Posts Tagged ‘Sex’


Several weeks ago I watched your stunning adult themed remake of Cash In The Attic on the local cable adult themed channel. Will another series of Gash In The Attic be made?

Knock Kneed Nancy, The Wirral

Oily Replies;

I believe so Knock Kneed Nancy. We are filming in Amsterdam. Hash n’ Gash in the Attic I believe it is tentatively called. I sent my researchers there last weekend to find suitable locations. They have not been seen since……..


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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short


Dear Aunty,

My wife and I have been married for over 80 years and are now both in our hundreds. I am happy just to sit by the fire, on fire and file me bunions. However Maude has recently started vehicle maintenance classes at the local college.

Whilst I have no objection, I am disturbed by her constant references to giving my “starting handle a good tug” and checking that my “crank” is in working order. This isn’t the women I married all those years ago.

Any advice?

Henry Ford


Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Henry

Whilst the delights of filing your bunions satisfies your cravings, Maude obviously desires more in the twilight of her years.Show an interest in her new found direction. Tell her if you can buff her headlamps she can by all means give your starting handle a tug. Next time you’re both working on that dodgy gearbox of hers ask if she can pass you the spanners as she tightens your nuts.

With time you’ll see the pleasure she derives from getting down and dirty with a set of jump leads (be careful there though old timer) and use the opportunity to regularly check her big end is in working order.

There’s more to life than Lumbago and bunions (to paraphrase Morrissey)

Toot toot!


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I’m still struggling to take the Christmas pounds off. Apart from playing havoc with my rash my lovely wife, Shirley commented that I was close to putting Buddha to shame in the old girth department. Harsh I thought as I took a well earned rest after wrestling the sock from my right foot. Bit of a fighter that one. Still got a bit of elastic in the nylon.

But the mention of Buddha got me thinking.

As I scanned The Sun whilst on the bog, there was no mention of how to live a good Buddhist life. Well not in the Racing Section anyway. I thought Ying and Yang were the name of the Pandas in London Zoo (They never had sex neither – I know the feeling) and used to smother Feng Shui with Curry Sauce after wobbling home from the Swollen Gland on a Friday Night. Never met Harry Krishna neither. Must be a nice bloke – he’s had a religion named after him.

Shame my Uncle Harry never managed that trick. “Harry – Harry, Harry – Harry Feltham” has a certain tranquil quality don’t you think? He was a roofer as well. An existential extension could have been on the cards. If I knew what existential meant. Heard some bloke say it on BBC2 once. Knew it wasn’t At Home Wth The Ice Cop Chase Border Guards  straight away. (Great show that by the way).

Then I spotted it. 3.15 at Kempton Park – Roly Poly Fat Boy. Put  twenty on him to win and he romped home!

Thanks Buddha! Although my journey  for spiritual enlightenment continues.

No it doesn’t.



You can read more of Bob’s musings whilst on the pot here and here. Your lives will be infinitely richer for doing so.

No you won’t.

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Hello Oily

You are great and so sexy – how do you do it?

Shiney Sheena, Wisconsin

Why heeelllooooo Sheena,

Kind of you to say so and thank you for the photo. Usually I have to ask/badger/beg my ladies to send their portraits but looking at you, my you are enthusiastic. And ambidextereous. A fact I am logging in the darkest recesses of my febrile mind.

How do I maintain my sexiness? Well as you can see from my profile, I model myself on close personal friend and Texan Oil Spill, George Hamilton.

The dear chap has taught me so much about how to slither through life. He was the inspiration that got me into the How-Do-They-Do-That? market that I cater for.

I doff my fedora to the slothful one


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Hello Oily,

Foraging in the attic the other day I came across a false leg once owned by my Aunt Claire. Often wonder where she is. Last I heard she was opening a chain of shops selling cheap jewellery. Now bankrupt I’d imagine. The way of the High Street it seems.

To get back to my point. The leg got me thinking. I’m kinda lonely.What if I was to go onto Ebay and buy some more lady parts? I could build my own girlfriend. We could talk, hug, maybe even make love puddles together. Good idea or am I a freak?

Hans Lecter

Straightjacket City

Oily Replies;

A wonderful idea!

A variant of this was done by a dear friend and fiend of mine Norman Bates some 50 years ago in the US. It worked for him for sure. And he had a very successful motel business which would probably still be going strong – and smelling even stronger – if the corporate chains hadn’t taken over.

