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Posts Tagged ‘People’

Someboday has asked to see the David Niven With A Wagon Wheel On His Head Image again – as always happy to oblige!

A Sad End To A Great Career

A Sad End To A Great Career

Somebody has asked to see the Leonardo Da Vinci wearing a yorkshire pudding on his head image again – as always happy to oblige!

The Da Vinci - A Batter Design

The Da Vinci – A Batter Design

Somebody has asked to see the Steve McQueen Great Escape image again – as always happy to oblige !

MCQUEEN

Chinstrap!

Last week somebody asked to see Picasso smoking his fishfingers……What a strange world we live in.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

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Dear Fanny,

I’m in a spot of bother with the local Constabulary.

As you know Fanny, the present food trend is to forage for one’s own herbs. After a night taking part in a little wild garlic gathering on Hampstead Heath, I found myself on the wrong end of a policeman’s truncheon. After a bit of a kerfuffle, he summoned the help of his uniformed friend, whose helmet I managed to grab with both  hands before giving it a rather tight squeeze.

This only enraged the young officer. He handcuffed me to a tree where his chum layed into me good and proper! I was released and returned to my car which was illegally parked. I’ve since received a rather large vehicle recovery bill from the local force.

Do you have a nice recipe using wild garlic?

Benny
Fanny Replies;
Ah the joys of foraging! Believed to be invented in 1983, foraging has once again become a must for all celebrity chefs.

From  Hesgota Bloomincheek to the little fat Ginger Cooking God that is Anthony Whata Thieving Tosspot. They’re all at it! JUST BUY SOME F@CKING HERBS YOU TIGHT BASTARDS!

Anyway, your recipe Benny.

Nettle & Wild Garlic Soup.

Ingredients:

Large bunch of nettles.

Ditto wild garlic.

1 sliced leek

1 finely chopped onion

1 bottle of chardonnay.

1/2 litre of vegetable stock.

Large slug of brandy.

Cream

1 large spliff

Chill.

Make the soup…..in a pot….with all the soup stuff….

 ….eat the soup

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Somebody has asked to see the Leonardo Da Vinci wearing a yorkshire pudding on his head image again – as always happy to oblige!

The Da Vinci - A Batter Design

The Da Vinci – A Batter Design

Somebody has asked to see the Steve McQueen Great Escape image again – as always happy to oblige !

MCQUEEN

Chinstrap!

Last week somebody asked to see Picasso smoking his fishfingers……What a strange world we live in.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

Read Full Post »

Hello Oily,

Foraging in the attic the other day I came across a false leg once owned by my Aunt Claire. Often wonder where she is. Last I heard she was opening a chain of shops selling cheap jewellery. Now bankrupt I’d imagine. The way of the High Street it seems.

To get back to my point. The leg got me thinking. I’m kinda lonely.What if I was to go onto Ebay and buy some more lady parts? I could build my own girlfriend. We could talk, hug, maybe even make love puddles together. Good idea or am I a freak?

Hans Lecter

Straightjacket City

Oily Replies;

A wonderful idea!

A variant of this was done by a dear friend and fiend of mine Norman Bates some 50 years ago in the US. It worked for him for sure. And he had a very successful motel business which would probably still be going strong – and smelling even stronger – if the corporate chains hadn’t taken over.

Your question raises a very serious issue about today’s society. In an extensive survey that I made up this morning in the shower it was PROVEN BEYOND DOUBT that in just ONE street in East London MORE people live ALONE than in the WHOLE of the street across way.

To me this shows irrefutably that there needs to be more kink in everyone’s lives. It will ease the loneliness.

To get you started I have a special offer. If you buy 30 of my DVD’s within the next 14 days I will throw in a litre of my oil PLUS a battery operated arm. Vital when your own hand locks. Just let me know if you are a righty or lefty and we can get it off and thus get you off, as soon as possible.

Say No to Mr Lonely!

Oily- The Caregiver.

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Hello

As you know we love a train story on Gfb. Well, here is a little ditty from the Queensland Rail authority urging safety on the tracks.

And a shorty on train etiquette!

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Dear Fanny,

My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.

I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.

I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?

 Keith from Didcot.

Darling Keith,

I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.

After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favourite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!

I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.

Fannois

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Here’s to a peaceful New Year!

ghandi

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