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Aunty Bill

With all the rain we’ve been having, I’ve been putting the Wife to work fetching and carrying logs from the bottom of the garden. She’s equipped for the inclement weather; sturdy pair of Crocs; plus fours and a rather fetching Tri-corn hat.

However last night after a heavy downpour, she is now marooned, bobbing about on the back lawn. I am scared of water and the cat can’t swim.

How do I proceed? The fire’s nearly out and its getting a bit parky in here.

Driftwood Dave

Cheam

Aunty Bill replies;

Dave

I assume your Wife can’t swim as she would have tried to reach dry land by now. Ensure the wood is kept above head height. If she passes the house, see if she can throw some of the smaller logs to you to keep the fire going. 

Best bet is to see which way the wind is blowing and hope she’ll either wash up on the neighbour’s fence or she is blown towards the house where you can retrieve the logs from her and wait for the waters to subside.

Scout round the kitchen to see if there is anything for her to eat whilst in the water. If you have apples these have the advantage of being able to float. She can store them on the corners of her hat.

Tins float well BUT tin openers DON’T so this may be a no no. If you throw her a tin, make sure you don’t hit her on the head.

Hard boiled eggs are a goer as is Spam (sliced not tinned). But first check out if Cheam has a shark problem – sharks can smell Spam from a distance of over one mile away.

Sing to her from an upstairs window;  “Message in a Bottle” maybe, the theme from the Titanic would go down well (excuse the pun) – maybe  even “Yellow Submarine”!

Aunty Bill

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