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Posts Tagged ‘Puppets’

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

The Puppet

“York? Fookin Shitehole!” shouted the Geordie.

At first, hearing every town at which the train stopped described as a “Fookin’ Shitehole!” had a certain earthy charm.

But not after three hours and twelve such outbursts.

Furthermore the carriage was CLEARLY DESIGNATED as Quiet, a point re-emphasised by the ever so helpful onboard team (By the by, the egg and cress sandwiches were a particular delight on this journey).

Needing an evacuation, I turned off my iPod (Beethoven has become de rigueur on long journeys and to have it drowned out with fruity language is very disconcerting) stood and walked towards the toilet.

Fortunately, toilets on modern trains allow flushing within the station. Many’s the time when waiting on a platform, I would be confronted by freshly laid droppings as a train pulled away. I praise the engineers who solved the riddle of flushing a train’s toilet in the station locale. Upon such minor improvements can we benchmark human progress.

Having soaped, washed, rinsed and dried my hands all within the confines of a small, brilliantly designed basin, I returned to my seat with a pleasantly empty bowel and re-engaged Beethoven’s stirring symphonies.

The Geordie sat five or so rows away.  He was large. Squeezed into a Parka jacket several sizes too small. The Parka bore a variety of badges. Food stains pocked his T-shirt.

Then as if shouting, “Fookin’ Shitehole!”  wasn’t enough, he produced a glove puppet.

Sweep from the Sooty Show. Holding the puppet to his ear he said, “What’s that Sweep? You think York’s a Fookin’ Shitehole too?”

I considered pointing out that it was Sooty who whispered into Mr Corbett’s ear whilst Sweep prattled away in that squeaky vibrato. But decided against it. For a number of reasons, the most important of which was the man was a loon.

As I know from personal experience, interacting with the barking on trains is not a good idea.  The “Do you want to see me put my head in a jam jar?” episode of 1997 and 2004’s  “Nude dancing cardigan,” sprang to mind.

We arrived at Darlington.

“Darlington? Fookin’ Shitehole!” New passengers glanced up at him without recalling the first law of The Nutter On A Train.

Avoid.

As we left Darlington, he stood. His trousers were so short that they revealed a portion of shin above the sock line.  Trouser length was not high on his list of priorities. It should be. For everyone.

Why not buy clothes of proportionate length?

He moved with a discernible limp indicating the need for corrective joint surgery in the near future. Hip or knee? I couldn’t in all honesty tell you.

“C’mon Sweep let’s go for a walk. Does anybody want to say hello to Sweep?”

The silence was profound. The new arrivals, cuckolded by their innocence sought the safety of laptops or newspapers. One scrambled by me,  presumably for the toilet, groaning loudly when noticing the Toilet Engaged sign was lit.  Maybe several passengers already cowered from The Geordie in there, oblivious to the marvellous  onboard waste storage system.

“Say hello to Sweep!” he would say with an undertow of naive menace. Passengers  muttered a nervous response.

As he bore down on me, my watch told me it was time for my hourly swivel. On train journeys in excess of two hours, I try to get a spot of exercise every hour by standing on the connecting plate between carriages and swivel as the train rounds a corner. It’s good fun. Mostly.

Alas, my iPod lead became tangled with the seat’s adjustable armrest. I am a fan of the adjustable armrest, often giving silent praise for their design. But not this time.

He was only two rows away. I tugged ferociously unable to free myself.

One row.

Still trapped.

“Say hello to Sweep!”

I looked up, the iPod lead still throttled the armrest. One of his Parka badges read, “I like Chicken”. He smiled revealing his half a dozen or so useable teeth. Skin tags erupted around the collar of his T-Shirt. He smelled of pee.

“Hello Sweep.”

Was I about to relive 2012’s, “Do you want to see my pet haddock? I keep it under me hat!” To this day the thought of fish causes my ear imbalance to flare up.

I needed a tinkle. Even though I had just been. Bladder shock.

He began to utter the dreaded phrase, “Is this seat fr……?”

