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Posts Tagged ‘Reincarnation’

Agnes DuPont is back with more tales from her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here and here!.

Hello,

Recently I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding later that evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from Roman tyranny and build a new by-pass around Colchester!

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me! (Some of you may know her as Boudica. I don’t know when her name changed. It was the same when Peking changed to Beijing, Bombay to Mumbai and Swindon to The Barcelona of Wiltshire). But I digress.

Within minutes I was scurrying down the cheese aisle in my chariot, courgettes affixed to each wheel to hobble any Roman oppressor. On I rode, scything down the enemy,  my face now tinted the tint of blue woad tinty stuff from a toilet block.

A scream, nay ululation invoking the ancient Druid Gods saw me rent the air to tackle these Roman curs. With a cry of “Death To The Romans”, I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.

Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated as I exited the car park and the lardy centurions of G4S ended my uprising.

The Magistrate deferred the sentence of Crucifixion to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.

But, no longer will I be enslaved by men in sandals, togas and sporting French Crops!

You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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Agnes DuPont tells us more about her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here and here!.

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese and brocoli. Separately.

Hello People,

Last Wednesday I was in the Greengrocer’s buying apples, oranges, parsnips and bananas.

As I was handing over my money to Barney the Greengrocer, a very nice man with knock knees, I felt a tad woozy and wobbly. When it had gone, I was on the floor, legs akimbo, surrounded by root vegetables, but with an overwhelming urge to conquer Europe.

The spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte had entered me!

He really is a cheeky little Corsican is Boney! Before I could say “Not tonight Josephine” I boarded the 149 bus and set an eastward course to conquer Austria and Hungary whilst at the same time devising a metricated measuring system and perfecting the kiss curl.

I think i was accompanied by my Imperial Guard – all fine brocaded men sporting heavy calves and brandy breath.

As I hummed the fine Abba tune “Waterloo”, (little was I to know!) my epic journey of conquest was cut short when the bus broke down outside the Duke of Wellington in Shoreditch High Street. Ironic really.

I had to walk home but finally understood the wonders of the metric system.

No longer will I be enslaved by the ounce!

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese and broccoli long into the night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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Agnes DuPont tells us more about her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here.

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese. She also claims vegetables from the Brassica family have a similar effect.

PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME AS CAULIFLOWER, COOKED OR RAW, IN THE WRONG HANDS CAN BE LETHAL.

Hello People,

Last Wednesday I was working in my local butcher’s, removing veins from lambs liver, when Mahatma Gandhi entered me.  Not in that way I hasten to add.

No, Gandhi’s spirit  entered my mortal remains. It was great being a bow legged pacifist for a while. Dressed in a sheet too.  You might say it was Dandy Ghandi.

Wendy Crabtree walked in, as is her want, to buy a belly of pork for the Sunday roast.

As Mahatma I wasn’t happy about this and organised a campaign of vegetarian mass civil disobedience. I readjusted the thickness on the ham slicer and tossed root vegetables (I always carry a few in case of emergencies) around the place.

As I flung a turnip at a rack of lamb I thought of Morrissey.  Strange that.

Sadly I lost my job at the Butcher’s but do have a much greater insight into the last days of Britain’s presence in India. A fair exchange.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese and broccoli long into the night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us more about her previous lives!!!!!! Her first instalment can be read here

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME AS CHEESE IN THE WRONG HANDS CAN BE LETHAL.

Hello People,

A few years ago I spent a most enjoyable fortnight as Albert Einstein. It was great being brainy for a while.

During my time as Albert Einstein I discovered that light has slowed down a bit. This is good news for all those who rely on torches to see in the dark as the batteries will last longer.

The formula E=MC2? It doesn’t mean anything. Albert just thought the letters sounded nice when arranged like that. Apparently it could have been P=KF2 – too clunky in his opinion.

I also invented the dashes to add to the dots in Morse Code which up to that point hadn’t worked very well. As you can see, —…— tells a whole different story!

Yep, It Was Fun Being Albert Einstein.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ. I was there.

Regards,

Agnes

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Agnes Claims To Have Been A Monkey Once

We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us about her previous lives!!!!!!

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

Just one chomp on some cheese (any variety apart from Goat’s cheese – too acidic apparently) and  WHOOSH! she connects with her past.

We hope you are as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where my cheese munching will take me next!) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Why, only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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