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Hello Oily,

I recently discovered that my skin care regime is a bit on the harsh side.  I have exfoliated so hard that my legs now end at my knees. This makes wearing my new Puma trainers tricky. Also my love life is suffering.

Any tips?

Larry Blister, Alabama

Oily Replies;

Sorry to hear of your difficulties Larry.

But being in Alabama I’d say that makes you quite the catch. Betcha got a purty liddle cousin ain’t ya? Just pluck that banjo and go see her. If she ain’t down for some lovin’ she should have some extra toes you can nick.

Well it’s a start.

Oily

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Feline a bit Catty?

Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa. I had a lovely time and a right good pampering. I really enjoyed the sauna and steam rooms and also the special nose spore cleansing that used Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However, recently I have noticed that I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Sleeping a lot, urinating over furniture, scrabbling around after mice under the bed and running after imaginary foes. Oh, and I have developed a taste for licking my back passage in public.

My man has put a bell around my neck as well in case I get lost up the tree.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This whole problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused.  My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

 Oily

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Hello Oily, 

Due to a spot of bad luck I have spent the past decade in a wardrobe with only some blouses, slacks and a nice paisley patterned cardigan for company. It was OK mostly except for Xmas when I didn’t get any turkey. I like turkey Oily. Do you?

I recently left the wardrobe for a nice chest of drawers across the room. Have you any tips about how I should furnish my new abode? I am worried that as I have come out of the closet my drawers leave a bit to be desired.

Lonely Stan, Furniture Fan

Oily Replies;

Stan,

It obviously isn’t an IKEA wardrobe is it.  Be lucky to get five minutes- or lady love time as I call it – before it would collapse.  Much like my lady love time actually. But she is just bitter.

I had a similar experience when I slipped inside a a sofa once. I know some readers will guffaw, some may even raise a Moore like right eyebrow in a quizzical fashion, but when you are as Oily as I, one has the ability to slide into  every nook, cranny and crevice.

In my line of business this ‘talent’ is an absolute Godsend.

Whatever shot the Director asks for, whatever ridiculous angle he expects me and my love python to take up, I can always manage to satisfy.

A smart move down the back of the sofa. If mine are anything to go by you will find no end of coins, newspaper, crusts of bread and dried up, turkey breast. Mmmm, tasty.

And also a big pair of white skidmarked Dunnes Stores Y fronts. Just hanging there, flapping in the wind. But a quick wash and your drawer problem is solved!

Just give me a call, I’ll meet you, show you around. £300 a week rent

Cheers One and Oil

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Bob Lewington here;

I was round Mum’s yesterday afternoon to put some new batteries in her TV remote control. I’m a dab hand at DIY you see.

After trying for twenty minutes to get the cover off,  I told Mum that this was a bigger job than appeared. I needed to ponder my strategy whilst completing a movement.

On the pot I read my horoscope in the paper. With Venus in the ascendant and Neptune on a bender (or some such, I’ve never really understood Gastrology to be honest)  I should; “Be careful today of undertaking complex tasks  involving machinery and instead prepare for a romantic encounter.”

That knocked the battery change on the head.

After I’d eaten the bacon rolls Mum had made, I nipped home to watch the film my mate Pete the Slip had given me down The Reclusive Monkey on Saturday.

Shirley had gone to the Bingo so I had a couple of hours to kill before she got home to cook my tea.

Lovemeat Sandwich had some very good camera work. And the script was very challenging.

Shirley caught me in a compromising position on the leather cornerpiece. She didn’t believe me when I told her that I was just airing my rash.

I had to cook my own fish fingers for tea.

Horoscopes. Spooky. End of.

Be Lucky

Bob

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Hello Reader!

After a summer break in Calipornia, Gfb’s Beauty Therapist and Advisor, Oily George is back to provide you with advice on issues of personal hygiene, appearance, making dirty films and romance. His Oil Highness is here to help.

Summer Bonkbuster!

Dear Oily,

I have long admired your erotic masterpieces and  am considering making a big budget version of your 80’s classic “Tug My Love Muscle II” – That funny looking lad who plays vampires a lot and that skinny girl from Harry Potter’s Thingymajig are both up for the lead roles. She is in the gym undergoing a wrist strengthening programme.

I just wanted to know what Best Boy you used in the film and what was your Key Grip?

Marty says hi too!

Steven Spielberg, Hull

Oily Replies;

Stevey Baby!

Did the ointment work?

Key Grip is easy – always use the overarm under shuffle five knuckle twister. But never, I repeat never, use the ballsack as a prop.

Remember when Bobby did that in Mean Streets?  I haven’t laughed so much since Marlon got his nuts caught in the mangle. OUCH!

Best Boy? Being an equal opportunities employer,  I always employ two girls to be my Best Boy. Twins. Swedish. Blonde. 18. I’ll pass on their number. It works for me.

Intermittently.

It’s an age thing.

Much love to Marty.

Tell him I have the photos under lock and key, nothing for him to worry about.

Oily

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Regular readers of Gingerfightback will recall that our beauty therapist and lifestyle guru, Oily George is currently in the USA filming a number of erotic films. You may be interested to learn that George has had a very productive meeting with Disney over a remake (with erotic undertones) of a classic children’s  TV series.

