Simon Cowell Rebrands Christmas Cowellmas To Demonstrate His HUMILITY!

Gingerfightback has learned that Jesus and Santa Claus have been bought by THE GREATEST man in the world Simon Cowell and Christmas has been rebranded “Cowellmass”.

Pop svengali and high fibre enthusiast Simon told Gfb, “I am great. Everybody knows that and it is fitting that, by popular demand, December 25th is named after me as it shows my greatness and enormous humility.  I will be delivering kids’ prezzies myself tomorrow night. To make the day even better for these whelps they will receive a photo of me. They can then adore me to their heart’s content. As a result of this act of magnificent munificence I have soiled myself and need a new nappy.”

Here is the snap of Simon your kids will receive. What a great guy he is.

Read Full Post »

Simon Cowell’s No Direction Release New Single!

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “Energy Price Rise Hike Stomp (The Freeze To Death Remix) is set to top the Charts.

The band, currently in Manchester evicting disabled people from their homes, are confident that their new folky sound will win over new fans. As David “Cotswold Bladder” Cameron explained, “We love Mumford and Sons, waistcoats, beards and banjos! So it is Hey nonny nonny ja ja nonny – old chap! Shoot that serf please Fotheringham.  Stoke the Aga as well.”

The Boys Show Orf Their Dance Routine

The band’s spokesman George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like that fat prole Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he’s fat. Wanna buy a nuclear power station?”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who recently calmed the Oceans by raising his right eyebrow was quoted as  saying “My pants are full of poo such is my excitement around this single. Must go, The Dalai Lama needs some advice on inner peace.”

 

Read Full Post »

Sarah Palin’s Lovelife!

 

Hello,

It’s been a while, but regular readers of Gfb will note our delight in making up the love life of Sarah Palin.

We previously reported that she was stepping out with Former Pope, Hitler Youth The First.

This was after Tanktop McBain, Gfb’s lead reporter learned that Palin’s on/off romance with hunky wonderman Simon Cowell  ended.

 

The doyen of the Pea Tarty (who has spoken out about her fear of Leprechauns from Ireland spreading Leprosy) was being consoled by friends after Simon was seen stepping out with his own ego in a classy Anchorage nightspot.

So we are grateful that Pope “The Falklands Are British Mate” Argy has stepped in and taken Sarah to Salsa Lessons in Jerusalem.

The pair are rumoured to be deeply in love.

“He’s a celibate. I love fish too. Especially with parsley sauce. It’s a match made in heaven! And his frocks are to die for!” Sarah has told a close pal.

The Pope is remaining tight lipped about the rumours.

“This is all cobblers,” the Vatican’s press office told us.

Read Full Post »

Is That A Ginger Simon Cowell Sporting A Goetta Sausage Pattie On His Head?

Yes!

This effort is in response to a request by that very nice man from Cincinnati USA, A Frank Angle who recently visited a Goetta Sausage Festival.

Goetta sausages heralded from Germany and contain “iron cut” oats (we don’t know either). But we all know from recent reports that Simon has certainly had his oats!

We have a few more requests to get through over the next few weeks but if there is anyone you would like to see sporting a food product on their head, get in touch and we will see what can be done!

Gingerfightback – finding strength through the sausage.

Read Full Post »

Simon Cowell’s No Direction – New Hard Rock Direction?

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “Whole Lotta Gove” is set for release next week. The song, a reworking of the Led Zeppelin classic cock rocker is a paean to the extraordinary talents of the Education Secretary Michael “Something Odd About Him”Gove, seen here drumming with the band recently.

“Yoo need Schoolin’……”

The band are currently recording their new album, “Blame The Poor – They Smell“. The album will feature a clutch of new songs including;

Fresh Vegetables Scare Northerners

All In It Together? Mugs!

Life In The Faslane (Trident Mix)

Love Me Love My Bedroom Tax

Near And Farage (The Petty Bigot Mix)

When I’m 97 (I Can Retire)

Climate Change Denier Stomp – (Ft MC Fracker)

To Be A Jeremy Hunt (Cockney Rhyming Slang Mix)

Whole Lotta Gove

For Those About To Be A Workshy Single Parent With A Foreign Name In A Gay Marriage We Salute You (2015 Election Strategy Anthem)

As David “Pitt The Closure” Cameron explained, “This Long Player is going to be our best yet, we’ve even got MC Obama playing his Drones!” There’s a crease in my scrotum Fotheringham.”

George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, simply sneered and said “Prole.”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has recently confirmed that the Queen’s left buttock features a tattoo of him told us, “This album is so good that my nose fell off when I first heard it. Really. Wanna buy a watch?”

