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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

We recently received news about this person who if you remember found herself in a bizarre love triangle…….

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

Aunty Bill

Alison wrote this moving letter to Aunty Bill last week………

Hello Aunty Bill,

Thank you so much for your advice regarding my husband’s dalliance with my iron lunged Dad.

I turned all the knobs to maximum.  The Iron Lung sped through the front door and headed south for Bristol. As it did so, it set a new land speed record for Iron Lungs, beating the old record by over 350 miles per hour!

Dad became a celebrity and left my husband for a woman who has made her home in a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel. She sits in the fold out child seat most of the day, swearing at passers-by whilst Dad is happy to lie in his lung with a crash helmet on in case it takes off again.

My husband pleaded with me to take him back. But I didn’t. I was strong.

Instead a very nice man who read about Dad’s speed record in July’s edition of “Pimp My Lung” contacted me with a view to forming a relationship. Neville is passionate about the world of artificial respiration and we have struck up a marvellous caring relationship (even if he only gets aroused if I wear defibrillator).

Without your advice I would not have found my dream man and would have been up the creek without a paddle (just a little ER/A&E joke there!)

Stand back and charge to 200!

Thanks Aunty!

Alison

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

Dear Aunty,

Three weeks ago I met a really great guy. He is honest, sincere, satisfying and great with kids. Last week he asked me to move in with him. I went round his house and it was lovely. Roof, walls, doors the whole kit and keboodle. My only problem is that he has only a right hand side (his left being lost during a re-enactment of Pa Walton’s lumber yard at a Walton’s Fanclub meeting in 1986).  Do you think I will be able to support him in years to come?

Lavinia, Sawbridgeworth

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Lavinia,

Glad you’ve found love albeit with a guy who is half the man he used to be, but don’t despair and cast him to one side (it’d have to his right hand side I guess).

This condition is not as uncommon as you think, some famous people have overcome this handicap, Yuri Gagarin being perhaps the best known. His lack of side helped him get into the spaceship.

Construct scaffolding from bamboo canes to support his missing side. No point in going out for a good time only to find him on a heap on the floor when you get home is there?

Most people in the UK are right handed (ONS statistics 2010) and therefore he should have no trouble in carrying out simple day to day tasks i.e. making toast, going to the lavatory or cleaning the car (but remember the scaffolding for any outdoor tasks).

Right on!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I think I am in love with my next door neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed. How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

There’s nowt as queer as folk as the old saying goes and just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Pond love isn’t as unusual as you might have thought. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Hell hath no fury like a pond scorned as another old saying goes and its time you demonstrated your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration, as it is obvious that your neighbour is willing to fight for his pond.

A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should demonstrate that you are indeed serious and that your intentions are entirely honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.

TTFN

Aunty Bill

PS Your not the brother of Chris Rea by any chance?

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week. Strange you might think.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

Ah the harsh economic realities of bread line Britain eh?

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

Selling you to the milkman was her way of saying “Get out of my house you overweight useless wazzock,” but as she’s your mum she couldn’t bring herself to say these words.

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the electric cart, they could be seen across Britain pulling the float while the milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll not only see the pounds fall away but be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Hello AB

My wife is thinking of having a spot of plastic surgery to make her teeth less obtrusive. At present she could eat an apple through a letterbox. My worry is that I have a fetish about buck toothed women and worry that her straightening the gnashers will take the sparkle out  of our relationship. Any tips?

Harry, Buckminster

Aunty Bill Replies;

Harry!
I too have a penchant for buck toothed railings which over the years has caused me to find myself in some pretty uncomfortable situations (the pantomime horse excuse no longer holds much sway I’m afraid).
Cilla, Goofy, Bernie Winters and the strange guy on Channel 4 who presents the weather, all had or have a cracking set of gnashers on the top row only enhancing their natural beauty.
Suggest to your wife that whilst you welcome her efforts to keep herself looking spick and span, leave the Hampsteads alone or go one better and install a new set of gleaming pearly whites that protrude further than the current ones do. The advantage being that she will be even better at eating big things fast and doing impersonations of famous race horses, a skill that will get people talking at your next dinner party.
If you paint every other one black you’ll also be able to teach yourself how to play rudimentary tunes on the piano – the tooth fairy will be raining cash on you!
Aunty

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There are days when the world is flat,
truly flat
When she can’t raise her head
As the winds that blow only for her
Catch in her eyes
He brings her his dull, tired conversation
We all can create the cage that binds us
She slumped in the seat
Someone phones and her face lights up
And the girl emerges
But for him this girl has long since left the building

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Hello!