He is hopeful that Scooby Blue will be released next summer.

George has taken a break from filming (and to have his annual prostrate check up) and  faxed me this letter, which he was keen to share with you all!

Hi my lithesome sweat stained, slightly drooling readers. Sorry for my tardy responses to you all of late. I have been busy in Southern California spreading….well ever aware that you may be having your dinner, let us just say I have been spreading the good word of the Oily One.

I just checked my sack recently and boy oh boy was I surprised and rather proud of the bulge! Full to the brim with letters from you all.

Touched I was. I was young, he was the parish priest. But I digress.

Whilst in California I have had some interesting problems to answer. One young man on Huntington beach on 4th July accosted me thus:

‘Yo oily dude. Awesome man, hey I’m stoked. My queen haystack bitch stole my heart, smoked my bong and made off with my roomie. This was not cool man. I need advice. Guidance. I saw you working out on muscle beach down Venice way and like how do I get a 16 pack like u. I’m stuck with a mere 6er. So come on dude whassup?”

Well people, I was totally bamboozled by what he said. I speak the Queen’s English. But after watching the official Southern Californian Tourist Guide DVD ( aka ‘The Big Lebowski’) I was able to translate.

It would appear that his good lady had left him bereft, alone save for his by now, rather raw red right hand. He wanted a physique like mine believing therein lay the answer.

I explained that the ladies enjoy ‘riding the Oily ripple’. Either that or they enjoy the cash I pay them.

However I feel his attire was his main problem. Baseball Cap, T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops to win a fair maiden’s heart?

Wrong, so very very wrong.

I explained that if he wants the chance to ride the skinboat to tuna town he needs to smarten up. Well he has taken my advice to heart and can now be seen on the beaches and boardwalks between LA and San Diego dressed in a rather louche ensemble of crumpled linen suit accessorised with cravat and cummerbund.

I do not mean Sherlock Holmes is wrapped around his waist. That is Benedict Cumberbatch. An oft made mistake especially with the reputation Benedict has here in Tinseltown. Or at least would have if I were to make up some gossip.

Ever shiny ever sleek.

Regards

Oily 

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Oils well the ends well

Dear Oily,

I have had 48 facelifts in the last 4 years. However, the last time I flew long distance the skin on my face melted into my Martini. I was rather shaken by it whilst my husband was a little stirred.

How do I stop this happening the next time?

Martha, Vineyard

Oily Replies

Martha,

Did you fly Aer Fungus by chance? This happened to me recently.

It is an allergic reaction to the eye wateringly malodorous scents their Trolley Dollies wear. Luckily for me my actual skin didn’t melt off,  just the layers of oil that I produce, which fortunately acted as a protective buffer.

A sort of condom for the face, if you will.

At first the airline were extremely annoyed at the gloopy residue I left behind and were going to sue me.

That was before they realised that my natural unguents could fuel cars. And make a nifty salad dressing.

Now we are in partnership making money hand over fist. I fly first class with them for free (but don’t touch their salads). Everyone is happy!

Well except you sadly. But as the Loaf himself once warbled “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad!”

 Oily

 

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The second book in Oily’s erotic fantasy novel trilogy “Lord of The Ring – Good Gollum Miss Mollum” (Muckraker Books £8.99)  is out in paperback. More sword and saucery than you could shake a sticky phallus at!

Actor Bit Part

Dear Oily

The drama teacher says my acting career will never amount to more than a hill o’ beans. Despite not knowing what that means, I’m assuming it ain’t positive as she always gets the class to laugh at me whilst I’m taking my turn on stage.

I have done all the classes and got top marks like, but my protruding teeth, angry ginger hair and the diffident mole sitting on the end of my nose are a hindrance. Any tips?

Bob, Holness-on-Sea

Oily Replies

Hi Bob,

A sad story, but there is inspiration out there. My fellow BAFTA award winning actor Ron Jeremy is no oil painting as you seen from his role in genteel Sunday night period drama, Go Down on Abbey.

With his pot belly, webbed toes and dubious taste in sandals, Ron is no Ryan Gosling, yet pneumatic, breathy, stiletto wearing, badly dubbed girls the world over have loved him dearly. Frequently. All at once.

So there is hope!

Ever Loving

Oily

Scampi Panky

Hello Oily,

I understand you are in the Prawn industry. Where do you stand on Scampi?

Adrian, Cromer

Oily Replies;

Ade,

I’m in the Corn Industry actually. You’ve no doubt seen my epic part factual/mostly made up docu-drama ‘ Emperor Toyote Coyote and the Ladyboy’.

Corny in the extreme, but then I’m a romantic at heart as testified in the last scene were said ladyboy falls deeply in love with the Emperors 10,000 strong army.  Simultaneously. Non stop.**

Beautiful. Poignant. Scarlett and Rhett eat your hearts out.

** Please note that no cucumbers or root vegetables were harmed in the making of this scene.

Oily

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Recently voted the world’s most oiligible Bachelor in the famous German periodical “Dass Is Grossen Grossen,” Oily George is here to provide common sense advice in a mad mad world. From food to hair, Oily cares!