He Is

Read Full Post »

Simon Cowell’s No Direction Issue New Single – World Exclusive!

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single  “We Need A War – Any Kinda War!” is set for release on May Day. The B -Side is a reworking of The Supremes Classic, cleverly retitled “UKIP Hurry Love”.

The band, currently Ooooop North,throwing fresh vegetables at obese people, are confident that the song marks a new direction for their music. As David “Cotswold Crib” Cameron explained, “We gonna fuck da poor and make us all greedy yet needy, d’ya feel me? Oi Chunkster, wanna carrot? Buff the Topper please Fotheringham.”

George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, said “This is gonna be bigger than TB!”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has recently re-wrote the entire works of Shakespeare “as it lacked oomph,” said “I am soiled with excitement about this new single. It’s got words and everything. No, really. It’s right up there with The Birdy Song.”

He Is

Read Full Post »

Train Travel Tales #36 – The Impressionist

The Impressionist

“And this is my carrot!” The man placed his hand on his head and wiggled his fingers. So far he had shown me his impression of a potato, turnip and broccoli. They were all remarkably similar, involving him leaning forward slightly and staring at me with a haunted, bug eyed  look.

At least the carrot involved a hand gesture.

“Very good,” I lied.

“Thanks. Do you want to see my Kidney Bean? I  can also do Pinto, Borlotti and Butter Beans. Still working on the Broad Bean though.”

“You should go on Britain’s Got Talent with this act. Simon Cowell will love it.”

“Do you think so? Really?”

“Don’t see why not. They have all sorts on there.”

“That’s right.” I could hear the cogs whirring in his brain.

“I’ll have a word with my brother. He does a brilliant wheat impression. Barley and oat as well. But not rice. He nearly drowned once doing his impression of rice in a paddy field. But we could be a double act! Him cereals me vegetables!”

“Don’t forget about the pulses.”

“Cheers!”

He hadn’t bought a ticket and tried to bribe The Guard with his cauliflower impression, which was remarkably similar to his other vegetable mimicry in that he leaned forward slightly and stared at The Guard with a haunted, bug eyed  look.

“Don’t care if you are a leg of lamb with all the trimmings. No ticket. No journey.” The Guard was correct but harsh. I was hoping the man did an impression of a leg of lamb with all the trimmings. But he didn’t.

He was put off at Stonehouse Station. As the train rumbled passed, he smiled at me and then reprised his carrot. I raised my cup of tea towards him. It was the best impression of a carrot I had ever seen. Come to think of it, it was the only impression of a carrot I had ever seen.

Read Full Post »

Is That Britney Spears With A Sausage In Her Hair?

Yes!

You can see Tom Cruise with a sausage in his hair here!

Read Full Post »

Simon Cowell’s No Direction Issue New Single – World Exclusive!

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb’s Showbusiness Editor, Matt Finish that their new single  “Fuck The Poor” is set to top the Christmas Charts.

The band, currently in Manchester spitting on the disabled, are confident that their harder “urban” sound will win over new fans. As David “Cotswold Crib Mudafucker” Cameron explained, “We is getting street level bro, y’get me? An’ bashin’ da poor is where we is at innit? Polish the brogues please Fotheringham.”

The band, are hoping to capitalise on the success of their last single “London Inter Bank Offer Rate Blues” which topped the charts in June. Or so we think as nobody believes the sales figures.

The band’s spokesman George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osbourne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like that fat prole Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he’s fat. Mind you I bet his totty is handy with the cane. RATHER!.”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has recently calmed the Oceans by raising his right eyebrow was quoted as  saying “I have to wear a nappy at the moment such is my excitement around this single. Must go, Nelson Mandela needs some lessons in humility.”

He Is

Read Full Post »

No Direction’s New Single! World Exclusive!

Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb’s Showbusiness Editor, Matt Finish that their new single  “London Inter Bank Offer Rate Blues” will be released in a few years time when we have forgotten about recent events.

The Single, a homage to the Bob Dylan classic, Subterranean Homesick Blues, is sure to fire the boys  back to the top of the hit parade! (Eventually).

The band, currently on tour anywhere but Europe,  are hoping to capitalise on the success of their last single “In The Pockets of The Bankers” which was a collaboration with top DJ, Bob “Double” Diamond.

The band’s spokesman George “Ozzie” Osbourne, said “We are really excited about this single. It’s really ballsy. Not like that fat prole Ed Balls though. I hate him. He smells. And he doesn’t have servants! Just off to flog my fag.”

The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has lodged a legal challenge to scientists for failing to name the Higgs Boson particle after him, was quoted as saying “I am constipated with excitement about this single. Must go, the Dalai Lama is here to give me a rub down.”

He Is

Read Full Post »