Posts Tagged ‘Santa Claus’

Gingerfightback has learned that Jesus and Santa Claus have been bought by THE GREATEST man in the world Simon Cowell and Christmas has been rebranded “Cowellmass”.

Pop svengali and high fibre enthusiast Simon told Gfb, “I am great. Everybody knows that and it is fitting that, by popular demand, December 25th is named after me as it shows my greatness and enormous humility.  I will be delivering kids’ prezzies myself tomorrow night. To make the day even better for these whelps they will receive a photo of me. They can then adore me to their heart’s content. As a result of this act of magnificent munificence I have soiled myself and need a new nappy.”


Here is the snap of Simon your kids will receive. What a great guy he is.

simon_cowell goetta copy

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Hello! Ma Fightback and I are heading to Germany for the weekend.

So an old friend of Gingerfightback, The Tight Fisted Traveller is reliving his trip to Lapland last year.

Enjoy the festive nonsense . To make sense of it read Part 1 here

The Tight Fisted Traveller Goes To Lapland – Part 2

The story so far – Contour D. Klepto ace cheap traveller has reached Sweden on his epic quest to find Santa. But all is not as it seems……

Day 31 – Still bobbin in Bothnia – befriended by a Cod who I call Bob.

Day 36 – Through the fog I spy the prow of a ship. As it draws near I see that it is a long ship of Viking Yore! I fish in my rucksack and pull out my DVD of The Vikings, wave it furiously and cry, “ODIN!”

Day 36 – Relieved to see the Gothenburg Viking And Cod Appreciation Society. Although it is an emotional farewell to Bob the Cod. Well as emotional as you can be with a Cod.

Day 36 – “ODIN!” I cry once more. Bjorn, the captain (and advocate of Cod love) cajoles me.

Day 38 – Gothenburg – After a night of wenching, cleaving and Connect 4, I bid goodbye to The Crew of “The Ryvita” and begin the walk north to Lapland. Bjorn, with a tear in his eye, thrusts Sweden’s most sacred object in my hand. Abba’s Greatest Hits.

Day 39 – Stockholm – Whilst whistling Super Trouper, I am chased by gang of Abba Fundamentalists who live their lives according to the lyrics of this mythical four piece. Bennybjorn Law is a growing cult in Scandinavia and like North Africa there is talk of an Abba Spring.

Day 39 – Stockholm – to avoid Abba Fundamentalists I insert myself into a IKEA flat pack storage unit in the grounds of a giant IKEA superstore. Sleep.

Day 41 – Awake to find myself and other items of reasonably priced flat pack furniture heading north! Whistle Dancing Queen to raise my spirits.

Day 43 – Umeå – Search in my rucksack and find long lost Reindeer suit. I name myself Volvo. Join herd of Reindeer that are being shipped north for the Christmas tourist season. Discover that pig impersonation is more fun than reindeer impersonation.

Day 44 – Northern Sweden – A Buck takes a shine to me. His antlers are very sharp. After darning the hole in my reindeer suit I make a break for it – and begin the trudge north. Whilst humming the tune to The Winner Takes It All – a pack of Abba Fundamentalists, all sporting blue mascara, crocheted skull caps and platform boots appear from the forest and give chase.

Day 67 – I finally out-run the Abba Horde and find myself on the Lapland border. Phlegmatic people. The sight of a careworn traveller in an ill-fitting Reindeer outfit does not perturb them.

Day 73 – Lasse a manicurist offers me a lift. As we drive he plays traditional folk melodies on his nail clippers. I crave Abba.

Day 75 – Bid Lasse adieu. My cuticles have never looked better!

Day 80 – I am in Lapland! It is the Arctic equivalent of Hooters. I decide to stay for a short while.

Day 96 – What is there to say about Lapland? Topless elves pole dance, pixies snort cocaine from the bellies of nubile fairies and Rudolph’s red nose is clearly due to an ongoing relationship with Eggnog.

As for Santa? Ho Ho Ho as Snoop Dogg’s Santa might say.

Disappointed but it is mid-May by the time I arrive, but I did save a fortune!

Price Comparison

Lapland Wonder Tours To Santa’s Grotto Flights; London to Enontekio – Time 2 hrs 30 minutes 2 Day Package – £899 per person

Tight Fisted Traveller

Time Taken 2,306 Hours Travel Costs – Nil!

You Decide!

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