The Future’s For Foretellin’ Folks – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  Scotland votes for independence from the UK.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

“MESSAGES FROM THE OTHER SIDE……”

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Torture Techniques And Tips – A Handy Guide – By Stench McBain

Hello,

The best way to crack a terrorist?  Veruccas.

I learned to love and cherish my veruccas. Not only were they a food source they also made steadfast companions. Easy to look after and not requiring sustenance apart from a sweaty sock or two, they make the perfect pet for us special forces types.

Terrorists cannot cope with Verucca Boarding. Whenever I whipped out my verucca sock and placed it on the nose of an evil terrorist – Boy oh Boy would that evil terrorist spill the beans.

Even beans he didn’t know about.

Think of it compadre – would YOU like an infestation of these little critters on the end of your conk? Thought not!

The technique was invented by Colonel Jock “McJock” Bollocks who headed up the deep cover Fungal Foot Fighting Force. Jock once took out an Iraqi machine gun nest armed only with a can of Athlete’s Foot spray and a belief in the redemptive qualities of Jesus Christ.

Legend or loon – you decide!

Now in civvy street when I go to the local baths for a swim, I think of all my little verucca chums nestling around the pool’s edge waiting to be called to defend our freedoms.

Thank you  Colonel Bollocks.

 

Read Full Post »

The Future’s For Foretellin’ Folks – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  A Gloucester Old Spot Pig will change the way we view gravy forever by introducing Diet Coke into the recipe.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »

Sooty’s Olympic Diary – Day 5

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Great to see Team GB claim the silver in the three-day eventing. Bunty, Tibby, Lucinda, Rupert and Lavinia all deserve our applause. I managed to get really close to the action this time (although my ginger wig fell off in the water jump).

Sooty tails Zara

Also congratulations to Michael “Bongboy”Phelps for securing his place in Olympic history with 18 medals. A terrific achievement. The sponsorship deal with Rizla is richly deserve. No oil painting though is he!

Shooting is another sport that doesn’t lend itself to radio.

A couple of sports for you to look out for today.

1. Cross Country –  Spain is fuming, Paraguay is livid but I expect the puce faced Canadians to take this one. They are SO cross.

2. Bus Stop Haranguing – First appearance in The Games and long overdue in my opinion. Expect Bolivia’s Juan Martin Del-Irius to feature in the medal shake up but I have an inkling that Team GB’s Larry Nutter and his famous Cheese Diatribe perfected over years at Preston Bus Station to nonplussed passengers waiting to alight the bus to Colne will set the Bus Shelter Arena alive with his angry babbling.

Enjoy The Games! Sooty.

Read Full Post »

Ginger Sooty’s Olympic Report

Hello Folks,

We’ve retained the services of Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS, to provide a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012. Here is his update for Day 1 of events.

Hello everyone, Ginger Sooty here.

Still in shock over McCartney’s plasticine features!!

Well what a day yesterday – Phelps lost to Lochte (Puffing on a bong doing the Butterfly can’t have helped) whilst some DAMN FOREIGNERS didn’t understand that our BRAVE, NOBLE, PLUCKY LADS should have won the cycling gold the moment they tucked their trouser legs into their socks and set of for a pootle around Surrey.

Anyway there are a couple of sports I think you should look out for today.

1. In-Line Irony –  Although Australian, Miscellany At-Large is the red hot favourite for today’s contest, keep an eye out for Team GB!

The banks of empty corporate seats at yesterday’s events, chimes perfectly with the intention of making this  “The People’s Games” and how they will “Inspire Future Generations”.

Now that is ironic!

2. Beach Scratch n Sniff – The men’s heavyweight category may prove to be one of the highlights of the Games. The morbidly obese Italian, Giorgio  Streppto-cocci is defending his title. He is quoted as saying – “I have doubled my weight in six months, not washed my privates or changed my underwear in that time and have been doing a lot of gym work.”

When Giorgio delves into his Budgie Smugglers on Horseguard’s Parade at 3 pm this afternoon, the contents of his crutch may trigger fears of a chemical attack on London. Pack a gas mask. Just to be on the safe side.

Enjoy The Games! Sooty.

Read Full Post »