we commissioned our own poet laureate Gingerella to prepare a short ditty on the topics of Walnut Whips and  Nelson Mandela.

Enjoy!

Mandela and The Whip

On the head my son.

If you want some fun you’d use a current bun

And then sit down for tea

What kinda fella would be that fella to use a walnut whip

On the tip of his noble head?

Why what a hero he must be,

To be the fella that doesn’t use an umbrella

When the sky is falling in.

When his country crumbled he didn’t fumble

He reached for a walnut whip

That Noble Fella was Nelson Mandela

A prince of the African plane

He fought out of the shade of the burning sun

With a brim of walnuts and a cusp of chocolate

Victory, but as to the use of the walnut whip

Keep it under your ‘at my son.

Einstein, E and Substance Abuse – A Shocking Gingerfightback Expose!

 

He may have been a boffin type clever dick, but there was an altogether darker side to Albert Einstein.  Whilst he was prattling on about gravity, light and space, Alby developed a fetish for vol au vents.

 

As his biographer Pericard Slippery-Slope explained, “He was convinced that party snacks could unlock the mysteries of the universe. Sausage Rolls, Mini Kiev’s, Canapés, Pretzels and Samosa’s all proved to be false dawns in his research.”

 

That's Why Physicists Shop At Iceland

Slippery-Slope chomped on a mini-spring roll as he continued, “Einstein’s theories about light bending under the power of gravity actually appeared to him when he was eating a vol au vent at a reception for the famous Music Hall star, Arthur Bitter. It was the elliptical shape of the vol au vent he was gnawing on. It was the final piece of the theoretical jigsaw he had struggled so long to find.”

 

Gingerfightback can also reveal that Einstein also pioneered the rave scene.  The picture below shows Alby at a rave at a warehouse in the Kings Cross area of London in the late 1980’s, dropping a tablet commonly known as E.

 

Afraid that his boffinish image would cause problems with the girlies, Einstein also undertook DJ’ing duties at a number of these bashes under the Nome de Plume, MC Relativti and enthusiastically played a wide variety of big beat numbers to get the house a jumpin’ and allow da kids to groove big time.

 

E's are good E's are good.......

It is no surprise then that his great Theory of Relativity reads;

 

E = MC(Squared)

Further evidence can be revealed in his 1992 hit single “Truble Wid Me Relly” in which he raps,

 

“All round me crib I is struggling with Depravity

Ma homies don’t treat me with sufficient Gravity

I’ll shoot dem up ‘cos of all their negativity

Mess wid Albie E, I ain’t got no proper sense of Relativity

So when I think my manor is treated with opprobrium

I’ll mess you up with a space time continuum”

 

Who’d have thought?

Picasso and Fish Fingers

Pablo Picasso was a great painter. Despite an inability to draw feet or hands. GFB would rank him on a par with Rolf Harris.

Many have pondered why he was so great. How did such genius erupt from his brush each time he stroked his canvas? New research conducted by hoity toity arty type Stephanie Steep-Slope has revealed that Picasso had an addiction to smoking Fish Fingers.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

The astonishing discovery was made by Steep-Slope when reading Picasso’s 1976 Christmas Paint By Numbers Annual (which also featured a wonderful pop up Guernica).  The key passage is as follows;

“Yo soy arte. El arte soy yo. Mi secreto? Pues, Pescado. Mucho Pescado. Hasta el punto cuando lo fumo- bonitos cigarrillos hecho de bacalao revuelto. Claro que son muy difíciles a encender, pero muy gratificante. Una vez estrenaba pintar con una caballa. Un gran avance por el mundo del arte. Pescado.

Por desgracia se cayó del lienzo. Mi amante de estos días lo clavado de nuevo y lo vendió por $100,000. Llame ‘Pescado sujetado con clavos’.  

De verdad tengo que luchar por mi arte. Pero seguramente este es el precio de ser un genio, no? Desde Lugo. Tengo que ir me, Los Waltons es en la tele. Nunca perdió un episodio. Mi gusta tanto el culo del madre. Buenos noches John Boy.”

As Steep-Slope told GFB from her loft apartment in Norwich “This doesn’t really explain anything to be honest. ” When GFB pointed out that the paint by numbers element of the Annual’s title may yield a clue as to Picasso’s methodology, Steep-Slope muttered “Philistine” and slammed the phone down.

So not only a love of Cubist minimalism but also an oral abuser of the handiwork of Cap’n  Birdseye!

Who’d have thought?

Ghandi, Scotch Eggs and the fall of the British Empire! At Last! The! TRUTH!!!!!

He may have been a speccy bandy legged slaphead, but boy oh boy did Mahatma Ghandi give the British Empire a good lickin’. But, in a new book, to be serialised in Gibber Monthly, author Miranda Savoury-Snack sheds new light on Ghandi’s methodologies and his devotion, nay slave like worship of the picnic snacker’s favourite hand held source of meat and egg in a lovely crumb based coating, the Scotch Egg.

The book entitled “On me Egg Son – Ghandi, Scotch Eggs and Pacifism”, Savoury- Snack outlines the role of the Scotch Egg in dismantling the Raj.  She told Gingerfightback, “He loved a Scotch Egg, did Mahatma.  Sometimes he would eat four or five a day. Bound his bowels something rotten and terrible gas too. It partially explains the bandy legs, sleeping outdoors and loose fitting garb. Must have been a lot of seepage from him. Poor lad. No wonder he was celibate. But on the plus side negotiations around Indian Independence were concluded rapidly. ”

Crumbs!

There has been a lot of conjecture in India that if Ghandi had developed a passion for say the sausage roll instead of the Scotch Egg, world history would be very, very different today. That has certainly given Gingerfightback something to ponder.

"He's Got Scotch Egg Eyes" (Apologies to Kim Carnes)

What Gandhi  really said;

“Be the Scotch Egg you want to see in the world.”

“Nobody can hurt me without my Scotch Egg.”

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Scotch Eggs. Your Scotch Eggs are so unlike your Christ.”

“Honestly, you wait all day for a Scotch Egg to turn up and then three come along at once.”

“Is that a Scotch Egg in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”

“You don’t have to be a Scotch Egg to work here, but it helps.”

“Some people are on the pitch…..they think it’s a Scotch Egg!…..it is now!”

Pope in Pork Pie Predicament
Pope Anschluss XVI has issued a papal edict “Orbito et Nunc Postulare Jumbo Sausage” which is ordering Bishops to replace their mitres with the meat pies. The Pope, who can’t get enough of meat based savoury snacks has apparently received word from “him upstairs” (that’s right Simon Cowell) that religious leaders wearing meat based products on their bonces will have the crowds flocking back.
We are not so sure……

Pope Pie-us?

Did Leonardo Da Vinci Invent The Yorkshire Pudding?
He was a very clever man. Some say he was years ahead of his time. We would not demur from that fact.   We have discovered previously unseen sketches of the earliest known representation of the Yorkshire Pudding! Is this his greatest work? You decide!

Todo ino theo holeo?

But, being a genius he realised that the hat design needed improvements and came up with this little beauty.

Never wear a Yorkshire Pudding without a chinstrap folks

Further developments led to the inspiration for a hat worn by a pointless Royal at the recent happy event. We think it is tasteful and of course if you are feeling a little peckish – something to nibble on. Stylish, practical and nutritious – what more could a Reneaissance genius want?

Sepp Batter

But cooler than Steve McQueen?

Thank Heavens For Chinstraps

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