The Guard announced our arrival into Durham station. Bobby Bonkers returned to his seat in order to bellow, “Durham? Fookin Shitehole!”

I was sweating profusely from this Close Encounter of The Deranged Mind.

I was safe. For the time being. The train pulled away. Ten minutes to Newcastle, my destination. I finally untangled the iPod lead, walked to the connecting plate between the two carriages and swiveled with gusto.

“Newcastle! Fookin Shitehole!”

The Geordie also left the train at Newcastle. I had a twenty yards on him but could hear him closing. Fast.

“Fookin’ Shitehole, Fookin’ Shitehole, Fookin’ Shitehole, Fookin’ Shitehole,” he barked, Sweep on one hand, three Morrison’s carrier bags in the other.

I made the barriers, presented my ticket and quickly moved through. I’m not a fan of the ticket barrier seeing them as a clumsy metaphor for corporate mistrust. But I was grateful they were here today.

The Geordie put down his bags. Sweep whispered in his ear.

“I know Sweep, I’ve got me ticket somewhere.”

He patted his pockets theatrically. I shuddered at the shortness of his trousers and made my way to the Taxi rank, eager to be away.

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putinsooty

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the Sochi 2014 Olympics that are, quite simply expensive.

Somebody slid to glory on frozen water today. This appears to be happening a lot.

The Swedes beat GB in the Curling (marbles on ice for the uninitiated) – INVADE THEM!

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Slippery Slip-on; The sport that requires you to slip slip-ons on pronto on ice! Tricky and exacting, requiring enormous ham and achilles strength. Dextrous use of the shoe horn is also required.

The world record stands at 27 pairs fitted and removed in a minute.

Esteban “The Man With Hooves Instead Of Feet” Cordobes from El Salavador is favourite to take gold. Watching him at race pace is like watching a magician at work, only this magician’s magic wand is the tortoise-shell shoe-horn with “Esteban” written  on it. In Mother of Pearl.

Evangelists think he is the Devil because of his cloven hooves. Expect Canada’s Larry Bertrand to challenge. His mum holds a giant crucifix over him whenever he takes on Esteban.

2. Sado Masochists Biathlon  – The prestigious winter sports event for the S&M fraternity.

10 competitors will be entered for this race (with a variety of implements) and  Dominatrix Pain  and her “Little Bleeder” will whip them into shape round the back passage on this brand spanking new track that cuts through the Taiga of frozen Siberia.

The mild weather has forced organisers to ban gimp masks.

Belgium’s Jean Luc-Squeak will take some beating (as he does most Thursday nights) in this race. Tony Belter from Australia will provide stiff opposition.

The losers will be tied together, castigated and publicly humiliated for several hours at bus stops around Sochi.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty!

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Hello Folks!

If you missed Ginger Sooty’s last report on the US Election you can read it here or the one before that here! or the one before that HERE!

Governor Romney has denied being a coconut. “I am not a coconut. Nor do I intend to be a coconut!” He told supporters, “I am a little shy, but that doesn’t make me a coconut.”

If He Wins The Mormons Will Take Over!

The President was running around in a nice leather jacket, with a sturdy zip and elasticated cuffs. It even had his name badge sewn in! It exuded a sense of elasticated leatheriness. We will call it Obamalastic Fantastic.

If He Wins The Commies Will Take Over!

Sarah Palin’s Thought Of The Day – Sarah thought today was Wednesday.

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

George W Bush – Sweet Jesus In Heaven – WHY?

What would these guys make of it all……to paraphrase Abe, “Government Of The Money, By The Money, For The Money….”

Ginger Sooty is taking a rest now. He’d like to thank the many thousands of you who have taken the trouble to read his reports.

Until the next global event that requires his gloved lusciousness, GS is heading for a rinse and a tumble dry before hibernating in the sock drawer, which also houses dilapidated handkerchiefs from a kinder, more civil time.

To the many youngsters who contacted Gingerfightback seeking advice about bullying, I hope the advice we provided was useful. You should let your parents or teachers know what is happening.

You Are Not Alone!

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Hello Folks!

