Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Porn’

Hello Oily,

I was wondering if you could let me know what you have for breakfast. I’m sure it is the secret to you maintaining your fantastic figure, oily sheen and youthful looks.

Wendy, Bolsover

Oily Replies;

Wendy!

Hornflakes.

Regards

Oily

Read Full Post »

Ello Hoily,

Can you help? I am doing a crossword and I am stuck on 6 across.

The clue is; “Things we chew our food with located in our mouths.” It has 5 letters and so far I have TE_TH – I am stumped. Any ideas? Is it Gums?

Thicko, Hull

Thicko,

The word I’m thinking of is tongue. It may not fit the crossword but I find my tongue can fit just about any nook or crevice. Once you discover this fact for yourself that crossword will be totally redundant. Enjoy.

Slurpy slurpy slurp slurp.

Oily

Read Full Post »

new oilyOily, 

Are you still auditioning for your new film Henry’s Hosepipe Heaven? In some bizarre twist of fate my penis has a built in sprinkler system and I would be ideal for the role of the hose.

Richard, Nuneaton

Oily Replies;

Due to the hot weather and inevitable hosepipe ban we had to hold off on that shoot. However you could end up answering many problems.

Have you full control over the sprinkler? Have you a remote control? Can you sprinkle in several directions simultaneously?

I need to know length and dimensions of said hosepipe. Perhaps send me a picture of your wife and her best friend Sophie that Friday night they got carried away on the girls night out.

Sorry you don’t have such a pic? Ok.

You want one?

Oily

Read Full Post »

new oily

Hello Oily

My pet parrot recently told me that my bum did look big in my new dress. So I had the bastard whacked by a local Mafia hit squad. Do you think my bum looks big in this dress?

Psycho Anne, Next Door

Oily Replies;

Well Anne,

That is an interesting photo. Was looking at it upside down for 3 minutes before I realised.

Love the way you block out the sun. And are those feathers sticking out below your derriere? There was no mafia hit squad was there…You just sat on it right?

I should report you to the Save the Parrot Foundation that I have just created in my head. However I shall be more constructive. We are currently shooting a series of adult erotic dramas for fans of the more curvaceous and voluptuous human form. ‘Ride the Ripple’ we call it. There is a place or two for you  if you are interested.

Wobble sister!

Oily

Read Full Post »

new oilyMr George,

I find you crass, sexist and misogynistic. You merely replicate the phallocentric male plutocracy that has kept women down for years and stopped us from shattering the glass ceiling. Your films are disgusting, crude and that scene with the lesbian nuns and the blow up Pope…….well I don’t need to tell you how disgusting and blasphemous that was. I had to watch “Sweaty Confessional Sex Slave III” several times just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken about this filth. All in all you should be ashamed and educated in the physiology of sexual organs and made to colour in Andrea Dworkin’s wonderful pop up and paint by numbers classic “Chop Off That Cock Sister!”

There, I said it. Up Yer Bum you big bag of bollocks

Tamara, Bucharest

Tamara I sincerely apologise but please do not be bitter, you were simply not suited for my white collar crime thriller ‘Glass Floors and No Knickers’.

In fact as I lie here having my penis freshly pixillated I surmise that it is your refusal to take it the wrong way that is at the root of your problems. Loosen up girl, the rest of the convent have no such hang ups!

Oily

Read Full Post »

new oily

Hello Oily

I recently had my dentures gold plated. The look really good and golden like.

Sadly, my life partner stole them and hawked them for a bargain bucket of fried chicken from  Colonel Dixie’s Southern Fried Chicken “Where You Won’t Sickin For Chickin!” on Dalston High Road.

I had to suck the chicken off the bone on account of me stolen gnashers. Now my man wants to sell my elbows for a kebab. I like kebabs but not that much!

What should I do?

Obolongo, Hackney

Oily Replies;

Obolongo;

Fried chicken is perfect for topping up a tan. Have a close look at my profile pic. Peer hard enough and you will probably be able to see a golden breadcrumb or two.

I regularly use 4 day old melted fried chicken skin to baste in. Gives me that leathery cracked look, which when I look in the mirror makes me smile proudly. If I was able to smile. Skins a bit tight ya know.

It also makes one very popular with the birds. The feathery variety that is.

This doesn’t help your problem but does give me a chance to boast about my oilyness. And that is what my column is all about. And what a column eh? eh? Phoowwwaaarrrr

Lubricatedly yours

Oily

Read Full Post »


Oily,

The drama teacher says my acting career will never amount to more than a hill o’ beans. Despite not knowing what that means, I’m assuming it ain’t positive as she always gets the class to laugh at me whilst I’m taking my turn on stage.

I have done all the classes and got top marks like, but my protruding tooth, flaming ginger hair and the mole sitting on the end of my nose are a hindrance. Any tips?

Bob, Holness-on-Sea

Oily Replies

Hi Bob,

A sad story, but there is inspiration out there. My fellow BAFTA award winning actor Ron Jeremy is no oil painting as you seen from his role in genteel Sunday night period drama, Go Down on Abbey.

With his pot belly, webbed toes and dubious taste in sandals, Ron is no Ryan Gosling, yet pneumatic, breathy, stiletto wearing, badly dubbed girls the world over have loved him dearly. Frequently. All at once.

So there is hope!

Oily

Read Full Post »

new oily

Oily,

I understand you are in the Prawn industry. Where do you stand on Scampi?

Adrian, Cromer

Oily Replies;

Ade,

I’m in the Corn Industry actually. You’ve no doubt seen my epic part factual/mostly made up docu-drama ‘ Emperor Toyote Coyote and the Ladyboy’.

Corny in the extreme, but then I’m a romantic at heart as testified in the last scene were said ladyboy falls deeply in love with the Emperor’s 10,000 strong army.  Simultaneously. Non stop.**

Beautiful. Poignant. Scarlett and Rhett eat your hearts out.

** Please note that no cucumbers or root vegetables were harmed in the making of this scene.

Oily

Read Full Post »

Oily,

I am afraid of the dark. As a vampire this causes some issues for me regarding work-life balance. Any ideas? Shit,I’ve lost my torch

Vlad, Bucharest

Oily Replies;

Vlad, I once shot a camp vamp romp in Voslovovitrichbitchstitchvitch. Early 90’s. Wonderful part of the world. The rolling mountains like a fair maidens heaving bosoms. Except with goats on them.

The women were very hairy and manly. May well have been a man now I think about it. The alleyway was dark, the local brew strong. As she tenderly growled she  picked me up and threw me over her shoulder assuring me that Igor was a girl’s name in that part of the world. And who was I to argue. Especially with two broken ribs

Happy Fangsgiving

Oily

Read Full Post »

The Saucerer’s Apprentice

Hello Oily;

I am part human, part cup and saucer. Can you see a career for me in the adult film business?

Slurpy Sid, Ballymena

Oily Replies;

Slurpy,

People with mirthsome sexual organs such as yours are much sought after in the esoteric market I cater for. Currently I need a collander, cheesegrater or something similar for a political espionage thriller horror britpop comedy of errors sci fi historical docu romcom I’m scripting. Something/one with at least two holes and a willingness to explore the more elastic side of their personality.

If you are self lubricating that is great but not essential as I’m balls deep in the damn stuff

Oh,  a high pain threshold would be useful too.

Utensilly Yours

Oily 

Enjoyed Oily’s latest advice? Read more here and here!

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »