I Have A Face Like Hitler’s Good Testicle – Can I Find Love Aunty Bill?

Aunty Bill

My girl Denise left me for another man.

She texted to say, “I want to be with Jason. He looks great in tan slip-ons and doesn’t possess a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

It sounds like Denise is gone.  If you follow my advice there is a chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Sling backs or ballet pumps are in at the moment).

Customise them by sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands.  This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and Jason will have to raise his slip-on style to compete with you.

There’s a chance that people will throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock).

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Read Full Post »

Mexican Mescal Madness And My Girl Is Flat! Aunty Bill Please Help!

 

Aunty Bill,

6 weeks ago I was walking along Blackpool Pier, whistling a cheery refrain when a seagull swooped down and pecked me in the unmentionables.

A nearby dog saw this and ambled and sniffed me “downstairs”. Then a monkey, who was eating an ice cream, came over and stuck the cone on me privates.

Finally a rather large Trappist monk leered at me and mimed a spanking motion – I deduced  a form of atonement for my sins.

At no time did my wheelchair bound partner offer to help me fend of these attacks. The monkey let down her tyres and I walked off in a huff with the ice cream cone still plonked on my little stick of Blackpool rock.

Blackpool Council called me this morning to ask when I was going to collect my girlfriend as she was still on the pier and struggling with barnacle build up.

Do you think I should go and collect her or just Fedex her a tyre pump and tell her to get on with it?

Daniel Defoe, Letherhead

Aunty Bill Replies!

Dear Dan

The scenario you describe has all the hallmarks of a sustained sesh on the bong. Seek help (and give me the number of your dealer).

Many years ago I witnessed first hand the damage drugs can do as a similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine (without the appearance of a monkey and wheelchair).

Said friend accompanied me to the city of Hamburg for a football tournament. After running away from an ex mate of the Beatles to avoid buying him a drink (another story for another time), he decided it would be a good idea to team up with a group of Mexicans and partake of a glass of Mescal.

This led to him to “Peyote Pete” and the beginnings of a Mescal Fury.

I myself was a tad messy and in the ensuing imbroglio we lost each other in the crowds of sozzled Mexicans. Some hours later I received a call from a panicked Oily who said he was on a giant gateaux travelling through the Black Forest with no idea how he got there.

It later transpired that he was in fact in a shop doorway near the train station covered in emulsion (Harvest Peach as it turned out, matt from memory).

Let this salutary tale be a warning to you Richard. Just say Nada.

However, If she can wheel herself to the nearest garage she can use the air line for a nominal fee (Jet Garages are free) thus saving you the cost and hassle of Fedexing a pump to her.

Trebles all round!

Aunty Bill

Read Full Post »