Love For My Tortoise Has Taught Us Happiness – So Says Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill,

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off today.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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I Am Turning Into A Cat But Feline Fine – Help Me Oily George!

Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa and had the nose spore cleansing that uses Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However since then I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Nocturnal, urinating over furniture, munching on mice and not really giving a shit. I have also developed a taste for licking my bottom in front of the TV.

My man has put a bell around my neck.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused. My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

Have a saucer of milk to get you in the mood…..

Oily

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Pies As Pets!

Imagine you own a dog called Rover, Fido, Barney or something else. One day you are out walking your dog and throw a ball or stick or body part for the mutt to chase and return. Sadly you forget your arm strength and the object lands in the deep undergrowth. Dog runs into said undergrowth in a show of canine fidelity. Cur never returns.

You are heartbroken and confused. What happened to your dog? What happened to your ball, stick or body part? To which there is no answer. You are bereft. How can you replace such a loyal, steadfast, slobber chopped companion?

Simple! With a pie!

Could This Be The Family Pet Of The Future?

Gingerfightback conducted an opinion poll in a pie shop in east London to find out which pie would make the best pet. Not surprisingly Apple Pie came out top. But savoury pies took most of the top positions! We asked Professor Alfred T. Damp-Patch, Professor of Advanced Cobblers at the University of Salamanca for his views and he told us, “Really? How interesting. I’m allergic to short crust pastry. Where’s the bar?”

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A Porn King’s Beauty Tips – Oily George

Feline a bit Catty?

Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa. I had a lovely time and a right good pampering. I really enjoyed the sauna and steam rooms and also the special nose spore cleansing that used Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However, recently I have noticed that I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Sleeping a lot, urinating over furniture, scrabbling around after mice under the bed and running after imaginary foes. Oh, and I have developed a taste for licking my back passage in public.

My man has put a bell around my neck as well in case I get lost up the tree.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This whole problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused.  My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

 Oily

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