Fanny Redcrack’s Christmas Cooking Guide For Festive Fun and Frolics!

As regular readers will know, each year Fanny writes the same story from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. Despite the ongoing advances of Le Prison Gouveneur, she remains in good spirits (100% proof vodka).

Dear Fanny,

My wife left me this week because she found out I’m quite fond of dressing up as a quiche. This didn’t go down too well at our daughter’s nativity play and wifey chose to leave me.

Anyway, the problem is I’ve got a 32lb turkey defrosting for the big day and I’m at a loss as to what to do with the leftovers.

I’ve decided to wear a crabstick on New Years Eve!

Paul, Upper Ramsbottom.

Dear Paul.

As I write from my cell I can’t help but think of you in your quiche and what a fine sight that would be.

Unfortunately I’m resigned to spending my Yuletide in the company of miscreants. Alas all is not lost as my cell mate, Marcledreuxleix, has brewed a rather fine batch of hooch made from fermented snail urine, scrotum shavings and leftover hard boiled eggs. Mmmmmmm…………..

Boxing day Turkey, Ham, Leek and Tarragon Pie.

Combine cooked leeks, a splash of white wine, half a cup of chicken stock.

Add your leftover turkey and ham, simmer then add creme fraiche and chopped tarragon. Heat and serve topped with a (shop bought puff pastry) crispy, golden brown pie lid.

Scrummy

Merry Noel!

Le Rougecrack

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Fanny Redcrack’s Christmas Cooking Guide For Festive Fun and Frolics!

As regular readers will know, Fanny writes from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. Despite the ongoing advances of Le Prison Gouveneur, she remains in good spirits, mostly 100% proof vodka. Here is another Christmas cooking tip.

Dear Fanny,

My wife left me this week because she found out I’m quite fond of dressing up as a lady of the night. This didn’t go down too well at our daughter’s nativity play and wifey chose to leave me.

Anyway, the problem is I’ve got a 32lb turkey defrosting for the big day and I’m at a loss as to what to do with the leftovers. I’ve got a lovely little black and gold trim negligee to wear on New Years Eve!

Paul, Upper Ramsbottom.

Dear Paul.

As I write from my cell I can’t help but think of you in your negligee and what a fine sight that would be.

Unfortunately I’m resigned to spending my Yuletide in the company of miscreants. Alas all is not lost as my cell mate, Marcledreuxleix, has brewed a rather fine batch of hooch made from fermented snail urine, scrotul cornflakes and leftover hard boiled eggs. Marvellous!!

Boxing day Turkey, Ham, Leek and Tarragon Pie.

Combine cooked leeks, a splash of white wine, half a cup of chicken stock.

Add your leftover turkey and ham, simmer then add creme fraiche and chopped tarragon. Heat and serve topped with a (shop bought puff pastry) crispy, golden brown pie lid.

Scrummy

Merry Noel!

Le Rougecrack

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Ginger Cooking – With Fanny Redcrack

Fish is great and good for you. Fanny helps a reader with Puffer Fish…….

Dear Fanny,

I bought a couple of Puffer fish from a man in my local pub today and I’m not sure how to extract the poison from them.

I did ask the man who sold them to me but he ran away. He seemed a nice man. He had a hi-vis jacket on that said Health and Safety.

Maybe he didn’t like fish.

Can I have a signed photo please?

Doris Smallhead, Henley on Thames.

Dear Doris,

If you’re fortunate enough to find an expert to do this for you you’re a very lucky lady indeed!

I was fortunate to spend a night in a Puffer den in Northern Japan during my best-selling Asian book tour of  Asia.

The book of the tour “Pol’s Pots – Quick Snacks For The Workers” can still be found on Amazon.

If my memory serves me well he (the expert, not Pol Pot) boiled the sack of poison in a herb reduction and BOOM! Apart from the nightmarish flashbacks I get even now some 30 years later it was a rather pleasant experience.

Poach the remaining fish in white wine and serve with broccoli. Drink red wine with it.

Cheers Darling.

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Ginger Cooking – With Fanny Redcrack

Fanny By Gaslight

Hello Folks

After a spell in the Betty Turnip Clinic, for some well deserved “rest”, Gfb is pleased to announce that Fanny is Fightin’ Fit and ready to offer some more cooking tips.