Hello Oily

As a man who knows about classy erotica, would you put pickle in a cheese sandwich?

Gert, Munich

Oily Replies,

Hey Gert,

In the lather-me-in-mayo-and-spank-my-bare-botty market that I cater for, a cheese and pickle sandwich is staple fare for actors and crew alike.

In fact it is a well known but mainly ignored fact that when sandwiches were invented in the 16th Century by rakish dandy, the Earl of Pastie, sex didn’t exist. But if it did he doubtless would have enjoyed such sumptuous fare

Anyway you are getting me reet peckish, I need my own particular sandwich.

Kirsty! Tabitha! it’s Banana Splitz time. I got the banana, my sweet little eye candies.

Oily

Hello Oily

Which do you think is more likely to make a comeback as a to die hairstyle for men, the perm or the mullet?

Toby, Moray

Oily Replies,

Toby,

A combination of both really. Think 70’s Kevin Keegan meets…..quick check on google…….Billy Ray Cyrus. I think my fellow freak, the moustachioed porn star and occasional footballer Rudi Voller perfected the look in the late 80’s.

Personally as you will see from my pic I am going for the sleek and sensual Silver Fox look. Easily maintained and always stays in position even when I have my ‘watersports’ weekends with the Compton Fetishist Society here in Crazy City.

Yes my now legendary sexual proclivities are not bound by class creed or colour. Or species, if you believe the tittle tattle written in the Catholic Herald this week. But I deny those charges vehemently.

Was simply a misunderstanding.

Regards, Oily

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Hello Folks – we are pleased to announce that our lifestyle guru and expert on all things personal, Oily George has taken the time out of his busy filming schedule in the sunny uplands of the LA porn world (he is curently working on an erotic version of The Bridges of Madison County)  to provide some more useful tips about everyday beauty issues.

We hope you find them useful. We do!

Footsore and Unsure!

Hello Oily

What guarantee is there that if I have a pedicure my ped will get better?

Sheila Kneeler, Daventry

Oily Replies,

Sorry Sheila but peds are incurable. I had 5 of them growing all at once in my bedroom. Tried to remove them using a wire brush and some extra truculent oil – which funnily enough I always have plenty to hand. Or foot.I once found one particularly lairy ped – think Ray Winston with a yeast infection…. lying on the outer edge of my festering mind. Caught it and par boiled it with an extra dollop of existentialism. With a nice bottle of Chianti, Mmmmm very tasty.

Oh dear, reading back on this answer to your problem I feel I may have been baking by my pool in the sun waaaaay too long. But I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, just drink heavily. Peds dislike alcohol, it makes them exfoliate.

Regards Oily

Facing The Sack!

Hello Oily

I look after myself, don’t smoke, drink or abuse substances. I run, workout and have a winning smile due to recent dental surgery. My mum thinks I am a bit of a catch. My only problem is a sagging scrotum. It knocks around my knees and when I run they swing to such an extent that people liken me to a Pampas Gaucho swinging his Bolo around. Do you think Botox on my Bollox will help?

Swinging Les, Bristol

Oily Replies,

Les your problem is what exactly? As I often say to complete strangers that I accost in coffee shops here in the Sunshine State……you have to work with what Beelzebub gave you.

I too have big lumpen shapeless bollox. But am proud of them and like to air them at every opportunity.

Unfortunately the judge didn’t quite share my viewpoint and has given me 90 days incarceration. Mind you having a fun time here, never been more popular, especially with my roomie Leatherface Lance. Not a moments rest I tell ya and so much new material for my movies!

Best Wishes

Oily

Trees Company!

Please Help Oily

I have recently discovered that I am largely made of wood (Ash and Elm since you ask). Have you any tips for a skin care regime? I have tried Nivea and the stuff that bird from Friends used to advertise (‘cos I am worth it!) But they just down soak in very well. Any ideas?

Linda Barker, Manningtree

Oily Replies

Linda,

In the Not-In-Front-Of-The-Children market that I cater for – a lot of the actors are, like yourself, made entirely of wood. For my male leads such as Gary Cuprinol, star of such western classics as ‘Git off Your Horse cos I wanna **** it’ and ‘Doc Holliday’s Horny Holster’ this is of course a blessing as it means they are at all times ‘primed’. However woodiness is not so desirable for my leading ladies. Therefore to lessen their stiffness,loosen them up a little, I get my pet poodle Chow Mein to pee into a bowl, mix it with some Blue Oyster Cult and I then Administer the resultant paste all over said actress. Yes readers, you delicate flowers , I apply it in every nook and cranny. It is a task I insist on doing myself as I am after all, a muse to these girls. The result: they lose their wood, transferring it to me! Happiness all round

Anyway Linda I hope this has helped. By the way I always got a real sense of arousal when you were on Changing Rooms. Still fit? Any chance of a pic for my collection? Want me to apply the paste personally? Come and see me in another 30 days or so. I should be out of the clink by then. Assuming Lance unties me. Wonder if he’ll let me keep this gimp outfit…

Best wishes

Oily

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