My disappearance from this page has been due to a “misunderstanding” between myself and my geographically challenged tunneling mate Ron “The Chopper” Harris.

Four weeks of hard graft down the drain as we emerged not to freedom as was the plan, but into the Governor’s private quarters containing his silver plated commode.

Needless to say a few weeks in solitary has given me time to reflect on the error of my ways. Without further ado lets dive in, as my sack is positively bulging with cries for help.

Here is a triple header!

Hello Aunty Bill

Can you help? For the past six weeks I have been waiting for the lights to change at the pedestrian crossing so I can go and meet my mum outside Tesco’s and help her bring the weekly shopping home. I am getting a bit cold now and my feet are a bit sore. Any tips?

Thick Tom, Harlow

Hello AB

Can you help? I have been waiting 6 weeks now for my son Thick Tom to turn up and help me take the week’s shopping home. I am getting a bit fed up waiting outside Tesco’s and people are starting to stub their cigarettes out on me. Also I need to get home to cook my idle layabout of a husband’s tea. Any tips?

Dense Denise, Harlow

Hello Aunty

Can you help? I have been waiting 6 weeks for my wife Dense Denise to get home from the weekly shop to cook my tea. I am starving. Any tips?

Challenged Charlie, Harlow

Aunty Bill Replies;

Tom, Denise and Charlie,

I take it you are related as there is a common thread running through your letters, only confirming my worst fear about the inhabitants of Harlow Town.
Harlow is noted for its roundabout system and the number of traffic lights needed to control people entering the town. Basically, people can’t wait to leave and would drive like Michael Schumacher to escape,  leaving carnage in their wake. So the rather complex system of roundabouts and traffic lights was introduced to prevent this and give people the time to savour their surroundings and take advantage of the shopping facilities at the Staple Tye shopping centre (a poorer selection of retail outlets it is harder to imagine unless you have penchant for lard,Diamond White cider and leggings).
The traffic lights are controlled by two brothers who are employed directly via the local lunatic asylum. They are also colour blind making errors of judgement on their part all too common.
To combat this, both were given “Stop – Go” boards to get the traffic moving again. But as Harlow’s a big town, it is going to take them some time to reach your road given that the large number of busy intersections they need to free up (some cars have been stationary for some months now).
Rest assured they will get to you as soon as they can. In the meantime I’m sending you a copy of Harlow Council’s Urban Town Planning for Idiots leaflet which goes some way to explaining the predicament you all currently find yourselves in.
Harlow Council – “Working for you……Sometimes”

 

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

To celebrate one year of Aunty Bill, Gfb is dedicating this weekend to our agony aunt. Here is another one of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. 

Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Bedspread Jiggery Pokery

Aunty Bill,

Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?

Elsie, The Ardennes

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Elsie,

Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.

I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.

After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Can it really be a year since he/she entered our lives and has helped so many find peace?

You Betcha!

Aunty Bill has helped literally people find a route to happiness for their broken hearts. She’s been quiet lately on account of the tunnel being found, but now in solitary confinement she is able to help those who need it most.

The loyal readership of Gfb!

So, as a special treat this weekend is designated “Aunty Bill Weekend” and we will place a few of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. 

Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Where It All Began

Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill. Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.

We hope you may find some answers too.

Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless

Aunty Bill,

I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Meredith,

So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was  UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.

Aunty Bill

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spermwithaperm

The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation. So, without further ado, over to you Sperm With A Perm!

Hi Everyone!

Been busy since I last wrote!

It was my cousin Tom’s 3rd minute birthday! Just imagine trying to play musical chairs with 120 million others! Takes Ages!  I never want to hear Three Blind Mice again!

No sign of impregnating an egg at the moment! Bit slow out of the blocks recently! Just as well! He has been on his own in a hotel room! And we all know what that means!

Sentient life will be great though – better than this load of bollocks! Think of it! Arthritis! Embarrassment! Laughter! Riding A Bike! Love! Having A Crush On Mother Theresa! ONIONS! Masturbation! (although would that be genocide?!) 

Just gotta find that egg!

Shame the Pope is stepping down! He was a true friend of sperm!

Hang on! I can hear New Kids On The Block being cranked up on the stereo!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

But I Won’t Do That!

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