Posts Tagged ‘Prison’


My Dearest foodlovers. I write today from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. One had tried to explain to the arresting Gendarme that what one had found down one’s drawers might resemble a Perigord black truffle but was, alas, a rather invasive little growth that had become detached from one’s person. Anyway, after several “meetings” in the prison laundrette Le Prison Gouveneur has very kindly allowed me to answer some of your Christmas queries.

Joyeux Noel to you all.
Le Fanny Rougecrack

Dear Fanny.

It’s that time of year again when as a family we have to endure a whole day with my wife’s 96 year old Mother. She does nothing but moan. I don’t why we bother sometimes.  Goodwill to all blah..de..blah but quite frankly I’m sick of her. How can I avoid her all day without making it too obvious that I can’t stand her.

Happy Christmas,

Dave from Dundee

Fanny Replies 

Dear Dave,

An age old dilemma. Let’s face it the chances of her being there for many more are diminishing by the day. So I suggest you bite your lip and give the old dear a Christmas she’ll never forget.

Give her a glass of sherry, stick a hat on her head and sit her in the corner.

Regardez Fanny
More Fanny (with cookery tips!) can be found here!

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the country’s leading Transgender advice columnist, Aunty Bill has helped literally thousands of people in his/her lifetime. Now out of solitary confinement for the theft of winter vegetable soup, still vehemently denied, Aunty Bill’s cell in his/her Open Prison in Worcestershire has become a beacon of hope for many. We hope you too may find some closure with his/her inspirational advice.

A Griddle Riddle

Hello Aunty Bill!

I like The Wire my boyfriend don’t.

We had a row about it and I hit him with the nearest metallic object that came to hand. Now his face has the indents of a griddle pan. Consequently I now find him repulsive and useful only when I want a healthy way to cook meat. Should I dump him?

Shirley, Manitoba

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Shirley,

Firstly, let me congratulate you on your good taste. The Wire is one of my favourites too. Filmed in Baltimore y’know.

Baltimore is where it all went wrong for me. American juries ain’t that gullible you know. My protestations that I was unaware it was a pantomime horse fell on deaf ears.

But hey! That was a long time ago and you’ve got problems of your own to be addressed.

Only really two ways out of this one Shirl and I’m gonna give it to you straight.

Guys whose faces you can cook on come along only once in a lifetime. So, it may be worthwhile hanging on to this fella and bringing him out when you fancy a nice seared Tuna steak or some other tasty low fat cutlet of meat. Imagine the surprise on your friends faces when he appears from the cupboard under the stairs to cook their favourite dish!

However if you find his facial disfigurement too ghastly to live with you maybe interested in http://www.you’llalwaysfindmeinthekitchenatparties.com– a dating service for those disfigured by kitchen accidents (check out the “Cutlery Corner” section of the site).

It may well be that he would be better off with a victim of a blender accident or some such, leaving you to enjoy the delights of The Wire on your own and for him to ride (or limp) into the sunset with a new similarly culinary challenged partner.

Only you can decide  – good luck!

Best wishes

Aunty Bill

Doctor In The House!

Dear Aunty Bill,

Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.

She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.

Do I?

L’esca’lator, Hackney

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear L’esca’lator,

The short answer to your predicament is yes.

For sometime now, Scientists have been aware of the link between watching medical programmes and pregnancy.

Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (How to Look Good Naked and Embarrassing Bodies are two to avoid, unless swathed in Bacofoil.)

Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.

Although it is not certain she will give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!

Let us know how you get on.

Aunty Bill

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