Posts Tagged ‘Tanning’

new oily

Hello Oily,

Tanning shops – where do you stand on the debate?

Leslie, Burnt Oak

Oily Replies; 


No standing, I lie prostrate before them, I owe my success, my livelihood and the canyon like crevices on my face to my daily tanning sessions. You will never see a pale Oily.

Cook my little mahogany minx, cook!!


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Britain’s leading Porn Again Christian, Oily George, offers reader some more tips on looking good and feeling GREAT!

Hair Today….

Hello Oily

I recently went to the hairdresser’s for extensions and came out with a one bedroom apartment (with balcony) perched on my head. It has caused a crick in my neck but I never have to worry about overnight accommodation again. What colour should I paint it?

Maureen, Staines

Oily Replies

Oh Maureen you as well? This is becoming all too common these days. Honestly estate agents will try anything to sell a lie. It’s a well known Wikipedia fact that my dear friend and bowel irritant Michael Winner was an estate agent in a previous life. Figures.

Perhaps Maureen you could send me a photo of you facing the camera standing completely naked save for a 6 foot python around your neck and just about covering your ‘party areas’.

I am looking for a one bed condo in the Surrey area for my frequent jaunts to the UK . You don’t tell me if the apartment has an ensuite bathroom and/or well appointed kitchen, so I need to see for myself.

Details, dear girl, details.

Best Wishes


Hello Oily,

I notice from your picture that you have the perfect tan and a body to die for.

I am a pale ginger man who burns when the fridge light goes on. I long for your mahogany look Oily ‘cos it is so sexy and will help me with women. My Dad says I should paint myself brown to save a few bob. He says there a few old tins of paint in the shed I could use to experiment with. And a roller.

I am not so sure as I tried to make soup with paint once and it didn’t taste very nice.

Do you have any tips for the perfect tan Oily?

Albino Sid, Saskatchewan

Hi Sid. I am rather sexy aren’t I. Good thing too because having a 40ft ceiling mirror I am the first person I see each morning so need to look good just to get the engine running.

First off I’d get out of Saskatchewan. Not sure if you saw the BBC3 in depth hour long special ‘Saskatchewan: Is it all that?’ Oh Dear.

So my message to you, Rudi is come here to LA where it is wall to wall sunshine. So much sunshine that they have had to extend the year by 6 days just to fit it all in!

As an Albino you’d be very popular at my ‘specialist’ parties too!

Regards, Oily

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