The Future’s For Foretellin’ Folks – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now.

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  Scotland votes for independence from the UK.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

“MESSAGES FROM THE OTHER SIDE……”

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Ed Sheeran Talks About His Sausage

Ginger troubadour, Ed Sheeran was interviewed again by Gfb about music, Taylor Swift,  his pet sausage Dennis and his passion for coach holidays.

46 year old Ed, whose new single “I Managed To Rope Pharrell In” is released, soon told Gfb’s Mandy Trifle, “The collaboration with Pharrell came about because we both wear hats! I like beanies that smell a bit in the rain, not the fancy pants ones that Vivienne Westwood designs for him. When Dennis, my pet sausage also pointed out that we were both black and Ginger, it seemed silly not to do a duet.”

Ed 27, also explained how he came to collaborate with beanpole pop superstar Taylor “Hammers Of Justice” Swift. Their duet, “I Managed To Rope Taylor In” topped the charts.

“Dennis pointed out that the since both Taylor and I are white, women and been on a date with Harry Styles from No Direction. It seemed silly not to do a duet. It went to #1 in 46 countries including Belgebourg, a place that doesn’t even exist!”

Redhead Ed, 33 told us that he is knackered and needs a holiday. “My beanie needs a wash. So I’ve booked a coach trip around the Lake District for me and Dennis to watch sheepdog trials. I like sheep. Do you? Baa Baa.”

Come By Lad!

 

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The Op Was A Disaster And Now I Am Part Sheep! – Help Me Aunty Bill!

Hello Aunty

I recently had a new leg sewn on. Unfortunately the surgeon had been on the ale for several days and sewed a leg of lamb on by mistake. Whilst this caused initial embarrassment my boyfriend said not to worry as his head is made of cauliflower and his elbows are made of roast potatoes.

He said he always fancied roasting me and the leg of lamb just seems to spur him on.

Should I be worried?

Baaarbaaara, Sheppey

Dear Baaarbaaara;

I wouldn’t be too worried, this is early days and after allowing the leg to knit fully, a bit of lop sided walking should be possible with the aid of a shepherds crook for support.

Ewe should be aware that in less developed countries where prosthetics are in their infancy, animal/vegetable substitutes have been used for many years to replace missing or deformed body parts. In the Ewe K it’s still a relatively new form of surgery and considerably cheaper than going for the real thing.

Whilst out and about you’ll attract attention and the odd barbed comment but a quick word from the cauliflower kid and dig in the ribs from his Maris Pipers should avoid any unpleasant incidents.

You may be interested in reading the story of the Kathmandu Ken, the blind postman, who had the head of a domestic cat transplanted on to his shoulders after attending the vet instead of the local hospital (an easy mistake to make if you can’t see). His inspiring stories of being able to see in the dark, chase mice for food, sleep for 18 hours a day and clean his own arse make for truly inspiring reading.

Just keep the mint sauce under lock & key as you don’t want to be a midnight feast for your root cropped beau.

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Sheep And The War On Terror – By Stench McBain – Ginger Ninja Warrior One Man War Gone Rogue Gone Bad

As ex-special forces, I am an expert at “blending in” with my surroundings to achieve the most important goal of rogue ginger warriors – surprise.

I demonstrate this in my latest book, “Béchamel Death Squad – The Lasagna Years”. Here is an extract from Chapter 4, “Sweat The Onions – Then Decapitate”.  

“In the mountains for 64 days. Still no sign of The Evil Terrorist. Sent our sharpshooter sheep Stevenson into a forward position with the orders to watch the road for any sign of activity.

“Baa.” He replied.

I had wondered about a sheep’s ability to be a sharp shooter and how in the name of Oliver North and all things shady, a ruminant had passed the selection tests. Let alone pull a trigger. Still that is for the Brass to determine.

But at least a sheep does not draw attention as it traverses the lonely mountain cols armed only with a bazooka, big gun and a love of one’s country.

Point Man Jellytits O’Loon,  recommended we eat Stevenson.  No. Orders were Orders and I’m not much of a mutton man in all honesty.

On day 65 The Evil Terrorist and his motley crew of cutthroats and knaves ambled toward Stevenson.

ET cried,”Sim salabim, eye of a goat, tail of a coat, a beast that yields a tasty, nutritious snack at a price that won’t break the bank! It is a sign from the heavens of the righteousness of our heroin supply business.” (My Farsi is a bit rusty and this may not be the 100% correct translation).

“Baa.”

In the ensuing gunfight, The Evil Terrorist was slain. In the movie that was made of this action, Sharpshooter Sheep II,(Stevenson was played by Mark Wahlberg) the sheep is credited with firing the shot that slew The Evil Terrorist. It was me actually. Who after all seriously believes a sheep can pump an evil terrorist fulla lead?

Oscars Being Mentioned!

Stevenson is now Foreign Secretary.  

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The Future’s For Foretellin’ Folks – By The Mystic Milkman

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I haven’t been very well. Didn’t see that coming.

Without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2014 – A man with large knees but low self-esteem will swim The Atlantic. Non Stop. Underwater. He will be venerated by all and held up as a role model for today’s feckless youth.

2. May 24 2015 –  A Gloucester Old Spot Pig will change the way we view gravy forever by introducing Diet Coke into the recipe.

3. December 25 2015 – Lance Armstrong will marry his crack pipe in a small, family only affair in Las Vegas.

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Mary, Banbury;

You left the tin of peas on the bus

Alexi, Minsk;

You’ll find the pencil in the bread bin

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Agreed!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

Read Full Post »