If you missed Ginger Sooty’s last report on the US Election you can read it here!

Governor Romney finally came out of his room dressed as a coconut and proclaimed to the people in the key election State of Canada, “I am a coconut. You too can be a coconut if you vote for me on the 6th!” He was led away by a man who had a stethoscope in one hand and an enormous syringe in the other.

The President was in the key election state of London. He boasted today that Volcano output in the US had increased massively because of his polices. Olava Care in particular.

Sarah Palin’s Thought Of The Day – Sarah wants to encourage Grizzly Bears to reduce their carbon footprint by chopping their paws off.

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

Bill Clinton – the sexual capacity of Kennedy, the intellectual rigour of Roosevelt and the amiability of Reagan. Boy he loved to have his horn blown. Made an arse of himself. A lot. Probably still does. His wife scare the bejesus out of us.

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Hello Folks!

If you missed Ginger Sooty’s last report on the US Election you can read it here!

Governor Romney refused to come out of his  room today. He told me through his hotel door that he is convinced that Ninja Goldfish Attack Death Squads have been sent to asassinaytetetey him.

The President was in the key election state of  Brazil and announced a major new initiative to turn around the USA’s fortunes through the reintroduction of 80’s Girl Groups. Obananarama Care.

Sarah Palin’s Thought of The Day – She’s had one! Ban cows mooing.

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

Ronald Reagan – Amiable buffoon, lampooned in Europe as a brainless oaf but venerated in the USA for being a brainless oaf. Had a very strong aversion to eels. Could read what he was told to read like no other, but never learnt to tie up his own shoe laces. Ended the Cold War. Britain only managed a Cod War. but what is a consonant between friends!

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If you missed Ginger Sooty’s first report on the US Election you can read it here!

The election for the next President of the US is only a few days away and Gfb has sent ace reporter Ginger Sooty to cover it.

Hello Everyone

Governor Romney has toured the key election state of Florida, where he had a meaningful conversation with an orange and squeezed a satsuma in a provocative manner. His hair was very shiny, dare I say….. lustrous?

The President also toured the key election state of Florida. He announced a major new initiative which will use Andean pack animals as a sustainable transportation system. Ollama Care.

Sarah Palin’s Thought Of The Day – Sorry, nothing doin’ today! 

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

#2 Abraham Lincoln – Big Lad. Wore a big hat. If you want to get ahead wear a hat. Famed for his Gettysburg Address. Don’t know why,as it was just 1265 Maple Avenue, Gettysburg, PA.

Slain by an assassin.

Some people have asked Why Sooty?

Here he is debating US Foreign Policy recently;

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The United States of America is a big place. It stretches from here all the way to over there and then down a bit. It’s a bit windy at the moment.

The election for the next President of the US is only a few days away.

This is how it works.

MONEY.

LOTS OF IT!

Then;

The winning candidate must secure a majority of Electoral College votes. The Electoral College also has evening classes in basic car maintenance, conversational Spanish and food hygiene.

Gfb has sent our ace reporter Sooty, now fully fluffed and stitched after his mammoth Olympic Reportage, to bring you the inside story on how the election race is progressing.

Hello Everyone

Last week I was following Governor Romney as he toured the key election state of Ohio. He said to one person “Women are great aren’t they! My wife is a woman and she should know!” Whilst to another he said “Cheese is at the top of my agenda. Yes sirree, right up there alongside hair tonic.”

Earlier in the week I followed The President as he toured the key election state of Ohio. He announced a major new initiative to turn around the USA’s fortunes through intensive punctuation. Ocomma Care.

Sarah Palin’s Thought of The Day

We are happy to announce that Pea Tarty doyen Sarah “Im” Palin is, for a small stipend, letting us in on her thought processes.

Today Sarah wants to ban the chewing of meat on Thursdays.

You are no doubt aware of the Great Seal of The Office Of The President Of The United States. Well for the first time, we are allowed to bring you pictures of the Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

George Washington – wore a wig and had big buckles on his shoes. 38% gravel. Had a great fear of wood. In all its evil forms.

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