Pointless Ginger Wig Applications # 54 – A Sperm

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Jesuits, Spanking And My Girl In A Wheelchair – Is This Love Aunty Bill?

Aunty Bill

6 weeks ago I was walking along Brighton Pier, whistling a cheery refrain when a seagull swooped down and pecked me in the unmentionables.

A nearby dog saw this and ambled and sniffed me “downstairs”. As the dog departed a monkey who was eating an ice cream came over and stuck the cone on me privates.

Finally a rather large Jesuit priest offered to spank me so that I could atone for my sins.

At no time did my wheelchair bound partner offer to help me fend of these attacks and ended up discussing nasty habits with Jesuit. The monkey let down her tyres and I walked off in a huff with the ice cream cone still plonked on my crown jewels.

Brighton Council called me this morning to ask when I was going to collect my girlfriend as she was still on the pier, rusting slightly and struggling with barnacle build up.

Do you think I should go and collect her or just Fedex her a tyre pump and tell her to get on with it?

Richard, Crawley

Aunty Bill Replies!

Dear Richard

I publish your letter to illustrate to other readers the damage long-term drug abuse can have on the human psyche.

The scenario you describe above has all the hallmarks of a sustained sesh on the pipe and I would strongly advise you to seek help for your addiction (and give me the number of your dealer).

Many years ago I witnessed first hand the damage class A’s can do as a similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine (without the appearance of a monkey and wheelchair I hasten to add).

Oily George (for it was he) accompanied me to the city of Hamburg for a football tournament.After spending the afternoon running away from an ex mate of the Beatles to avoid buying him a drink (another story for another time), he decided it would be a good idea to team up with a group of Mexicans and partake of a glass of Mescal.

This rapidly turned into Mescal fury and led to him to “Peyote Pete” who proceeded to liberally pour Mescal down Oily’s gullet.

I myself was in no great shape and in the ensuing imbroglio we somehow lost each other in the crowds of sozzled Mexicans. Some hours later I received a call from a panicked Oily who said he was on a train travelling through the Black Forest with no idea how he got there.

It later transpired that he was in fact in a shopping mall near the train station covered from head to toe in emulsion paint (Harvest Peach as it turned out, matt from memory).

Let this salutory tale be a warning to you Richard. Just say Nada

However if events really did unfold as you describe I’d get the hell outta Brighton and let the Council deal with it all.

If she can wheel herself to the nearest garage she can use the air line for a nominal fee (Jet garages are free) thus saving you cost and hassle of Fedexing a pump to her.

Trebles all round!

Aunty Bill

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Fences Of The Famous – An Occassional Series #2

Hello!

“All the world’s a fence.”

Like doubts, we all have them or know someone who has them. Fences that is.

What does your Fence say about you?  Phantom Decker? Patio Poseur ? Wind Damaged? In Need Of Creosote?

Who knows? Who cares! 

Here is the Fence of a famous person. Can you guess who it belongs to?

Colonial Decking

 

Whose Fence Is That Above?

The Pope!

Here is His Holy Fencityness enjoying his Fence and having a natter with his neighbour in the process. Do you think he is a fan of the Lattice Mass?

If you have any photos of fences of the famous please keep them to yourself!

Here is Prince Charles enjoying his fence

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Barry Belcher – The Mystic Milkman’s Predictions For 2014

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I predict predictions, with various degrees of accuracy. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk, eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. December 2012 – Like The Mayans I believe the world will end on 21st December 2012.

2. 2014 – Feet will be bigger in 2014 by an average of 7.54% per toe.

3. July 2014 –   Nelson Mandela will finally depart the earth for a better place.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Elaine, Walthamstow

The cat ate it.

Barbara, Adelaide

Mum kept the receipt in case you didn’t like the blouse.

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Bo Bing thinks velcro fasteners would be a safer bet for you.

Andre, Biarritz

Pierre says not to worry about the faulty wiring in the toaster. It was a mistake anybody could make and he doesn’t blame you.

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Is That Mr Spock With A Sausage On His Head?

Yes! – “It’s meat Jim, but not as we know it………….”

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Egg Salad And Sexually Transmitted Diseases – The Truth – By Oily George

Oily

My mate reckons you can catch herpes from egg salad – is this true?

Thick Dave, London

Oily Replies;

Dave

He meant hairpin. Herpes you will get from the bus seats if you sniff them too much. Thats what happened to my friend Diesel. Very painful and the community service just added to his woes

Anyway Dave, must go. My friend might be barred from the buses but cinema seats open up a whole new world of opportunity. Apparently.

Oily

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Pointless Ginger Wig Adaptations – The Taj Mahal

Here is The Taj Mahal with a ginger wig plonked on top!

Here is Mount Everest with a ginger wig plonked on top!

Is there anything you would like to see with a ginger wig? (Or any hair colour come to that!)

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Is Nelson’s Column Really A Giant Sausage?

Yes!

Here is the leaning tower of Pisa being supported by a giant sausage – Amazing!

As legendary actor Tom Hanks said, “I like towers and I like sausages so this is a win win for me.”

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Is That A Giant Sausage Being Used To Prop Up The Leaning Tower Of Pisa?

Yes!

As legendary actor Tom Hanks said, “I like towers and I like sausages so this is a win win for me.”

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2013 – Pope Benedict will step down from the papacy to be replaced by the first African Pope.

2. May 24 2013 –  Smoking sand will be  made compulsory in the UK.

3. December 25 2014 – An animated remake of the Godfather about a bricklaying fish will smash box office records. The Hodcodfather is coming to a cinema near you soonish!

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Steve, Leicester;

Try the knife drawer – from Cousin Bet.

Eleanor, Moscow;

Look under the wobbly step – from Aunt Slobodan

Liang Bo in Shanghai

All men are shits! – Your mother!

Luigi, Verona

Find the man with the name Alfonso on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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