Your question raises a very serious issue about today’s society. In an extensive survey that I made up this morning in the shower it was PROVEN BEYOND DOUBT that in just ONE street in East London MORE people live ALONE than in the WHOLE of the street across way.

To me this shows irrefutably that there needs to be more kink in everyone’s lives. It will ease the loneliness.

To get you started I have a special offer. If you buy 30 of my DVD’s within the next 14 days I will throw in a litre of my oil PLUS a battery operated arm. Vital when your own hand locks. Just let me know if you are a righty or lefty and we can get it off and thus get you off, as soon as possible.

Say No to Mr Lonely!

Oily- The Caregiver.

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the country’s leading Transgender advice columnist, Aunty Bill has helped literally thousands of people in his/her lifetime. Now out of solitary confinement for the theft of winter vegetable soup, still vehemently denied, Aunty Bill’s cell in his/her Open Prison in Worcestershire has become a beacon of hope for many.

Dear Aunty Bill,

Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.

She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.

Do I?

L’esca’lator, Hackney

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear L’esca’lator,

The short answer is yes.

For sometime Scientists have been aware of the link.

Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (Antiques Roadshow is best avoided unless swathed in Bacofoil.)

Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.

Althoughnot certain, she will probably give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!

Let us know how you get on.

Aunty Bill

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Hello Oily

Try as I might, I cannot get the man of my dreams to notice me. He is tall, handsome, buck toothed with personal hygiene issues. I am currently invisible and think that this may have something to do with it.

What can I do Oily?

Paula, Taunton

Oily Replies;

Paula, people are becoming invisible every day. I have made a documentary nay, a social commentary – on this very subject.

What I do is I take on the cloak of invisibility and explore four aspects of every day life.

I film female welders at the end of their shift as they let their hair down of a weekend. The following week I am with the convent nuns of the Mother Theresa Church of Extreme Holiness and I am there as they pray and play.

The third episode is about life in an 18 year olds Swiss Girls Finishing me off school and the final one is the heart rending tale of the trials and tribulations of the Santa Monica Beach Volleyball team in the G String Championships.

I don’t mind telling you that by the end of the filming I was spent. Red raw I was. Very emotional. “The Bulging Cloak Of Invisibility” Is available now on DVD.



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Hello Oily

As a man who knows about classy erotica, would you put pickle in a cheese sandwich?

Gert, Munich

Oily Replies,

Hey Gert,

In the lather-me-in-mayo-and-spank-my-bare-botty market that I cater for, a cheese and pickle sandwich is staple fare for actors and crew alike.

In fact it is a well known but mainly ignored fact that when sandwiches were invented in the 16th Century by rakish dandy, the Earl of Pastie, sex didn’t exist. But if it did he doubtless would have enjoyed such sumptuous fare

Anyway you are getting me reet peckish, I need my own particular sandwich.

Kirsty! Tabitha! it’s Banana Splitz time. I got the banana, my sweet little eye candies.



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new oily


When I look at a photo of you I think of one word. Sexy Beast. More importantly what are your views on whether Scotland should become an independent McNation.

 Jock McJock, Jocktown

McOily Replies;

Hoots Mon!

This talk of Scottish independence reminds me of a true story about Sean Connery. True in the sense that I am making it up as I go along. In 1971 Sean, George Best, Warren Beatty and I were at an 8 day Miss World Sexathon in Monte Carlo.

It was a sort of All You Can Eat buffet. And boy did we dine.

Sean told me he had very strong views on Scottish Independence, “Och aye laddie the noo. I get strongly criticised for no livin’ in shiteholes like Galashiels, but I’m fiercely patriotic. Sure I think they should build up that big wall an keep thon buggers oot. I love haggis n fried mars bar me. I have a sporran too. And bagpipes. I just prefer chasin’ skirt aroond the world likesay ya ken ya f**kin  ****. Now wheres thon Miss Thailand?”

Yes, I too worried how he morphed into Begbie from Trainspotting before my very eyes. But such was the hedonism of those days!

Scotland still has a lot of oil. Nice………….


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new oilyOily

My mate reckons you can catch herpes from egg salad – is this true?

Thick Dave, London

Oily Replies;


He meant hairpin. Herpes you will get from the bus seats if you sniff them too much. Thats what happened to my friend Diesel. Very painful and the community service just added to his woes

Anyway Dave, must go. My friend might be barred from the buses but cinema seats open up a whole new world of opportunity. Apparently.


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