Posts Tagged ‘Pornography’


There is a squeak on my wardrobe door. Every time I open the door my pet Budgie goes into a catatonic state.

I’ve tried a wide range of ungents, moisturisers and gels all to no avail.

Will you pop in and see me to use your abundant reservoirs of natural emulsifiers to quieten the darn door and give my Budgie the peace she craves and deserves?

Ariadne, Ullapool

Hello Ariadne

I will slip by anytime to check on your wardrobe door.

I have a vast array of elixirs and pungent purifying potions which will need to be applied on the hinges of your wardrobe doors, and locks. And your buttocks. That should do the trick. Whilst there maybe I can tell you about the new company I am setting up, Long and Hard Productions.

Looking for a new PA and I feel you will fit the bill perfectly.

Squeakily yours





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Oily George, Gfb’s Beauty Advisor and lifestyle Guru has had a busy few weeks. He has completed the edit of his new motion picture Big Knobs And Broomsticks  and is working on the world’s first porno pop up collection of Christmas Cards.

He has however found the time to answer some more of your questions. We hope you find them useful.

On Borrowed Time

Hello Oily,

I read with interest that you are in the Pawn industry. How much do you think I will get for this watch? I am running low on cider.

Delores, Devon

Oily Replies,

Sorry Delores I hate this, when a reader wanders down the wrong darkly lit corridor. This is Oily’s Beauty Tips not Madge’s Moneymarket.

But whilst you are here, and quite the saucy little vixen I’ll wager, let me tell you – many sweet tastes have passed my salivating lips but never cider. It’s kinda common. You drink cider you’ll look end up looking like a bedraggled version of sexpot Sarah Ferguson.

Talking of common, Maybe you should drop by and see my good friend Aunty Bill. Despite her/his cheap pound shop perfume and Matalan nylon slacks, non matching wig and flaking nose hair, there are some who say she/he is full of wisdom ( or Strong Drink) and may be able to answer your questions on what cheap nasty drink to buy to get you through your chavtastic existence.

I know for a fact that Aunty Bill enjoys a glass or two of Blue Nun. I enjoy a Blue Nun in a slightly more physical manner.

Yours judgmentally,


Washer Dryer

Hello Oily

Recently I swallowed a washing machine (A Zanussi – none of your cheap rubbish). As you can imagine the spin cycle causes some trouble in my innards although my whites came out whiter than ever. The trouble is I have become addicted to Fabric Conditioner (Up to 6 bottles a day) and I am starting to develop feelings for my tumble dryer.

The Surgeon (A very nice man if a little shaky) has said an operation is out of the question and has suggested I make the most of predicament by setting myself up as a mobile launderette. Do you think I should offer an ironing service?

Des, Tumbleton

Oily Replies

Hey Des,

At last a question that is right up my alley. And how I love something up my alley. But then don’t we all? No? Ok.

In the curdle-the-cream market for which the Vice Squad know me best, we have many uses for kitchen whites. In these times of economic depression, to save on budget we use said machines as a kind of ‘ female fluffer’.

I used to get the girls ready for their scenes myself using just the tools that The Dark Prince gave me. But I’m not a spring chicken anymore. More a turkey’s giblet.

I haven’t really got the energy I used to have. Plus I have a rheumatic tongue.

And thats where the tumble dryer comes in. Yes girls you know what I’m talking about….as Loony Tune Brian Beach Boy meant to sing before he lost his marbles …’good good good good vibrations, sat atop my Zanussi 1400 with built in dryer function set to spin…..’

Ever Oily Dear Readers……

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