Posts Tagged ‘Reincarantion’

We hope you are as amazed as we are at the previous lives of Agnes!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where I will be 5 minutes) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale. One of the big ones.

I know this because I am partial to Plankton and always shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist……….I would beg to differ.



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Regular readers will recall that I met a  man called Trevor through the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com). Trevor in a previous life was a Roman Centurion. (You can read more about how we met here!)

Sadly it didn’t work out. Basically he spent all his time assembling a 25,000 piece mosaic of himself as a Gladiator killing a Christian, in his spare bedroom. Odd.

So I am single at the moment!

Recently, whilst shoplifting,  I bumped into an old friend Cindy.  I hadn’t seen her for ages on account of her taking up with some hippies who went to live in a tepee in the Slad Valley. Cindy spent most of her time weaving baskets made from dessicated skin. Through a combination of primal scream therapy , magic mushrooms and cider she inhabited the soul of Lot’s Wife! (the one who turned to a pillar of salt after turning back to look at Sodom for the non-religious amongst you).

She said it wasn’t much fun being a pillar of salt, made her dandruff salty and she would dissolve a bit in the rain.

Being Lot’s wife wasn’t for her! (Funny how Lot’s wife doesn’t have a name).

To prove her tale,  she let me lick her forearm. Boy was it salty!  She’s staying with me whilst her tepee is deep cleaned. Whenever I have a boiled egg for breakfast she dips her little finger in the eggs and hey presto! they are nicely salted!

When it snows, I will roll her down the garden path! Save me a fortune.


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