Dear Fanny,

I’m throwing a bit of do to raise a few quid for a liver transplant for my Auntie Nelly, or “Yellow Nel” as she’s known to those that love her. But to be honest, there’s not that many who do.

Any idea for nibbles on arrival?

Tendai Nikamaru Madada,

Notts

Dear Tendai,

Have you considered donating one of your own livers? You can live quite comfortably with only one you know. Fortunately, I sustain a healthy lifestyle in conjunction with an enormous alcohol intake and have lived happily without a functioning liver for a couple of decades now.

Doctors! who needs ’em! And I think you’ll agree that I look good for a 38 year old.

Now back to your question dear boy.

You will amaze your guests on arrival with Bloody Mary Lollipops.

Ingredients:

24 cherry tomatoes

Half a pint of vodka

Worcestestestestshire sauce/ Tabasco sauce

Celery sticks

Sea Salt

Cocktail sticks

Method:

Prick the cherry tomatoes all over with a cocktail stick and leave to soak in a mix of vodka/worcestestestestshire and tabasco sauce for 6 hours.

The tomatoes will soak up all of the liquor.

Cut the celery into 2 inch sticks and shave one end into a point.

Pierce each tomato with a celery spear and stick into a small cube of sharp cheddar.

Finish with a sprinkle of coarse sea salt and serve.

Cheers,

Yellow Nel!

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Ginger Cooking Tips – With Fanny Redcrack

Sweet Fanny Adams

Gfb’s cookery advisor Fanny Redcrack is here to help you with some cooking tips.

As the world’s leading exponent of cooking with opiates, her world renowned Crack Of Lamb is to die for, Fanny is on hand to add some real spice to basic recipes.

She found ten minutes away from her bong to answer this query.

Eat Up!

Dear Fanny

Blancmange. What’s that all about then?

Clive Seatbelt, Merseyside.

Dear Clive.

Whilst researching my new book,”Fanny Galore! The Woman Behind The Whisk” I came across this fascinating tale.

After a successful encore of Blind Vision at Milton Keynes Town Hall, life was good for pop combo Blancmange. Their album Mange Tout was flying high at number 8 in the U.K charts and lead singer Neil Arthur, returned to the newly opened Milton Keynes Travelstay Motel determined to party.

Neil phoned reception and ordered a celebratory pudding.

The night chef had been on the Skol all night,  got a little bleary eyed and inadvertently  a dessert was born!

60ml of cornflour

1 Pint of full fat milk

Lemon rind

45ml of caster sugar

Blend 30ml of milk with the cornflour. Heat the milk, sugar and lemon to boiling point, add the cornflour mix. Bring back up to boil. Pour into ramekins. Chill for 3 hrs. Serve with fruit.

Keep Rockin!

Fanny

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Ginger Cooking Tips – With Fanny Redcrack

Fanny Redcrack - Cook and Bull

Fanny Redcrack is famed for her groundbreaking TV cookery programmes in the 1960’s (her egg and amphetamine omelette is still the stuff of legend amongst the Wiltshire and South Gloucestershire Teepee community).

Fanny’s cookery skills are now at your disposal.

Eat up!

Dear Mrs Redcrack,

My mommy has promised me a new BMX bike if I win the local church’s ‘Bakeagingerbreadmanathonacompetition’ but I can’t be arsed looking for a recipe.

You got any?

Jimmy (8 and a half), Tipton

Dear Dear Jimmy,

You brought a tear to my eye young man. For as a young boy myself I too was a cheeky little sod. But as I blossomed into a young lady, I realised the importance of learning how to run one’s home.

Of course by the time I had children,  Serge The Gingerbread man was a regular visitor to our kitchen. As was Terry The Milkman, Bert The Coal Man and Neville The Gardener (I still tingle at his potting skills).

So Jimmy – Gingerbread Men!

Mix;

12oz of plain flour,

6oz light brown sugar,

4oz butter

1 teaspoon of bicarb of soda.

Add 4 tablespoons of golden syrup and 1.5 teaspoons of ground ginger. Roll and cut.

Bake.

Top with a little grated sweetened carrot to really wow the judges.

Bon Chance!

Fanny

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